When we are small, our lives are totally defined by our experience. How our own life works is obviously how the entire world works.
One day, when my oldest son was about 3 years old, I came home from work to find him on the couch with a book in his lap, laughing hysterically.
"Hey baby," I said, as I put away by bag and keys. "What's so funny?"
He held up his book for me. It was a new one I hadn't read before.
"Is that a funny book?"
He nodded his head, barely containing himself, he was laughing so hard. It was contagious, and I was smiling as I sat down beside him on the couch.
"Show me what's funny."
He leaned the book over toward me, but I failed to see the humor. The picture just showed a woman in a kitchen at the stove. He pointed at the picture and through his giggles said, "Mommies don't cook."
Yes, in our house, mommies definitely don't cook. Well, I maybe cook once or twice a year for special occasions, but for all intents and purposes my husband does all the cooking. To my son the book was just so wrong that he could do nothing but laugh.
So maybe I shouldn't have been worried when an older relative tried to tell my son how he was supposed to feel.
For a few weeks he was referring to one of his friends at school as his "boyfriend." His class was going through one of those phases where all the kids were identifying someone as their boyfriend or girlfriend, and he'd picked a little boy in his class as his chosen. It wasn't a big deal, and we honestly didn't spend a lot of time thinking about it, until over a weekend, we saw some family, and this relative was talking to him about school, and my son mentioned his "boyfriend." This person felt it necessary to stop their conversation in order to correct my son and tell him that only girls had boyfriends and boys had girlfriends.
I heard this from across the room and was about to leap, ready to stomp it out, but before I could make my move, my kid's face screwed up into one of innocent confusion. "No," he said to this adult. "Rob is married to Joe. Sam is married to Toby. Julie is married to Sarah." He just shook his head, looking almost as if he felt sorry for this person who simply didn't know how the world worked. He then wandered off to find someone who wanted to talk about interesting things like Hot Wheels or Transformers.
Now, I don't think this person was trying to hurt my kid; they were just telling him how their world worked. But even without malicious intent, it's not OK for anyone to tell my son that what he's feeling is wrong. And that's exactly what they were doing.
Not that I don't get caught flat-footed myself, sometimes. One day, on our way to school in the car (this is where most deep conversations happen between us), we were going through the family and how everyone was connected. Ever since he started school last year, he has been fascinated with how all the people in our lives are connected to one another. Grandma and Grandpa were Daddy's mommy and daddy. Great-grandma is Mommy's grandma. Papa is Mommy's daddy.
"Papa doesn't have a wife," he stated.
"Yes, that's right, he doesn't have a wife."
"Who is his husband?"
"Papa doesn't have a husband."
"Why not? He doesn't have a wife."
Um... I sat for a minute as I realized that nearly every adult male in his life did have a husband when they didn't have a wife. "Papa doesn't want a husband."
"Why not? Who takes care of him?"
"Well, he has a girlfriend -- Sophie."
"So he kisses her and holds her hand and stuff?"
"That's right, baby."
"OK," he said in a tone that clearly displayed he wasn't buying it.
Right now the world is very simple to him. People marry someone they love, and everyone needs someone to take care of them. It's reinforced by what he sees every day. Facts are facts. And the rest of us are just running to catch up.
Follow Amelia on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Amelia_blogger
Anybody got a good word?? Partner and life partner are OK but haven't been accepted by the rest of society....
From my perspective, that is, as the beloved awesome neice of a lesbian aunty and her partner and a gay uncle and his partner, I can say, relax. Growing up, I always knew my aunties and uncles were couples. They were always together, bought the best christmas and birthday grifts, attended all my school functions, and, to this day still spoil me rotten. I just never considered them 'gay' until I was around 7 years and heard about 'being gay' at school. To me, they were just people who loved and supported me.
I'd suggest talking over what you want the kids to know with their parents. And to tell the kids you love and support them and that you and your partner aren't different from any other couple.
Hope I helped a bit!
As a professional, I'm sure you are aware of the way we react to different aspects of our lives according to our experiences, as well as our genetics. I think you have difficulty with the subject because it was a fairly taboo topic for most of your life. I am only 26 and it has been fairly taboo for most of my life as well. I am not gay, so I can't claim to know exactly how you feel within your own mind, but I think you might look into coming to terms with whatever in your past made the subject difficult to confront. Were your parents discriminatory towards gays? Or your good friends as you were growing up? I would second Shayna's comment, as well. Make sure that their parents are comfortable with whatever you decide to teach their children, because, while it is wrong for someone to tell Amelia's kids about the world only being heterosexual, it would also be wrong to start teaching the opposite to children of parents who disagree with your viewpoints. They can come to that conclusion through observation.
As a 36 yr-old gay man, I grew up in a ultra-conservative, extremely fundamentalist, religious household, where my family hasn't spoken to me in almost 3 years because of deep seeded religious views/policies. I still live in a very conservative state, but know there are people out there that don't feel like the majority. It's so heart-warming to see people (adults and children alike) that recognize that life is made up of so many different kinds of individuals and we should embrace all of mankind with love, whether or not we understand their way of life.
Thank you for such a wonderful article! Blessings to your family.