Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
My TEDTalk this morning was called Get Your Ass Out Of Bed And Get Ready For School Right Now.
— Mat Johnson (@mat_johnson) April 29, 2015
Looking forward to volunteering at my son's school today.
BAHAHAHAHAHAhakjhsakjdhskahd *wipes tear
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) May 1, 2015
I would say that one average I spend 20 minutes a day wandering around my house looking for where I set down my coffee mug.
— GoonSquadSarah (@GoonSquadSarah) April 29, 2015
6yo: "Grownups sip coffee and hate kid things ."
— Kathy Cooperman (@Kathy_Cooperman) April 27, 2015
"Wait, when is Mother's Day?"
-Me, borderline panicked, every Saturday night in April.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 27, 2015
4yo: We should name the new baby Woody Woodpecker. Me: Well, um, that's very interes- 4yo: Then we could call him Pecker for short. Me:...
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) April 28, 2015
Pretty sure if the kids would leave me alone I could sleep for a week.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) April 27, 2015
Parenting has taught me to never accidentally phrase a command in the form of a question.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) April 29, 2015
My 8yo just asked me if I'm an adult and I honestly don't know how to answer her.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) April 27, 2015
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) April 28, 2015
Me: Should we bake cookies or brownies? 4yo: Why can't we do both? Me: ... 4yo: ... Me: I am so proud of you right now.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) April 29, 2015
Remember with your first child, when you cared if his hair was combed and he had on both shoes? Ha! Ha! That was a huge waste of time.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) April 29, 2015
2-year-old: I don’t want jeans. I want pants.
Me: Jeans are pants.
2-year-old: NO THEY’RE NOT!
I have so much to learn about the world.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 28, 2015
Aw, new milestone: The first time you hear your kids say, "guess what a female dog is called..."
— Liz Gumbinner (@Mom101) April 28, 2015
When I take my kids to a restaurant, I order the same thing for them every time - more napkins.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) April 30, 2015
If there's one thing I've learned about kids, it's that they'll eat some pretty crappy pizza.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 30, 2015
It gets easier. Like, instead of crying, eventually kids can just talk and tell you "This dinner is gross" or "I don't like you anymore."
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 27, 2015
If parenthood was one of those choose your own adventure books, every ending would likely result in a mess, laundry or losing lots of money.
— Susan McLean (@NoDomesticDiva) April 29, 2015
My kid ate an entire cake last night while I was sleeping so I guess I can cancel that DNA test.
— Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) April 28, 2015
Me: I'm so tired I'm going to sleep like a baby tonight. 3yo: Daddy be careful mommy is going to cry & pee her pants tonight. Me:Oh brother.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) April 28, 2015