The allure of fireworks is pretty self-explanatory. Explosions. Cool colors. They go boom, and they go bang. We ooh and we aah, and sometimes we sing a national anthem that's basically an ode to fireworks.
But despite all that, we need to say something, and we need everyone to listen, especially all you professional athletes out there: Stop fucking with fireworks.
It's a simple lesson that would have served New York Giants defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul and Tampa Bay Buccaneers cornerback C.J. Wilson well. Both are coming to terms with horrifying accidents and subsequent amputations performed this week to treat hand injuries caused by firework accidents on the night of 4th of July.
On average, 200 Americans go to the emergency room every day between June 17 and July 17 because of firework-related injurites, according to the Consumer Products Safety Commision. Forty-six percent of those injuries are inflicted on hands and fingers, two important parts of the body for professional athletes.
Yes, NFL players -- especially ones whose careers depend on catching and throwing footballs -- need hands to play. Even the positions that don't get to touch the football much, like offensive and defensive line, need their hands to grab, yank and tackle.
Like, look at this photo. Is this what you want, football players?
Thankfully this guy, Green Bay Packers linebacker Clay Matthews, didn't sustain that hand injury playing with fireworks. It was just a routine broken bone. But let it serve as a reminder that you, dear professional athlete, could have a CLUB FOR A HAND if you mess around with fireworks.
“Yes, [taking the cast off] will leave my fingers free, which means more sacks and more tackles,” Matthews said when the club was finally removed. See?
On Wednesday, Wilson's agent confirmed the hand injury to ESPN. While he declined to elaborate on the specifics of the injury, the Tampa Bay Times reported that Wilson, who appeared in two games last season, lost two fingers on one hand in a 4th of July fireworks accident. Down two fingers, Wilson's playing career is in serious jeopardy, according to the NFL Network.
Pierre-Paul's future career prospects are rosier -- he's an All-Pro defensive end and he's got one more finger than Wilson. But his right index finger was amputated, as ESPN reported, and although he's expected to play in 2015, the accident has already proven to be costly.
The Giants withdrew their $60 million long-term contract offer to Pierre-Paul in the wake of the incident, citing concerns about his health and overall judgement. Pierre-Paul is still due to make $14.5 million this upcoming season, so all things considered, he'll be okay. Plus: Robot fingers are coming. If anything, Pierre-Paul can use his guaranteed millions to technically become a cyborg.
Wilson, on the other hand, might be screwed. An undrafted former member of the Bucs' practice squad, he was expected to compete for a backup cornerback position in training camp. His $585,000 base salary for 2015 is non-guaranteed, so he can be cut at any time at no cost to the team. Fireworks are not worth losing a half-million dollar paycheck and an NFL career.
Athletes, take care of your damn hands. You need those things. They're what separate modern man from the fish we evolved from. And your hands, in particular, with all of their strength and dexterity, are what separates you from the plebs who don't have a career in professional athletics.
Love fireworks too much to eradicate them from your life completely? Here'a novel idea: HAVE SOMEONE ELSE LIGHT THE FIREWORKS. You have entourages willing to do anything to protect your health (and therefore your playing career and paycheck). Millions of people around the world enjoy the simple pleasures of fireworks without being the sucker who actually puts their fingers near a lit fuse.
Next 4th of July, when you're facing a literal truckload of fireworks, just remember: Stop the madness. Put the fireworks down.