The 50 Funniest Jokes Ever (According to One Paper)

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

a man is about to go into the desert for 2 years,
nobody knows why,
but jokes often demand such harsh terms.

he tells his best friend -
if i'm not back in two years
i want you to be with my wife -
here is the key to her chastity belt.
his friend solemnly takes the key and bows.

the man heads off into the desert, alone on a horse (as jokes sometimes go).
he is a couple miles out of town when a whirlwind of dust
approaches him from the town he left.
he is baffled by the unexpected tornado.

he slows his horse and turns,
and it is his best friend.

"wrong key." his friend tells him.

Why is the Brokeback Mountain joke supposed to be funny?

Anyone? I don't get it.

Watching Bill Maher interview Sen. Arlen Specter, he said that He wished he would have been the running mate of either George Bush. Why? Because then the ticket would have been "Bush & Specter". (hint: sound it out).

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: That's not funny.

Emo Philips
Cellphones are like a dog's nipples. You don't have to shout into them!

That has got to be the funniest thing I've read in a long time!

Two old ladies on a park bench. Guy walks up and flashes them. One old lady had a stroke. The other couldn't quite reach that far.

Skeleton walks into a bar. Says, "gimme a beer and a mop."

None of those were all that funny.

I was going to say that these jokes killed when they were spoken live.
But I don't think we have enough evidence to convict...

[ba-doomp boomp!]

How many women with pms does it take to screw in a lightbulb.

One goddammit!

Henny Youngman: A hooker walked up to me on the street and said, "I'll do anything you want for $50." I said, "OK. Paint my house."

Wow, how unfunny. And a quarter of them are racist. Oh wait, they're just jokes, I shouldn't take it so seriously...

they forgot the best joke of all: Hillary saying the race is close

what's red, blue, orange and looks great on hippies?

fire!

Try the veal.

When you say killer jokes, is it a reference to the comedian dying on stage. Some of them are among t he worst jokes I've ever heard.

I don't think Bill Mahr's that funny. Especially last episode of Real Time...I mean jeez! Rich, white men asking what's the problem between Latinos and Blacks. Or--

(Paraphrased) "Black communities are now called 'urban' which is odd since they were brought over to work the fields. ".

I think the black community has progressed in cultural importance since 1865, but that's just me.

They were pretty unfunny.

Most of these jokes are only funny to those who live for humor based on celebrities or for humor that puts people down for being old, or for not being physically attractive according to normative standards, or for being women. Most of these jokes aren't funny, they're just plain mean and superficial. Topical humor is shallow and disposable and few of these jokes will have a shelf life past this spring.

Big surprise: the list is printed in the goddamn New York Post. Cannot understand what that shit is doing on a supposedly progressive website.

My three favourite jokes:

1) From Elayne Boosler: "The Vatican just announced that they are against surrogate parenthood. Ooh, I'm glad they didn't have that rule when JESUS was born!"

2) Tony Danza commenting on the O.J. Simpson trial back on the old "Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher" show: "Hitler left less clues."

3) Gilbert Gotfriend doing an impersonation of Elmer Fudd as Kurtz in "Apocalypse Now": "The howwa, the howwa. He-he-he-he-he"

Bad list except for the bowling joke.

Guy walks into a bar and sits down. While there he notices a large pickle jar full of tens. He asks the bartender. "What's up with the jar full of tens?".

Bartender says that's money from guys who lost the following bet.

"See that big man at the end of the bar? You gotta knock him out with one punch."

"SO?" the guys says, "BUT" the bartender continues, "THEN you have to go in the back where we have a 150 pound mean asses Rottweiller that has a bad tooth that needs to be extracted. THEN we got a hooker in the back that has never had an orgasm and you have to get her off. You do all three of those things and the jar of tens is yours."

DAMN! Thinks the guy, that just ain't worth it. BUT after more than a handful of strong drinks he figure what the hell and drops ten bucks in the jar, walks over to the big guy at the end of the bar... BAM! Knocks him out with one punch. THEN he goes to the back room where the Rottweiler is and the bartender hears all sorts of barking, growling, things being thrown around the room and then finally a YELP.

The drunk guy walks out of the room pulling his pants and zipper up and then says, "NOW WHERE IS THAT HOOKER WITH THE BAD TOOTH!"

~45 completely unfunny jokes. ~4 mildly funny. One that actually made me laugh out loud:

Bill Maher

Barack Obama bowled a 37. Is he black enough for you now?

Go ahead, call me a racist. I laugh at jokes that take me completely by surprise.

funniest man on tv is Craig Ferguson at 12:37am in the morn. retired oldsters should take a nap in the eve and then try him....real letloose chuckle talent is very hard to find in 2008!

"Soylent Green is STILL people"

-----The late Charlton Heston RIP

This is satire, right? Those people couldn't really think those jokes are funny.