It's Groundhog Day, and today Punxsutawney Phil came out of his hole and saw no shadow. That means an early spring. But I feel like after so many years of this, Phil would get pretty used to his shadow. So what is the real reason he didn't run back into his hole?
Because he's all swole now. He ain't afraid of no shadow.
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Because felt a duty to vote against Trump yesterday.
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Because he's attending the Oscars, so the event won't look quite so pasty.
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Because climate change destroyed his home. But... GOD, THIS WEATHER IS GORGEOUS, HUH?
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Because he's acting as Peyton Manning's service groundhog in the Super Bowl.
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Because he's returning to the titular role in this live reading of "Groundhog Day."
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Because starting today, he refuses to be limited to your primitive concepts of "ground." You can call him... skyhog.
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Because his fans need this.
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