Brother John McCain Explains It All For You

The following is an excerpt from a chapter on world religions from John McCain's upcoming book: I Spent Five and a Half Years in a Vietnamese Prison Camp and My Mind is as Sharp as a...Ooh, look, a Birdie! Published by Harper Collins.

Purim. The Jewish version of Halloween, in which children dress up in costumes and go door to door, though instead of saying "trick or treat" and receiving candy they say "we are your only ally in the region, give us money and guns and support in the U.N." In this ritual they often employ a ceremonial noisemaker called a grogger which, when twirled in the air, simulates the sound of machine gun fire. This is done every time someone utters the name of Haman, a traditional Purim hobgoblin.

Easter. Christian Ground Hog Day. A holiday commemorating the time when Jesus came out of his grave and saw his shadow, which meant six more weeks of lent, a traditional period of self-denial in which Christians are forbidden from drinking Scotch, playing golf at restricted clubs, wearing plaid pants, or attending pancake breakfasts. Instead they must send all their money and pancakes to the fattest religious leader who, like the traditional sin-eater, takes on all their impurities and because of his heightened spiritual awareness can get rich and fat without his soul being tainted. (See Rev. John Hagee.)

The Burning Bush. A traditional Jewish sports ritual similar to our Super Bowl. When Moses saw the burning bush, it was not a mystical revelation, but a bonfire celebrating the First Annual Desert Classic Inter-Tribe Football Championship. Written on two stone tablets were the lineups of the two finalists. The golden calf was their equivalent of the Lombardi Trophy.

Ji-had! The Islamic version of the American expression "Yee-Ha!" often heard at rodeos by cowboys riding Brahma bulls and waving hats in the air. Only in the Islamic tradition the expression is used when someone drives an old Mercedes into a lunchtime crowd and blows everyone up. This is followed a week later by a holiday similar to our Mother's Day or Father's Day, called Orphans' Day, sort of a "Those Without Mothers or Fathers Day." All children are given Hershey Bars. If they save 15 wrappers they can be turned in to the company for a free trip to Disneyworld.

Ramadan. A month-long fast and purification ritual in which devout Muslims often make a pilgrimage to Mecca called a Hajj, in which they circumambulate a large square block until the music stops, at which point they must sit down immediately, much like in our game of musical chairs, where whoever is left standing is out. Though instead of having to move to the side and have a cookie, the loser is decapitated. Traditionally, this is played with two teams - Sunni and Shi'a - a rivalry similar to our Yankees/Red Sox match-ups, only with less animosity.

Passover. A holiday commemorating the Jews' escape from Egypt, beginning their 40-year trek in the desert in search of the Holy Land. This is celebrated by a traditional dinner called a shwarma, in which a large slab of pressed meat referred to as Charlton Heston is slow roasted, signifying the suffering of the Jews under the oppressive heat of the desert sun. Fortunately, like in Phoenix, it was a dry heat.

Yom Kippur. The Jewish Day of Atonement. The High Holy Day, in which Jews fast as a way of apologizing to the world for not being perfected Christians.

Comments

[wenton]

Purim equals Halloween??!! 100 year war in Iraq??!! McCain needs to get his act together.

[Purple Girl]

Loved It!
the minute one Being had to compromise with another regarding what IS , tha t which can not be Known, the human spirit was captured. As soon as we were told one Perosn had the 'essence' of all that can not be understood, we were waterboarded into submission.
We ahve been lead to believe we Need Middle mangement for a relationship which is intimate and personal. One that occurs regardless of where you are or Who you are.
I find my Faith & am Awe Inspired in th eeyes of a new born foal, in the beauty of the day (regardless of Weather) in the laugh and communion with those I am blessed to have around me.
Churches ,Synagogues ,Temples are a diversion, a travesty to Faith. Why do you think th emost profound Philosophers have always discussed the Unexplainable upon a Hill- to see what wonders we have been given- The Gift which requires our undivided attention and Care. WE are the Ordained Stewards regardless of the source- A 'god' or Nature, we are responsible to it, all It encompasses and Each Other.
Let the 'Resurrection' be in your Heart & Soul as a Steward of All that IS, everyday!

[mpflinn]

Is this article necessary for some reason?

[bobzil]

Is this post and the comments supposed to be funny? Keep trying.

[igurvitz]

Yes, they is. We am trying as hard as we can.

[lilWilliStyle]

dude, anger is like tobacco if you put in to much you lose everything else you are trying to do.

[lilWilliStyle]

tabasco, not tabacco I was smoken

[Merg]

Puhlease, get over yourselves....this is simply meant as humour. I believe even God, (Jesu, Allah) laughs and wishes us all to do likewise. So many man-made symbols and Holidays are not the essence of the creator.

[DeWayne]

As a Christian what I've heard from this author and similar dialog and text, is hurt that I cannot in conscience totally condemn. So many today believe the hate and denigration or slander they hear from (supposed) religious people, being enough to throw off and discourage any interest, that being part of such religion would need emulate similar evil.
Thankfully most that espouse these religious principles, of hate and slander, haven't the slightest understanding of the religions or it's teachings they claim. Were I a perfect individual I would have much more to say (about others), so I will simply say what I've just read proves what is taught in my Christian Bible, that in the end days this is what will be found as true.
It may appear that the true believers are a part of this evil, I believe instead that the people in numbers are by now to small to be heard above the ringing in most ears.

[plainsman]

To add to that, I'd think poor grammar and syntax, which leads to ambiguity, would be the more likely culprits.

[plainsman]

Yes. I'm sure humor is the vehicle of the Antichrist. He's come to make us all die from laughter.

[mlaiuppa]

I thought Purim was more like Mardi Gras.

[Barticus]

Actually Purim is somewhat like Halloween, though it's more like Christmas.

[koshanostra]

you sure about that?

my 7 years of jewish day school plus growing up in an entirely jewish family tells me otherwise.....