06/26/2015 02:03 pm ET | Updated Jun 26, 2015

The 5 Stages Of Grief For Gay Marriage Opponents


When the Supreme Court ruled that marriage for all, regardless of sexuality, is a constitutional right, many people were forced to say a teary goodbye to something very close to their hearts: being dicks about marriage equality. A wide range of emotional reactions may follow a sudden loss like this as one attempts to make sense of their grief. While the coping experience is unique to the individual, these are the most common stages:


An individual may perceive an imaginary, preferred reality to protect them from realizing the intensity of their loss. A grieving homophobe might witness two men publicly exchanging rings and say something like, "Oh, they must be reenacting the scene from The Lord of the Rings in which Gandalf bestows the ring and a great quest onto Frodo Baggins." One might even overhear a woman talking about her spouse, only to assume that when she referenced "my wife," she was quoting Borat.


This feeling arrives when the individual is feeling helpless and powerless. Expect to see adversaries of same-sex marriage participating on Facebook at an unusually high rate. They will toss around words like, "outrage," "evil," and "Pennsylvania should secede!" Online communities will be overrun with non sequitur comments like "GAY OBAMA IZ RUINING MY AMERICA" on a funny picture of a Corgi puppy wearing Yeezys.


It takes a lot of energy to protest inevitable and beautiful progress. Grab a sandwich.


This stage occurs when the full extent of the loss has been realized. For some, denying equal rights to others is all they have. Don't be surprised to see a despondent Mitch McConnell glued to his couch for days on end, surrounded by empty bottles of Skinnygirl Moscato, watching "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" on repeat.


In time, the healing process may lead to the individual coming to terms with their loss. For many Americans, however, this cycle will begin anew in 2016 if a woman is elected as president of the United States. Brace yourself for a Facebook timeline engulfed in “GAY HILLARY IZ RUINING MY AMERICA."

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