Who Do I Want My Son to Be? I Want Him to Be Himself

My oldest son turned 7 a couple of months ago, and we had a big party with most of our family and friends. My niece Jamie arrived late because she had dance class that day. The present process had already been completed, and all the kids were running around like the crazy people they are. When my son spotted Jamie, he ran straight for her and engulfed her in one of his full-body hugs. She handed him his present, but he didn't make it past the card.

Jamie is an adorable and creative kid in her tweens, and for her cousins' birthdays and Christmas, she likes to make them little art projects about their names or the things they like. For this birthday she made my son a card with a picture of Blaine from Glee on the front. He was ecstatic. He immediately gave Jamie another hug and then ran around the party telling anyone who would listen, "This is my boyfriend Blaine. Jamie gave him to me." He couldn't have asked for a better present. And because he was surrounded by open and caring people, the responses were all, "That's great!" or, "He's pretty cute!" Jamie was so proud of herself for making him something he liked so much.

When I talk or write about how I consider the possibility that my son might be gay, people sometimes get upset. Why do I want my son to be gay? Why do I encourage him? How am I sure?

My gut reaction to questions like these (the one that usually stays in my head) is, "Those questions don't make any sense."

Having a child isn't like buying a new car. No one goes to the kid dealership and says, "I want the male heterosexual model with blue eyes and brown hair. I also want to add the athletic and musical options. Can I get the math and computer skills option without the teen social awkwardness, or do those always come together in this model?"

I want my son to be my son. I want him to be who he is, and like who he is. If he's gay, that's great, and if he's straight, that's great, too (or anywhere in the middle, for that matter). He may have come from my husband and me, but he is his own individual. I hope we are giving him the foundation to make good life decisions and choices, but whether or not he's gay isn't one of them. Because being gay isn't a choice.

I would like to think we encourage all the possibilities of who he may become. Part of that is supporting the things he likes. Right now he likes Blaine, ninjas, football and the movie Our Neighbor Totoro. And usually in that order. Why wouldn't I support all those things? Why wouldn't our friends and family? They make him the awesome little guy he is. Questions like "Why do you encourage him?" imply that there is something wrong with my kid. And there is nothing wrong with my son.

Am I sure that he's gay? In a word, no.

He's in the first grade, and it would be foolish and irresponsible of me to label him anything. He's not telling me, "Mom, I'm gay." As he grows up, it is his job to figure out who he is. If and when he decides to tell me is when I'll know for sure, and not before. Right now he is just a little boy with a crush on another boy. It feels right to him and makes him happy, and that's what matters to me.

That doesn't mean I don't worry. He isn't always in the cocoon of safety we provide. As he becomes more and more outspoken about his "boyfriend" (and despite not being allowed to watch the past few episodes of Glee -- they've been a little mature for him -- his crush remains steadfast), I know a negative reaction is only a matter of time, and I hope the foundation he's been given can stand up to it.

And it also doesn't mean we wait and do nothing. We have talked to the people in our lives and made sure that they know about his crush and know that we think it is totally OK (and won't put up with hearing a hear a word against it). We have an appointment with the principal of his school to talk about their policies on homophobic bullying. And those things happen away from him.

So, I am happy when my niece goes out of her way to make him something she knows he'll like. And I am even happier to know that Jamie made it with the knowledge and blessing of my brother and his wife. I want my son to know that everything about him is beautiful and worth celebrating. And I'll keep the hate away as long as I can, so that he can be my innocent little boy for as long as the world lets him.

 

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Comments

[Marisol FernandezMora]

04:52 PM on 01/06/2012

I just wanted to say you are really inspiring and your son was very blessed to be put into this world with such a loving and wonderful family. You are doing the right thing no matter what his sexual orientation turns out to be and I admire your dedication. If I'd had parents like you when I came out I think I'd have a much more optimistic outlook on the world, and whenever I read your posts you give me back some of the childhood innocence that I've missed for a couple years now. God bless you. :)

[Lindsay Curren]

03:16 PM on 12/30/2011

It's courageous to be open about this and how you're approaching it, ultimately, from a place of unconditional love. Whatever the experience in parenting, with love at the center, you can't go wrong.

But I have a concern as well, which others may have voiced. GLEE is rated PG-14. As an advocate of no media for children 7 and under, and low media for kids 8-17, life is made difficult for those of us who do not wish to expose our kids to mature content but can't avoid it because of the parents who choose a more unrestricted access.

So much of what we learn is from the authority figures in our lives. TV becomes a de facto authority figure, as do all characters and content on it, to kids. (Up to age 8, kids watching TV can’t even tell the difference between ads and programming, according to American Academy of Pediatrics.) So there are some real concerns individually and culturally within this story that go far beyond your son's preferences.

Kids are heavily influenced by what they're watching, as much as by their own unique individuality. It's our responsibility to address age appropriate access to content. We need to respect and support each other in that process because kids are already exposed to too much in our society, which aids in robbing them of the innocence of childhood and makes them into "little adults" instead of children, which confuses them, us and our shared social experience.

[Jeanie Columbo]

11:47 PM on 12/29/2011

Amelia....Bless you You have shared hope young people and for parents. Will I live to see the day when humans can be who ever they are without judgement of others? I was 'warned' about so many people who were different than my family. As a young person I set about getting to know all the humans my family warned me about. I found out that we are really all just human. All we have are each other. We need to be kinder. Your son is so lucky to have a mother like you and I am sure you feel lucky to have such an honest little guy! I feel lucky to know you're in the world!!!

[wilmbear]

08:48 PM on 12/13/2011

thank god for parents and families like yours if more parents were like you I bet there would be a lot less suicide amoung the young

[wilmbear]

08:36 PM on 12/13/2011

thank god for parents like you if all parents were like you i bet youth suicides would be cut in half

[Jay Ellis]

05:28 PM on 12/13/2011

I remember a couple of male cousins at 7 that kept talking about being each others boyfriends and playing with dolls now about twenty years later one is gay and the other is straight and a father of 3

[darlenebonny]

03:35 AM on 12/06/2011

I don't care for these at all. These isn't good thinking and it makes us look bad. In my family it's not an issue, being gay or straight. I don't want kids to be anything, just be kids and be happy.

[Gay-Perry]

03:09 AM on 12/06/2011

You are a wonderful mother, my mom allowed me to be who I am though she explained to me often that the world might not like it, it is my right to be an individual! Kudos to you!

[bdunlap52]

08:17 PM on 12/05/2011

There is something I find very disturbing about even talking about whether or not your 7 year old son is "gay" or "straight". Homosexual and Heterosexual orientation's are just that, SEXUAL orientations. At the age of 7, you aren't having any kind of sexual feelings that are serious in any manner. Those "crushes" that you talk about could be that, or they could just be his terminology for someone he looks up to. If I didn't understand what I was saying when I was 7 (thankfully I did), I might have said the same thing about Joe Montana or Jerry Rice, or Tiffany Amber-Thiessan and Demi Moore. Thankfully, my parents informed me that the terms "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" were entirely different terms than the way I would use them at that age. Hearing my sisters talk about their "girlfriends" was what confused me on the subject. I could care less if your son is gay or straight, or as you said somewhere in between. But he should be talked to about the use of those words, to avoid any confusion and future embarrasment on his part, especially in school. Regardless of any kind of "anti-bullying" or sensitivity training, children are ruthless when it comes to teasing anyone who can be seen as different. You may be saving your son years of angst by explaining the meanings in the words he uses.

[Rooster Coburn]

08:41 PM on 12/05/2011

Couldn't we develop a parent administered screening process to identify "Pre-Gay" youngsters? If a youngster is identified as possibly having S.S.A.S (Same Sex Attraction Syndrome) the parents could increase the heterosexual imagery he or she is exposed to and maybe start to gently explain to him or her that while there is nothing wrong with being "different" most people find that it makes their lives more fulfilling if they fit comfortably into the majority. Probably a lot of these kids are sort of balancing on the fence and just not quite sure on which side they should jump down. I would imagine that most caring parents think that being straight would make their child's life a lot easier, so why not develop a way to give them a "nudge" in that direction?

[bdunlap52]

08:46 PM on 12/05/2011

? I have to admit that I'm confused by your post. I didn't say anything about "nudging" a kid in any particular direction. Just said that words that a child may be using inappropriately should be explained to that child. If that is what the kid means when he says that, at least the parents know that there is no confusion in the childs mind.

[Astraea Muse]

12:33 AM on 12/13/2011

Did you find yourself wondering, as a teenager whether you'd rather kiss a boy or girl? Very few people, heterosexual or homosexual, cannot decide which gender interests them.

The concept that we teach children that their lives will be more fulfilling if they fit into the majority? Creepy, horrible, and wrong. It's difficult enough for a child to feel different, do you really want to reinforce that they will not be fulfilled as a result?

Most children, when they start showing sexual intrest in others, are very clear about the gender they prefer. Nudges will not change this. Hell, years of bullying and hate haven't kept young people from being gay. Why do you thing a nudge from their parents will magically change things.

[Justin Werner]

06:42 PM on 12/13/2011

I imagine the parents have already thought about anything you could bring up. After all, they are in the middle of raising their child and you are a casual onlooker. Give them some credit for being aware of their son's situation.

[bdunlap52]

07:17 PM on 12/13/2011

I believe she says in the article that she doesn't correct his use of the word, nor does she allow anyone in the circle of family and friends to explain the use of the word. Seems to me that they haven't thought very hard about it.

[Alix Morehouse]

08:15 PM on 12/05/2011

We are lesbian parents of an 8-year-old who, by all appearances, will be heterosexual. We did not "order" heterosexual, unusually tall, or Asperger's , but that's the package we got. We're not "pushing" him in that direction any more than you are pushing your little boy to be gay - God bless you for allowing your child to become himself, whoever that may be.

[Justin Werner]

06:48 PM on 12/13/2011

Blessing to your family!

[cheeseheadnate]

02:11 PM on 12/05/2011

Sometimes we as parents have a certain view of what our children will grow up to be, and they have different plans :-) God created us all .. yes a diverse conglomerate of individuals that cover a wide spectrum of beliefs and opinions. He put us all here for his purpose, and the sooner we all treat each other with kindess and stop judging each other the better off we will be. Who are any of us to question one of God's creations? I could care less what sexual preference someone holds, I simply care if they are a quality human being that I want to be surrounded with and I hvae surrounded myself with some absolutely amazing friends and families over the years. God Bless ALL .

[llisa]

01:14 PM on 12/05/2011

"I want my son to be my son. I want him to be who he is, and like who he is."

If every parent felt like this, we would have fewer depressed and confused and angry kids.

Your son is very lucky to have you and his supportive extended family.

[Dartagnon Puissant]

12:52 PM on 12/05/2011

I'm thinking of writing a book about growing up gay in a str8 world and your article YELLS at me to get it done and published. There is SO MUCH to tell a 10 year old gay kid, that you would not even THINK to mention to a str8 kid. Gay kids are, according to psychological testing, 20% smarter than most str8 kids, no doubt to protect them from society, so they have an advantage from the start. IN ADDition I would suggest karate classes, judo too so that he has a "less hurtful" secondary choice, my Dad also taught me how to use a gun when I was about 7 AND stressed the proper use of it, like NEVER pointing it at someone unless the intention was to kill them. Your son won't ever need any of this as long as people know that he is able to defend himself. This will be useful so that in the event he IS gay, he can proclaim it to the world so that he does not have to hide it AND protect himself should anyone else have a problem with it. Having large football friends is recommended as well. :-)

[Dartagnon Puissant]

12:32 PM on 12/05/2011

Amelia, you're a genius! Let the kid find out on his own. BUT, it doesn't hurt to point out, perhaps when he turns about 10, that when men like men, they are considered "gay". This way you are not making up his mind but you are letting him know what he "appears" to be to other people, and letting him know that there ARE many different people on the planet. I say this because when I was 10 I was fooling around with boys but I didn't know that I was considered gay, but deep down I think I knew. I was on the football and judo teams, did my best to cover a lisp with a Brit accent at 13, and amazingly enough, because NO ONE suggested I might be gay, I did not "come out" until I was 50 and it was the New Millennium. HAD someone mentioned in high school or college that there were counselors I probably would not have gone due to shyness. I'm now 61, wishing I had come out as a kid, at the same time thankful that I missed the advent of AIDS in the 1980's when so many people died and being obsessive, compulsive, I would have been one of the first to bite the bullet. Give your son a HINT of what is to come, but yes, you're right, he is too young now, but most gay kids KNOW they are gay between the time they hit 5 or 10.

[warbladex1]

08:33 PM on 12/04/2011

because your not correcting your kid, he might become confused later on in life. but hes your kid and im not the kind of person to tell you, your wrong. time will tell of that. though, a big problem with kids this young is, not relating well with the world, suicidal thoughts and so many mind boggling questions like why can't i live a normal life. you can tell the kid till your blue in the face that its ok, but because certain things were not taught. it makes it harder on the kid, more than parents can understand. best of luck to yah, buddy

[wmad]

05:57 AM on 12/05/2011

If he's gay, telling him that it's okay is the absolute best thing that can be done. "Correcting" him will only make him hate himself and be confused. She's not making him gay, she's just letting her little boy be who he is, and that is perfectly okay.

[warbladex1]

08:40 PM on 12/05/2011

its fine when your an adult and have had some experience under your belt about life and the way it is. think on how your teenage years were, pretty influenced by what people thought right. amplify that by 100 along with you might have friends, yah might not. do i fit in or stand out? knowing how to deal with these things can make you or break you. because every kid is different, we all have different results. i don't have a problem with lbgt but i do think it takes a strong person to come out and be like this. its rough, it really is

[frost2112]

07:13 PM on 12/12/2011

Correct your child when they punch another child in the face.

Don't correct your child when they like someone or something, like ninjas or a Glee character.

Though, please. Please. Correct your child to watch something better than Glee. No one wants a Gleek child.