Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Once my kids wake up, my only goal for the rest of the day is getting them back to bed.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) August 11, 2015
Alright, who switched out my 5yo's Star Wars gummy vitamins for ones that are exactly the same but apparently "TOO SPICY"?!?
— Brent Almond (@DesignerDaddy) August 11, 2015
Tried to drop my 3rd grader off for 1st day of school. Turns out school starts next Tues. So I'm pretty much killing parenting as per usual.
— inappropriate mom (@nicfit75) August 13, 2015
If my kids brush their teeth before noon, I feel accomplished.
— OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) August 11, 2015
My 5yo's signature move is to tell me his squirt gun isn't working to lure me in close enough to shoot me in the face.
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) August 10, 2015
My kids were laughing & having a great time & then I yelled out "SCHOOL STARTS TOMORROW!" just to keep it real.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 11, 2015
I bet when I'm driving a minivan, folks say, "There's a dad" but when I've got my window down & elbow out, they say, "THERE'S A COOL DAD!"
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) August 14, 2015
I always feel a slight sense of vindication when one of my children feels the pain of stepping on a Lego. Hurts, don't it?!
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) August 13, 2015
My toddler has an imaginary friend. His name is, "I Didn't Do It."
— April McCormick (@LoveLifeDIY) August 13, 2015
If I had a penny for everything my kids gave me while saying "hold this for me" maybe I'd be able to afford a mega warehouse to store it in?
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) August 10, 2015
Me: *pretends to call on a play phone* Ring ring. 5-year-old: Hello. Me: It's Dad. 5-year-old: Why didn't you just text me?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 13, 2015
I consider myself to be an optimist, like when I tell my kid to sit down for five minutes I really think they're going to do it.
— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) August 11, 2015
3yo: I want to help! Me: You can help by being quiet. 3yo: Me: 3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) August 10, 2015
Can one die from bickering children because I think I have it.
— Kristen Chase (@thatkristen) August 13, 2015
My kids have only been back in school for two weeks but I'm pretty sure they've already eaten 4 months' worth of after-school snacks.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) August 13, 2015
4 year old opened a blue ice pop all by herself and now it looks like there was a smurf massacre on our kitchen counter.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 11, 2015
Glitter crafts, Princess dress-up, snacks, coloring and naps.... Can I take my niece's pre-school slot if she doesn't want it?
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) August 10, 2015
4yo really wants a trombone for his birthday. Bit expensive so thinking I might tell the neighbours and invite their counter offers not to.
— Mark, Sonny, & Luca (@sonnyandluca) August 11, 2015
I was chosen room mom for 5's kindergarten class. That's it. That's the joke.
— JuneBug (@jenyb4) August 12, 2015
What I say: "Taking a relaxing bath now" What 7 hears: "Feel free to barge in four times, but mostly when you need to have diarrhea"
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) August 13, 2015
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