How Do You Sleep At Night While Cutting Meals On Wheels? A White House Guide

One would think that if you’re a government official cutting funding to programs like “Meals on Wheels” or school lunch programs ― because they aren’t yielding “results” ― that it might be tough to sleep at night.

Not for White House Budget Director Mick Mulvaney, who believes that “compassion” is not about feeding the hungry, but instead not burdening taxpayers with feeding the hungry.

So, knowing that so many might soon go without desperately needed social services, how does he sleep at night? Here are some tips we think Mulvaney might follow.

Avoid caffeine, alcohol, and eating heavy meals before bedtime.

If you’re going to eat a heavy meal standing in front of a homeless shelter, try to do it earlier in the day.

Stick to a sleep schedule.

Just like Dracula.

Create a relaxing bedtime ritual.

About an hour before bed, try winding down with a soothing activity, like tearing up children’s letters to Santa, or sorting through the walkers you’ve stolen from the elderly.

Avoid naps.

Napping can often keep you awake later in the evening. In fact, eliminate naps for all schoolchildren and senior citizens. Hopefully, this will yield better results from them, too.

Exercise daily.

The more strenuous the exercise, the better, but any exercise is better than nothing. So, technically, laughing daily at those hungry schoolchildren counts! I thought you were looking quite svelte lately!

Make your room conducive to sleep.

Fill your bedroom with things that bring you a sense of calm, like a photo of Big Bird wandering the streets cold and hungry, or maybe the sound of the rain as it hits the cardboard box someone is taking shelter in.

Choose the correct mattress and pillows.

Experiment with different fill combinations. Try a mattress filled with children’s teeth one night and maybe a pillow filled with octogenarian hair the next night. Mix it up! The important thing is that you’re comfortable.