Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways -- so we like to round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Our guest curator this week is Kate Hall, co-editor (with Science of Parenthood's Norine Dworkin-McDaniel and Jessica Ziegler) of The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets available today on Amazon. Kate also blogs at Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine? and right here on HuffPost Parents. Read her selections below, and follow @HuffPostParents, @KateWhineHall and @BigBookofTweets on Twitter for more!
95% of my daily yelling does nothing to keep us from leaving for school at exactly the same time.
— ShesARealGenius (@ShesARealGenius) April 15, 2015
Parenthood is a journey except it's just traveling from room to room putting away the same toys all day long.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) April 13, 2015
if your child laughs while you're trying to yell at them, I'm probably nearby mouthing everything you're saying but like way funnier
— Mickey Mt. Vernon (@WhatevaConc) April 14, 2015
I love being a stay at home mom...if I get to go back to work the next day.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) April 15, 2015
I'm coaching my son's soccer team because it's important that he knows I'll swear at other kids, too.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) April 13, 2015
My mother always had an endless supply of shoe boxes for book report projects. Clearly I need to buy more shoes to avoid parental failure.
— qwertygirl (@qwertygirl) April 12, 2015
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they're saying the names of Ikea furniture.
— Lemming Däd (@LemmingDad) April 14, 2015
Me: I feel sorry for your future husband.
16: I feel sorry for the husband you have right NOW!
— Lorie (@LorieGZ) April 12, 2015
Raising my kids to be functional adults in society seems like such a lofty goal since I can't even get them to flush the toilet.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) April 16, 2015
A cute thing I tell my kids while my wife is gone is that her Neti Pot is perfect for their tea parties.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 15, 2015
I usually think my son is a picky eater but then I see him try exotic things like play doh or dirt.
— Lauren (@WorkingMom86) April 16, 2015
Strengths: Rapid weight gain, lack of composure
Weaknesses: Frequent dozing, unproductivity, parenting
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) April 15, 2015
Never thought fatherhood would place me on the top of a ladder getting a diaper that has gotten caught in the ceiling fan.
Yet here I am...
— Dustin Allen Dirks (@Epicdaddy) April 16, 2015
A week away from home is so hard. I really missed my kids - especially little Netflix who is growing so fast I can't keep up.
— Just Linda (@LindaInDisguise) April 13, 2015
"Daddy, I wanna be like you when I grow up"
"You better hope your mother doesn't hear you say that"
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) April 13, 2015
4-year-old: I named my right sock. His name is Socky.
Me: What did you name your left sock?
4-year-old: Nothing. That would be stupid.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 15, 2015
I've always wanted my kids to see me at my best.
If they would just stop screaming for FIVE DAMN MINUTES all of our dreams could come true.
— Full Metal Mommy (@FullMetalMommy) April 15, 2015
They're called "Helicopter Parents" because you want to throw them out of a helicopter.
— Svenn Amish (@amishschool) April 13, 2015
Me: Let me help. *removes plastic from cheese*
Toddler: *cries, hates cheese forever*
Toddler: I wanted it! *cries*
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) April 15, 2015
You think you're just being funny saying silly words around the house until your daughter asks her teacher if she can use the turrlet.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 15, 2015
Fun prank: put two scoops of icecream, a carrot and a couple of twiglets in a bowl and then pretend you're eating Olaf in front of your 4yo.
— Notorious P.O.B. (@TheMongoose69) April 11, 2015
Not to brag but my husband took the kids out all day and I actually had time to take a shower. I mean, I didn't...but I totally could have.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 14, 2015
In Hell moms still have to cook dinner every night.
— Lori (@loribuckmajor) April 16, 2015
"Could you help me do this project that's due tomorrow? And I need art supplies."
Kids, at 10pm
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 13, 2015
"Mama, sing me a song"
I can't think of any more- goodnight!
Tommy used to work on the docks..
Unions been on strike- he's ..
— RachRiot (@RachRiot) April 14, 2015