Only I, The RNC Teleprompter Operator, Can Cheer Up Chris Christie

My job is easy. They give me some words, I type them into a machine, and they come out displayed in large font for a speaker to read at his or her preferred talking speed.

Every now and then, however, I’ll go rogue.

I only do it when it’s absolutely necessary — when I know someone needs me. Tuesday night, my mission is to bring some light to the life of a man who otherwise might never smile again: Governor Chris Christie.

After selling out and backing Trump for president, Christie was betrayed when Indiana Governor Mike Pence was chosen as Trump’s running mate. Poor Chris is now about to deliver a speech at the Republican National Convention with the desperate hope that Trump might pick him for a cabinet position. In the words of Donald Trump, “Sad!”

I’m not going to let Chris do this to himself! He is a respectable, dignified leader who just needs a little motivation. So I’m replacing the copy of his speech with inspirational messages that will hopefully deliver an ounce of happiness to the pathetic life of this sad, sad man.