Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Parenting: where being able to hear a pin drop is either blissful or terrifying.
— The Mehsozoic Era (@TheAlexNevil) May 24, 2017
Imagine having kids and also being able to concentrate on something hahahaha
— SpacedMom (@copymama) May 22, 2017
My kids throw a lot of shade for tiny people completely dependent on me for survival.
— Ponies and Martinis (@PonyMartini) May 24, 2017
I feel like I don't get enough credit for all the times I only screamed at my kids in my head.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) May 22, 2017
I am "my morning was spent investigating WHO tossed underwear into the toilet" years into parenting
— dadmissions (@Dadmissions) May 22, 2017
[Me after 10 minutes at the playground]
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) May 20, 2017
Omg, we've been here for like a million years.
Just heard 7yo yell out from the other room: "You'll never get away with this!"
— Winey Mama (@coffeeAMwinePM) May 21, 2017
I'm a little scared but excited to see how this plays out.
I bet the person who invented the MUTE button on your phone was a parent who worked from home.
— Ilana Wiles (@mommyshorts) May 23, 2017
I'm just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I've had enough of their shit for one day
— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) May 24, 2017
My signature move is buying something "for the kids" and then eating the whole thing before they get home
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 24, 2017
When I finally teach my youngest to blow his nose & cover his mouth when he sneezes, I will consider the hardest parts of parenting over.
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) May 24, 2017
If you miss your children just find a quiet place to sit by yourself and relax.
— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) May 25, 2017
They will find you...
Parents who send your children to school with brushed hair in May, I salute you
— Farah Miller (@farahlearned) May 23, 2017
Sometimes you eat a gourmet meal & sometimes you stand in your kitchen & eat your kid's leftover nuggets and tots. It's called parenthood.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) May 21, 2017
My son just asked for a Starbucks Crapuccino & I don't plan to ever correct him.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) May 20, 2017
My kid walking in the house after the last day of school. pic.twitter.com/rjQohgZSDX
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) May 25, 2017
Come to my house when I'm getting my kids ready to go somewhere and literally watch me age.
— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) May 21, 2017
I don't always go shopping with all of my kids, but when I do, I wish I had left them at home.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 22, 2017
Yesterday was the last day of school and my kids are already done with all of the activities planned for them to do at home this summer.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 26, 2017
My kids’ favorite summer activity is getting a cup of water, taking 1 sip before dumping it out, and leaving it in the sink for me to wash.
— Unremarkable Files (@ThatEvansLady) May 24, 2017
An alternate reality where kids actually listen the first time and dinner just makes itself.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) May 21, 2017
People that send your kids off to summer camps, what's it like to be able to finish a thought without being interrupted?
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) May 24, 2017
I wish I loved anything as much as my kids love making me mad.
— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) May 22, 2017
My son currently describes himself as "a fidget spinner pro" and "a kid who does good armpit farts" so this should be a fun summer.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 24, 2017
Legit couldn't find my kid for 10 minutes during a game of hide and seek. Yes I was trying. Her room was just that messy.
— Jennifer Borget (@JenniferBorget) May 25, 2017
Me: What happened, you spilled your juice?
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 21, 2017
2yo: Yeah.
Me: It's ok, was it an accident?
2yo: No.
Me: Aw, ok let's clean it- wait. what?
The same kid who claimed she needs a fidget spinner b/c she "can't focus" just spent 8 minutes picking every sesame seed off her bagel.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) May 21, 2017