Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
When your kids go to brush their teeth and they're far too quiet for a suspiciously long time but you don't care because coffee.
— Will Goldstein (@willgoldstein) June 3, 2015
Vacuumed the minivan and sucked up some Pixy Stix powder, some Cheetos crumbs, and possibly one of my kids.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) June 4, 2015
Most of my time as a parent has been spent answering questions with "maybe tomorrow."
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 1, 2015
There's no way I'm going to be able to help my kids answer life's big questions. I couldn't even tell them why Ws aren't called double Vs.
— Dave Lesser (@AmateurIdiot) June 4, 2015
Apparently, when my toddler asks me to play with him, what he really means is, sit next to me, watch me play and don't touch my damn toys
— April McCormick (@1sttimemomndad) June 5, 2015
I scream. You scream. We all scream because we're parents and this shit is hard.
— Aaron Gouveia (@DaddyFiles) June 1, 2015
Toddler shoes don't come in pairs. They're only found one-at-a-time in remote areas of the world.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) June 3, 2015
It's called summer "break" because that is what your kids will do to everything in your house until school starts back.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 1, 2015
Thanks Disney, I told my 4yo we were having frozen pizza for lunch and now he's tripping because Elsa isn't on it.
— Wonder Kitten (@Tw1tter_K1tten) June 3, 2015
Most of parenting is pretending you know WTF your kid just drew for you.
— the_mom_dot_com (@minivanthug) May 31, 2015
One on my 5yos made it through martial arts with his belt still tied, so I'm ready to level up to folding fitted sheets now.
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) June 2, 2015
People who have cooler jobs than me according to my 3-year-old:
1) garbage man
3) guy who lives in the ATM and hands out money
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 3, 2015
6yo: Mom there's nothing to eat. Me: Yes there is! Why do I bother? I should just buy ketchup & goldfish & call it a day. 6yo: Yum Me:
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) June 2, 2015
I'm not sure hearing "get that booty over here!" is EVER sexy, but it's DEFINITELY not sexy when your 4yo says it.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) June 3, 2015
The thing about parenting is always smelling like sunscreen and Cheerios.
— alimartell (@alimartell) June 3, 2015
I don't care how cool you think you are, my kid found out yesterday that I can burp on command so good luck trying to compete with that!
— Darin Loves Bacon (@darinlovesbacon) June 3, 2015
"They're so much fun at that age." -parents perpetually pretending it used to be easier.
— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) June 2, 2015
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don't come home. We need a break.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) June 2, 2015
3: *throws plate in sink Me: but you barely ate! 3: yeah, I'm full...what are you eating? Me: the same thing you had 3: can I have a bite?
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 2, 2015
I just mixed whites and colors in the laundry so don't tell me parents can't have fun on Saturday night.
— Farah Miller (@farahlearned) May 31, 2015
Wife: I got all three kids in bed by 8:30! Bam! Me: that is the baddest ass thing you have ever done.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) June 2, 2015
I'm teaching my daughter that the sun goes down each night because it's mad at her. Probably gonna write a book on parenting at some point.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 5, 2015