Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Will you please stop wagging your sausage in your sister's face and just eat it?!
-things I say at breakfast.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) May 20, 2015
90% of a toddler's teeth-brushing process involves falling off a stool.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) May 22, 2015
A day in the life of a parent: "Get in the car." (Repeat 4,000 times)
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) May 20, 2015
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 21, 2015
Sometimes I tell my son "No!" and when he asks me why, I realize I don't have a good reason. Just reflex, I guess.
But the no still stands!
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 22, 2015
4yo says when he grows up he wants to write for the New York Times.
"What will you write about?"
"Ho poo poo comes out of your butt."
— Farhad Manjoo (@fmanjoo) May 19, 2015
Never turn your back on your: •enemies •toddlers •toddlers ever •toddler, seriously •children of toddler age •umm…. Toddlers.
— Court (@Discourt) May 19, 2015
My kids have approximately 400,000 toys, so it makes perfect sense that they're fighting over a dust-buster box.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 19, 2015
From the other room: -Dad? Dad? Dad? Dad? Dad? Dad! Dad! Dad! DAD?! DAD?! DADDY?!!! DADDDDDDDD??? HEYYY DADDD????!!! -What? -Hi! ::scene::
— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) May 20, 2015
WARNING: If your kid asks you to watch a "hilarious" clip on Youtube, don't do it. It will suck.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) May 18, 2015
Me: What do we do if a lifeguard blows their whistle? 5yo: You get low when the whistle blows!*dances* Me:Time to change my Pandora Playlist
— Susan McLean (@NoDomesticDiva) May 19, 2015
My 3-year-old thought postage stamps were stickers and put $30 worth on her shirt.
I didn't even yell.
I just mailed her out.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 21, 2015
"Maybe some people find you funny, Mom, but I'm not into old-lady humor." --Recently-disowned son
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) May 19, 2015
It's all fun and games until your 5yo loses the game. Then, it's no fun and you cheated.
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) May 19, 2015
Ill clean my house when my kids move out in 10 years.
— Carbosly (@Carbosly) May 22, 2015
I've picked out names for all 7 of my future grandchildren so I already know I'll be a great mother-in-law.
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) May 15, 2015
I'm not saying What to Expect When You're Expecting isn't a great book. I'm just saying it could benefit from a chapter on cocktail recipes.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) May 20, 2015
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I'm gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I'd wait until next week.
— Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) May 20, 2015
Putting four kids to bed feels pretty similar to losing in Tetris.
— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) May 22, 2015
Does anyone have 15 hours of sleep I can borrow?
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) May 22, 2015