How To Talk About Death

Q: I have a friend who is dying. We have been friends for over 30 years, ever since high school. We've been through a lot together - a virtual lifetime talking through jobs, marriages, divorces, and even as we discovered one night, wanting to date the same fantasy girl. But we are not yet old enough to have become familiar with a lot of illness or death. My friend's impending death is something new for both of us -rough, awkward, searing and estranging. This is not the way I want things to end.

Last week was our high school reunion. We both went. Needless to say, there were a lot of strained silences as old classmates came by to say hi and then noticed my obviously sick friend. No one knew what to say. Do you launch into talk about the good old days? Do you ask how things are going? Do you even mention the future?

What do you say to a friend who is dying?

A: Good for you for even asking this difficult question. You are showing concern for your friend and his comfort. We are all unsure of how to deal with tragedy in someone else's life. We know we want to help and we worry about what we should say to them. But sometimes while focusing on the other person, it's useful to wonder about ourselves. Why do these situations, or this particular one, make us feel so much discomfort? Answering that question can help give us a clue of what to say to others. It requires being aware of both sides of the interchange, the person helping (you) and the person being helped (them).

For the person going through what your friend is, there's no single right way to proceed. Each individual requires his own unique approach. In your friend's case, determining what his needs are requires the sort of proximity, or intimacy, that many people fear.

A wise 15-year-old girl, hospitalized once with a possibly debilitating but not communicable illness, told me that her friends were afraid to visit her in the hospital because they were afraid of her illness. What she understood and they didn't is that it simply scared them. Their thinking was probably and unconsciously that if they stayed away from pain, fear and tragedy, maybe then pain, fear and tragedy will stay away from them.

Sometimes the pain we see in others triggers a pain that we experienced way back --a kind of echo, sometimes greatly amplified, of the old pain. Sometimes, though, avoidance may be just one way of dealing with our universal fear of death.

So, think about what it is that scares you so much. Then, after coming to terms with your fears -not overcoming them, mind you -bear down and really listen to what the other person is telling you. You might have to listen to all the painful details or just might have to sit silently by, lending your support just with your presence. Sometimes being a good friend means accepting that your friend might want some distance from others, that he needs some time on his own to find the strength to gather his dwindling strength and resources. It's comforting for someone in his condition to know that people are available, but his first priority is to plug in his own batteries. This urge to withdraw can leave friends feeling helpless or powerless, sometime even hurt or angry. We all prefer to take action - so send an email, leave a phone message, write a note. Believe me, if you just make your friend aware that you are there, he will appreciate that and it will give him strength and comfort.

And finally there is always the awful question of whether this disease, this life-ending condition, has so changed your friend that he can no longer be your friend -not as he was, anyway. Your friend may have at one point been the stronger of you two. He may have been the leader or maybe even the clown. Now, the relationship is being redefined. He can no longer be who you are expecting him to be. He will be a new friend, facing new challenges, with new needs, and with a new identity. He is looking to you to easily adjust to these new roles and new ways of communicating.

So, be ready to listen, to embrace him, and to give him what he needs. Don't forget to understand your own expectations of him from the past. Don't ignore your own fears. And soon you will find yourself growing as you accept the new ground rules of your friendship. You will become proud of your new ability to hear and to adjust to a friendship that entails no judgment and offers unconditional support. You will love the new levels of friendship that you now have with your old friend.

A simple answer to the question of what to say to a friend who is dying or in great pain? Approach, don't be afraid, be honest and ask questions. Don't assume you understand or can make the pain go away. What you can do is listen, respond and give back what is needed, even if that is silence.

Comments

[seethelight]

I think the most important thing to ask of the dying would be... what have you learned? There is no better question to ask.

[seethelight]

I think the best thing to do when someone is dying is ask them what they have learned, both from living and from dying (the process of). It is their life and their revelations are pearls of wisdom if we could only see their truth for what it is. Nothing is more real than that.

[fcsakes]

Why does everyone assume that because a person has a terminal illness, it is all they want to talk about ?

A person who is dying, isn't dying right now. She is living. Live with her. Be the friend you've always been and don't try to be Mother Teresa - if she needs to open up, that is HER decision, not yours; if she feels safe with you, she will.

Do not ask curiousity questions. Just be there, either still and calm, or willing to have a beer or watch sappy movies or play video games or whatever. The time to work out your own feelings about death is NOT when you are with your friend. Do it before or after, or right now is a good time.

Volunteer at a hospice, take grief counseling training, read Kubler-Ross or Ram Dass, whatever helps you through this. Try not to make assumptions based on your fear. Death is nothing at all - fear is the enemy, and it's contagious.

[brooklyncitizen]

Mostly people in this culture treat death and illness as anomalies. To fully confront death is also a reflection of maturity and some of us will never be ready to stare this suffering in the face. If we are able to look at the suffering and experience and embrace it this can be a gift. There is something powerful and beautiful in being present for someone when they needed you the most .

[naschkatze]

When I was an RN, we were always told to listen rather than talk at first, and this is a starting point for you. Just having someone who will listen when everyone else seems so uncomfortable and doesn't want to go there. Something you really have to play by ear to be genuine. We had a friend who died about 15 years ago, and the dam broke when he said that the worst thing about dying was the loneliness. His family had put him in a room which was kind of separated from the rest of the house so it was a cry for help which we could do something about. It's tough, but really meaningful things can come out of this difficult situation if one listens with one's heart as well as one's ear.

[jadez]

the person dealing with the illness is the one who will tell you how to react.
all you have to do is be sensitive to their words.

[EspritDeVoltaire]

A lot depends upon how your friend is taking the news. I've seen friends and relatives have reactions across the entire spectrum from becoming hysterical and shaking in fear at the thought to joking about it until the last breath to asking me (and I'm sure others) to have the medical staff finish them off. I really don't think there is a correct answer to this dilemma.

One of the bravest people I've ever seen was a young girl who was dying of cancer. She actually comforted those who were breaking into tears around her. If there is such a thing as a saint, then she indeed was one. Probably the best thing anyone can do is simply to be there for their friend when they need you and let them know that they are loved.

[TomGerdy]

HuffPost's Pick

I recently lost a friend to cancer. When she first told me that she was dying, I struggled with how to handle the situation. I found the answer from a woman I know who had lost a teenaged daughter to cancer a few years back. I asked her what was the best thing anyone did for her as she went through it. Her response was pretty simple and the message was very clear. She said, "Let me tell first tell you that the worst thing people did was avoid it or me. The best thing was when people were open and themselves." Like life, everyone has to handle death in their own way, but just being who we were seemed to be the answer for those of us who in the life of this dear friend. We talked openly about everything before she got sick so we approached the cancer the same way. We gathered and partied on a regular basis before she got cancer so we continued to have gatherings as she got sicker. The beach party I wrote about this month on Huffington Post (Oceanfront Land In Kansas) was just one example of being who we were. You both are still the same people, one of you just happens to be sick.

Peace,
Tom

[Barbara914]

Because you're asking the question, it means that you're a good person. One idea that may be helpful is to say, "I'm not sure what's happening with you (or, I know you're going through a rough time), and I just want you to know that you're not going to go through this alone. I'll be with you every step of the way." Then be there. Listen, and let your friend take the lead.

[Barackanot]

I just went through this with my 30 year old niece. From the moment we heard the word CANCER everything seemed to change. Because I lived out of town I became her online confident. The person she could confide to about what was going on around her. She felt compelled to keep up a positive not only for her children but for those around her. Always keeping her true feelings locked inside. Soon she was calling me at 2 am suffering from anxiety attacks. It didn't take long before we realized that after these early morning calls she was feeling better and upbeat. The answer was simple. Talk . Friends need to let their friend know that they are there for them. Anytime of night or day. Tell them to call you - please. Keep nothing inside. Soon my niece became a spokesperson. Telling her story before hundreds of people. Bringing the room to tears and she blossomed. She is now in remission . Her fight is not over but her positive attitude has been the answer to her healing process. Without friends and family a person is more likely to have a negative state of mind. Cheer them on! Talk.

[happycat]

I am so glad to know that you were there for your niece, and that she is now in Remission. That is truly wonderful news. I hope that you all continue to do well. Thanks for the heartwarming anectdote. We can all learn something positive from your experience.