06/24/2015 08:52 am ET

16 Fascinating Things We Learned About Christian Grey From 'Grey'

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Like Jean Rhys, author of the classic Jane Eyre spinoff Wide Sargasso Sea, E.L. James has tasked herself with the job of writing an entire novel explaining the vantage point of a misunderstood character: Christian Grey, the wealthy, dominant protagonist of her own Fifty Shades franchise. Although the super-crazy-bestseller had two sequels that more or less cover his motivations, readers apparently wanted more. Grey: Fifty Shades of Grey as Told by Christian has been on shelves for less than a week, and it’s already sold over a million copies. Holy cow!

Alas, readers hoping to gain some insight into the mind of a closed-off, brooding male may be disappointed, unless said readers were hoping to learn more about the specific type of white wine he prefers to guzzle, and what music he listens to at the gym (Moby. The answer is Moby). The novel is more or less the same as the original book, which was narrated by Anastasia, except instead of whimsical talk about inner goddesses, there's nonstop musing about his penis, which apparently twitches (or more) every time anything at all happens during the entire book.

Aside from that, Christian’s inner monologue mostly consists of clichéd pep talk (“Showtime, Grey”). And we do learn a thing or two about his wardrobe choices. Behold, everything we learned about Christian from James’s latest romantic treasure:

  • He has a special pair of jeans for dominating. His DJs. His dom jeans.
  • He has a Bauhaus coffee table.
  • He’s involved in many important business ventures that are definitely real.
  • He has particular, refined tastes in music.
  • He already owned a first edition of Tess of the D’Urbervilles!!!
  • He’s a poet, and we didn’t know it.
  • He doesn’t REALLY understand Thomas Hardy.
    If there's one thing that's true about Tess of the D'Urbervilles, it's definitely that it's all about redemption.
  • And he REALLY doesn’t understand Jane Austen or the Brontës.
    Christian is actually a total Heathcliff, when you think about it.
  • He thinks Ana smells like apples.
  • ... And she tastes like wine, grapes and innocence.
  • He likes his white wine as cold as his lonely gray heart.
    Please, say it isn't so.
  • He has an unexpectedly deep connection with his brother, Elliot.
    Bros 4 life.
  • He likes champagne as pink as Anastasia’s skin after a firm spanking.
    Enough said.
  • He thinks Ana is lovely, but prefers it when she keeps her mouth shut.
    Even then.
  • He only hires blondes, and he only sexes brunettes.
    He has very particular tastes.
  • His thoughts are heavily, unconventionally punctuated.
    Oh my.