With age, they say, comes wisdom. But fashion wisdom may remain elusive, no matter how old I am. Here are 10 things though that I know you won't catch me wearing anymore:
1. High heels.
High heels are feet killers. They don't just kill; they torture, cripple and maim. They cause not just immediate pain while in use, they cause permanent and irreversible damage to your feet. If I had one do-over in life, it would be to have tossed out all my high heels years before they wrecked my tootsies.
2. Thong underwear.
They are not comfortable. Period. You may think you look sexy in them but unless you are a pole dancer, why would anyone wear them to work? They ride up your you-know-what and belong buried in the drawer with your other sex toys. Thong underwear, aside from being uncomfortable, can cause infections and irritations.
But I was done at uncomfortable.
3. Hair long and straight, parted down the center.
You know, 1960s' hair. The hair that you saw on women at Woodstock. Many older women hung on to that look for well beyond its shelf life. When it comes to hair, change is good. If you make a mistake, you don't need a divorce lawyer; it grows out. These days I'm sporting bangs -- or fringe, as my hairdresser Elva Nitta likes to call it. Elva says that fringe is an instant facelift that shaves 10 years off your appearance.
4. One-piece anythings.
You know those seriously cute jumpsuits that are now trending? Just so not happening for me. Go ahead and file this under TMI but an older woman's urge to pee kicks into high gear as soon as we enter the stall. The idea that we can undress our whole bodies while squeezing our knees together as our urethral clock keeps ticking just isn't realistic. Says me. And those one-piece rompers? Not since second grade have they looked good on anyone.
5. Fake nails.
The problem with fake nails is they look fake instead of looking like nails. It's also expensive and time-consuming to maintain them. And does anybody really even still care about their fingernails, beyond keeping them clean?
6. Girdles and their first cousin, Spanx.
When you age, you will experience an expansion in your middle. You become more apple shaped once hormones disappear from your body. Sucking in your second and third stomachs will no longer work. But girdles and Spanx, they will punish you for making them work so hard. Plus you will walk around all day with those extra stomachs wanting to be set free.
7. Low-rise jeans.
Low-rise jeans no longer have a place in my life. If I could, I would time travel and see if Twiggy circa 1966 wanted them. I like my jeans skinny and high-waisted. I leave the visible butt crack look to my plumber.
8. Turtleneck sweaters.
Since my 53rd birthday, even just looking at a turtleneck makes me sweat. I barely wear long sleeves in the winter here in Southern California. A friend recently quipped that you know you're old when you are cold all the time -- which comes right after being hot all the time.
9. Black eyeliner cat's eyes.
Love the look -- but on somebody else. One problem older women have is that we can't apply eyeliner without our glasses on. And if our glasses are on, we can't apply eyeliner because the glasses get in the way. That's aging's Catch-22.
Rouge is something my grandmother wore. I sometimes apply blush. And I often wonder what the difference is.