The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant -- but succinct -- wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week's great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
I miss drinking soda more than I miss any of my exes.
— Gaby Dunn (@gabydunn) May 26, 2015
I find a dick pic about as erotic as a photograph of a sump pump.
— Sara Benincasa (@SaraJBenincasa) May 26, 2015
i started a google doc to make a list of animals that do have souls and animals that dont
— Tracy LaFway Clayton (@brokeymcpoverty) May 26, 2015
I love hockey bc one second it's elegant ice dancing and the next it's dudes beating the shit out of each other
— Jessica Roy (@JessicaKRoy) May 27, 2015
There is a couple in KMart fervently arguing over which discount microwave to buy, just like Andy Warhol dreamed. NEW YORK IS SO ALIVE!!!!!!
— Jazmine Hughes (@jazzedloon) May 27, 2015
I wanna be cool enough to wear my headphones around my neck while not using them.
— erin mallory long (@erinmallorylong) May 27, 2015
Apple Watch reminded me it was time to stand. So, I stood up, got Cool Ranch Doritos from kitchen, and crawled back in bed.
— Imperator Brianna Wu (@Spacekatgal) May 27, 2015
Sorry I can't make it to your wedding, but it's just not an Instagrammable enough location.
— Gennefer Gross (@Gennefer) May 27, 2015
The correct spelling is w-e-n-s-d-a-y. Next question.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) May 29, 2015
My siblings and I all suffer from a condition called "we just can't" referring to mostly every social interaction or any other interaction
— Amy Schumer (@amyschumer) May 29, 2015
Oh God. I just realized I'm stuck with me my whole life.
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) May 26, 2015
Why are you smiling at me, are you lying
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) May 22, 2015
Boxing would be so great if it was your worst enemy against the world heavyweight boxing champion. I'm looking at you, Kevin from 2nd grade.
— bourgeois beth (@bourgeoisalien) May 29, 2015
I wonder what my 2,570 emails are about.
— Scorpicpanda (@scorpicpanda) May 28, 2015
Calculating how many pockets full of playground wood chips I'll need to carry home in order to mulch all my flower beds.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) May 29, 2015
My groans after the first sip of coffee are a little sexual in nature.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 29, 2015
Morning affirmation: Shia Labeouf was actually really good on Even Stevens.
— Zeba Blay (@zblay) May 28, 2015
Why sleep when you can Google things like "death rattle" and "am I dying?"
— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) May 28, 2015
uhhhh where can i file an appeal? pic.twitter.com/WW7jb2SdAd
— Alexandria Symonds (@a_symonds) May 28, 2015
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