I'm Britney's Neighbor, Bitch

For some reason, my wife and I never got around to baking brownies for Britney Spears and bringing them over in a welcome wagon. That's probably for the best since I'm pretty sure that armed guard outside her gated community wouldn't have let us in anyway. Besides for what now seems like forever, our little stretch of the Hollywood Hills has regularly been besieged by a tireless pack of bottom dwelling scumbags -- oops, I'm sorry, I meant dedicated professional tabloid journalists apparently committed to documenting and perhaps expediting a little human tragedy in an area with a view.

Though she probably doesn't remember it, Brit and I actually have, shall we say, a little history together. No, I never slept with her, but I did briefly hang out with her and Justin backstage once upon a more carefree and poppier time at some now canceled award show. Our next encounter was when I wrote a few lines for her at the Grammy Awards when she presented an award with Matthew Perry.

From there our non-relationship got more complex. I happen to be there when Britney, Madonna and Christina Aguilera extensively and, I will confess, entertainingly rehearsed their famous onstage kisses for MTV's Video Music Awards. Later, weeks after she married that guy named Jason Alexander, we were this close to having Britney do a send-up of that short-lived matrimonial bliss with that other, funnier Jason Alexander of Seinfeld fame on yet another Grammy show. Not for the last time, Britney dropped out at the last moment, and so we ended up replacing her with someone who we knew we could count on -- Snoop Dogg.

Sure, there are so many other stray and decidedly non-sordid memories of my so-called life with the Britster that I could share here. But I'm writing this now simply to say at long last, there's good news to report. I watched Britney earlier this week as a needy receptionist on How I Met Your Mother and was genuinely happy to see that this recovering pop tart came off as once again being plenty cute and functionally funny.

For what it's worth, I just want to say that it's so very nice to see a sweet girl from the neighborhood finally get a shot in show business.

Comments

[NoSillyName]

Awww, everyone is so nice. I expected some snark.

[dahpunkster]

AWW .. I liked you piece, I hope you right more..... I also sincerely hope that Brittney devotes herself to cleaning up her act and doing tv and movies, so she can see her kids and have a nice life.I also hope she stays away from her ex husband and does not get back together with him...

[adamsmith]

LEAVE BRITNEY ALOOOOOONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Steamboater]

"Sure, there are so many other stray and decidedly non-sordid memories of my so-called life with the Britster that I could share here."
Oh, please do! If you had baked those brownies with some weed in them, I'm sure you would have had no problem getting past Britney's gate.

[Lucille]

It's nice to know that another family in the neighborhood cares about her.

Instead of brownies send her a fruit and cheese basket (with a some chocolate thrown in), and your best wishes.

[jetgirl]

She could use a friend. I'm sure she'd like the brownies.

[Guitarsandmore]

David,

If you want to do something for your neighbor, invite her to attend church with you.

Best Regards,
G&M

[DrFelch]

OH yeah... Religion will fix her right up! Maybe she will start sprouting stigmata and decide to go an a jihad, or perhaps she will discover what a huge "sinner" she is and hate herself forever, thanks to the glory hole of god! What a total shite idea. I truly despise religious idiocy. It is a mental disease and the worst enemy of mankind.

[roger3815]

Please don't make her suffer through those middle-eastern fairytales. Hasn't she been through enough already?

[Portmanteaux]

Funny to see all the links begging the web surfer to explore the fruits of tabloid journalism...if everyone is doing it how bad can it be?

[MsLiz]

In Ms. Spears' case, no news is good news.

[suzanne110]

tee hee- definitely send the brownies.

[MsLiz]

Not magic brownies.

[suzanne110]

good point

[wndrwrthg]

A very pleasant article, you should still do the brownies though (everyone loves brownies). My first impression of her was as a celebrity, whom I find less than pleasing. But having had to be exposed to the crisis that became her life, I wish nothing but the best for her and those others who find themselves in similar situations. Hope things work out fine for her.

[Economike]

Thanks now if we could just get control of the green zone....

[WomanInOrangeSweater]

Maybe if we bake the militias some brownies...

[msfiskvletterman]

3/27/08
5:59pm
Alexandria, VA

I'm happy for her, too. And glad she has nice neighbors.