Frank Ocean is getting on my nerves. Not for the reason you're thinking. I don't care who you decide to love or sleep with. I'm frustrated because now that he has publicly clarified his sexual preference, folks are trying to predict who will be next.
Even Queen Latifah is catching flack. This past week while visiting The View, the musician, actress and spokesperson found herself dodging sexuality questions posed by Barbara Walters. In her 40's Latifah is childless and thinking of adopting which naturally means, it's time for her to address whether she is gay or straight. The awkward exchange didn't shake Latifah who declared that her private life is not open for discussion.
I'm not a celebrity but I have felt the prying eyes into my sexual origin.
I'm 31 years old, black and childless. Coming from an American-American family with strong southern roots, that means either I can't have kids or I'm a lesbian.
My mother got married at 19 and had me at 22. My grandmother got married late - 23. "And I was a grown woman," she likes to emphasize before reminding me that she also had seven kids. By their example I should have been married by now. They also don't buy into the "black women aren't getting married" hype that's managed to depress a lot of my girlfriends and sell thousands of magazines.
My singleness is a major issue of concern. "Chloe, I don't want you to be alone," my mother says with just enough love so I know that it's coming from a good place. I also know she fears that I'll end up being the old woman with 50 cats, eating cake frosting for dinner being featured on Hoarders: Buried Alive. Good thing I don't like cats.
Why would I subject myself to a life of solitude, unless I was a lesbian and didn't want my family to know? At a recent family gathering, I had a cousin flat out ask me "Chloe, do you like men?" Her bouncing her third child on her knee did not go unnoticed. "I've never seen you with one."
I've never been the type to bring every man I date around the family. There were no suitors calling my mom "Mom" or sitting on the couch watching the game with my dad. Throughout my entire dating life, I've only brought home two guys -- once in college and a recent ex. That leaves a gap long enough to keep my folks wondering what team I'm really playing on.
I could tell by the sound in her voice that she was hoping she would be the one to get me to crack. She would go down in our family history as being the one who "Chloe came out to."
But she was only right about one thing. She's never seen me with a guy because she lives 900 miles away. Apparently that wasn't a logical enough reason. No, I must be a lesbian.
When I told her I was indeed heterosexual, you know her response? "Well, when are you going to have kids?" While her first question had a sympathetic tone to it, this one had a heavy air of "girl, what's wrong with you?"
Just moments before she thought she was going win a toaster oven. Now she's advocating for Occupy Chloe's Womb.
There was a time when my default response to that question was "I don't have kids because I'm not married." But then I made the mistake of saying that to a group of women at a BBQ, all with kids, none of them married. The conversation started with each of them talking about how happy they were to be out without their kids. Then when they noticed I was quiet on the subject, their attention turned to me. As soon as the "d" on "married" came out of my mouth I knew I had successfully offended every woman there. I was the enemy. I considered myself better than them because they took on the task of procreation without a ring. I was insulting their service to increasing the black population by any mean necessary. I was the problem with the world, me with my old fashion values.
Over the years I've found myself dropping hints letting my family know that yes, I enjoy the company of men. I have deliberately let condoms fall out of my pocketbook or popped birth control pills at the dinner table. Don't worry, I did it with class.
My bible-thumping grandmother even shows her concern on occasion. While sitting at her kitchen table, where she holds court, she once told me the story of her friend who found out her granddaughter "liked girls."
"Miss Deloris," she began, taking a sip of her homemade iced tea filled mason jar with a million ice cubes in it. "Those kids of hers got her going crazy. The youngest grand calls herself liking girls." She bit her bottom lip and looked at me with an ultraviolet ray stare.
"Someone said they saw the child walking and holding hands with a girl dressed up like a boy."
Death ray stare.
"The girl wants to move in with her girlfriend. She's only 19."
Gamma ray stare.
I knew exactly how to end this. I took out my birth control pills and popped one.
Follow Chloé Hilliard on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Chloe_Hilliard
You should watch "A Room with a View." There are two sisters who never marry and there is no insinuation that they are gay.
All of that up there? It's procreator-code for "What's wrong with you?"
I really don't think your race or religion or financial status plays a defining part in this kind of criticism. I'm 47, of European/Russain descent, atheist, have a somewhat decent job, obey the law, pay my own way, and am happy with my (very) minor successes... and I, like most of my friends, CHOSE not to have kids.
I have never hidden the fact that I have no interest in marriage or children, and that I am hetero - and I need to explain that last bit to procreators every single time! It's an insult to me & childless women everywhere, and it's especially insulting to lesbians.
Women I don't even know at the grocery store say "I'm so sorry, that's so sad" after they've gone on & on about their kids and then I state that I don't have any. "Why on earth are you sorry?" I say. "I chose not to. I don't want any. I never did." And then I get looked at like I have just grown a third head.
The worst part about this is that most of the judgement calls are being made by my fellow women.
Do confirmed bachelors get this kind of pressure and criticism? I doubt it. What a bunch of stereotypical crap.
Being a single 40-something, I desire a man who has (non-depreciating) assets, limited children (2 max), and no baby mama drama. That’s hard to come by these days! I always had the desire to be a mother, but I wasn’t raised to be a baby mama, the ring MUST come first. Now that I’m 44, in considering the possibility of being part of the sandwich generation, a baby just doesn’t fit into the picture that is my life. Like me, my parents are older (68 and 69) and I don’t want the responsibility of raising a baby/toddler while trying to take care of senior citizens, all while attempting to be an excellent employee.
Obviously, God has another plan for me. I can’t say I like it, but I’m enjoying the process of accepting this situation. I can come and go as I please, make last minute decisions to attend a concert event, or take a last minute trip. If God wants me to be a mother, He’ll make it happen. In the meantime, my family will just have to get over it. :-)
I didn't want to look up from the dinner table one day at a man I never loved, and kids that I would rather not have to raise, but are obligated to raise. No matter how much you love them, if you don't want to be there, children will feel that on some level and it will hurt them in a way that is permanently damaging. I never wanted that, and I can live with the choices I have made in my life. I have peace of mind because I am not creating pain for other people based on my own personal agenda.
The guy in the bar was stunned. He didn't know what to say. I also told him that a man that is in love with and married to a woman that doesn't love him at all is in an impossible position because nothing he does will ever be good enough. He will never make enough money, never look good enough, etc, to get the response he is looking for in her because it was never there in the first place. No- I'm sorry- count me out.
Let's be more diligent about our own personal behavior, and love God first and our fellow human beings as we love ourselves to help make the world a better place for all of us.