Paleontologists have made a groundbreaking discovery that provides definitive evidence as to what caused the mass extinction of dinosaurs some 66 million years ago. Postulated theories of extraterrestrial impact, volcanism and marine regression are being jettisoned for a much different explanation: the Crunchwrap Supreme.
Recently uncovered fossils from the late Mesozoic Era indicate that the final generations of dinosaurs maintained a tortilla-heavy diet, rarely left home, and possessed no dignity or self-control. The remains of these once-obese reptilians were excavated from soil rich in marijuana paraphernalia.
The only logical conclusion? Taco Bell delivery.
Paleontologists say that coprolites, or fossilized feces, suggest that carnivorous dinosaurs preyed primarily on Grilled Steak Taquitos, while omnivorous dinosaurs shamefully feasted alone on Cinnamon Twists. These unwholesome meals became more widely accessible during the Cretaceous period when Taco Bell implemented the delivery services of a tech company called Pterodactyl.
With this new evidence, the Cretaceous-Paleogene extinction event has been officially renamed FourthMeal. There were multiple near-extinction events that preceded FourthMeal, including the introduction of Pizza Hut Hot Dog Bites in the Jurassic period, as well as the devastating Triassic Baconator plague.
This week Taco Bell announced plans to test delivery service, this time for humans. Paleontologists fear that this could result in another species wipeout. We should, however, consider that modern-day Taco Bells operate much differently than their prehistoric counterparts. For instance, prehistoric Taco Bells used meat from animals that no longer exist; i.e. Eozostrodon, Deltatheridium, and Jeholodens. Today Taco Bell serves food prepared with more evolved mammals, like horses.
Bottom line: Before you download the app, remember that Taco Bell's delivery service caused the dinosaurs to Live No Más.
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