Fire in Clinton Campaign Headquarters Destroys Tax Returns

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TERRE HAUTE, Ind. (BorowitzReport) -- A blazing fire that ravaged Sen. Hillary Clinton's campaign headquarters in Terre Haute, Indiana, destroyed more than just the building, campaign officials revealed today.

A spokesman for the Clinton campaign said that the 2007 tax returns of Mrs. Clinton and her husband, former President Bill Clinton, went up in flames along with everything else.

In fact, according to a spokesman for the Terre Haute Fire Department, the tax returns may have been ignited first, setting off the conflagration that burned the building to the ground.

"Based on our initial investigation, it looks like gasoline was poured all over the tax returns and then set ablaze," said THFD spokesman Tracy Klujian. "Whoever did this has experience in destroying records."

While the Terre Haute police have yet to name any suspects in the inferno, an eyewitness to the fire said he saw a "person in a yellow pantsuit with black trimming" fleeing the building moments after the campaign headquarters caught on fire.

At a press conference in Pittsburgh, Mrs. Clinton said that the incineration of her tax records was "a great personal loss," adding, "I was so looking forward to sharing them with the American people."

Mrs. Clinton cut her press conference short after a protracted coughing fit, complaining of smoke inhalation.

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He is the host of "Countdown to '08" at the 92nd Street Y on Tuesday, May 13 at 8 PM with his special guests Calvin Trillin (The New Yorker), Susie Essman (HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm) and Jonathan Alter (Newsweek, MSNBC). For tickets, go to 92y.org.

Comments

[SBtheYDD]

HuffPost's Pick

As I write this, Google News is linking this post as if it were real news, right in there with actual news articles on the fire in Clinton's office. Now that's subtle humor! Good show, Andy.

[Kenny2k]

This begs the question. Why are the Ex President and Democratic Presidential Candidate's personal tax records sitting in some office in Terre Haute. And Hillary says she is so disappointed she can't share the tax records with the American public now. LOL, LOL, LOL.

[loper2008]

very funny. thanks for the laugh.

[chlllfactor]

How convenient! Looks like the American people will never see Hillary"s 2007 tax returns.

[Citizenchick]

You had me going...what's really bad, I wouldn't put it past them.
But of course they'd have somebody else do it...

[Shantee]

HAAAAA!

[carfino]

Sounds eerily like the National Guards Archive that burned down......consuming of Bush's National Guard records.

It's funny how co-incidences like this occur.

[blaqntelligence]

Of all the different reports of this event, yours is the only one that involves tax records and gasoline......hmmmmm.

BTW, I am a die hard Obama supporter.

[definitelyNOTmisterRIGHT]

Priceless! Andy, thanks again for the laugh! Keep up the good word!