Hillary Clinton: First to Land on the Moon

With breaking news of Senator Hillary Clinton's heretofore unknown personal history and incredible accomplishments coming out daily, I thought I'd do some research of my own. What I found was stunning! It seems that this presidential hopeful has broken the boundaries of time and space to make her mark on her own country, and yes, indeed, the entire world. Mark Penn and James Carville have been slackers at their richly paid jobs as Hillary's Head Spinners as they led her attacks against Barack Obama. They should have been encouraging their candidate to tell more about herself.

If you thought her resume and experience were already too good to be true, you can't miss these startling new tidbits, counting down to the present:

10. Hillpatra: The real Queen of the Nile, Egyptian goddess, and hot mama of the ancient world, who fell in love with Mark Antony. The asp didn't get her after all. She jumped out of his way just as the snake struck and missed!

9. The Virgin Hillary: Yes, it was Hillary who was on the receiving end of the Immaculate Conception with the Holy Spirit to produce the Son of God (and I don't mean Bill Clinton).

8. Hillary the Hun: Of course, Hillary was the one who introduced military sophistication to this period (406-453). She was the great, and some say, cruel, leader of the Hunnic Empire -- and feared by her Western and Eastern Roman Empire enemies. It was because of Hillary's attacks in Italy that the grand city of Venice was founded. Western Civilization is in her debt!

7. Hillary the Lionheart: Hillary was the beloved child of Eleanor of Aquitaine and, like her brothers, was known for ruthlessly challenging her father, Henry II's, authority. She began her great military reputation at age 16 and was crowned King of England in her early 30s. But that wasn't enough. Hillary also became a Christian leader of the Third Crusade to take back the Holy Land from the Muslim infidels.

6. Hillangelo: Yes, folks. Hillary was the most famous artist of the 16th-century Italian Renaissance -- painter, sculptor, engineer, architect, and poet. Hillangelo created the exquisite Pietà and the David, before she was thirty. And we can't forget that she painted the magnificent Sistine Chapel lying on her back.

5. Hillary Washington: The news flash is that Hillary has already been president! It was she who led the Revolutionary Army and became the first elected leader of the United States. You see, her claims of 35 years of experience are actually quite modest. Hillary was also famous for chopping down her father's cherry tree. When she was asked about it, she replied, "I cannot tell a lie, I did it with my little hatchet."

4. Hillary Nightingale: After receiving her divine Christian calling, Hillary rebelled against her upper-class societal expectations -- that she get married and have a family. Instead, she devoted herself to nursing the sick, the poor, and the wounded soldiers in the Crimean War. Yes, Hillary was "The Lady with the Lamp," which she shone on modern medicine and each of us.

3. Hillary the Kid: Not only is Hillary a lover of guns and an avid duck hunter, she was the fastest gun in the Old Wild West.

2. Hillary Einstein: Hillary was, in fact, the "Person of the Century" as named by Time magazine in 1999. She is a god in the physics community for her brilliant theory of relativity, specifically E = mc2. She received the Nobel Peace Prize in Physics for her "services to Theoretical Physics." We can solidly state after learning this that Hillary = genius.

1. Hillary Armstrong: Last but not least in the startling unknowns of Hillary's past, and contrary to popular belief, it was Hillary who first stepped on the moon. It was Hillary who uttered these historic words, "That's one small step for [a] man, one giant leap for mankind."

If this isn't enough to recommend Hillary for commander-in-chief, I don't know what is! She's global genius rolled into one human package.

Perhaps you, dear readers, can add to our list. Do you know more accounts of Hillary's amazing personal history and experience?

Please, do tell.

Comments

[GaiasChild]

Lizzie Borden.

[normathumb]

Cognitive dissonance isn't always a bad thing.

[normathumb]

Working both sides of the aisle, Hillary was opposed to NAFTA while in favor of it.

[deejsmom]

I likes this one!

[normathumb]

Hillary was the real fifth Beatle and the mysterious subject of the song "Fool on a Hill".

[jfor]

Sir Hillary Hillary first to climb Mt. Everest, alone, at night, during a hurricane, before the avalanche while cooking chicken parmesan just the way Bill likes it, extra cheesy.

[LAJonathan]

She's Paulette Revere, don't forget that one!!

[northeast73]

I guess when you are supporting a candidate with ZERO ACCOMPLISHMENTS, its sensible to attack the one that acutaly HAS accomplishments.....


Sad.

[missjabez]

I don't know which candidate you're talking about but my candidate is very accomplished and very gifted, and he managed to achieve things on his own, without riding his spouse's coattails.

[ATLiberal]

Accomplishments?? Please, share them.

[Syco]

Name one thing she accomplished before she met bill?

[Syco]

Just because you don't know them doesn't mean the don't exist

[Syco]

Hillary Barry
She is the only white guy to win the dunk contest

[rgersmrk]

Don't forget she inspired the song "My Sharona" too. lol

[clovisss]

Hillary Watergate: she singlehandedly brought down the Nixon administration as a young lawyer for the House Judiciary Committee. But was that before she was fired? Her boss stated recently:

"...Hillary"s history of lies and unethical behavior goes back farther " and goes much deeper " than anyone realizes."

http://www.northstarwriters.com/dc163.htm

[FullChat]

I know for a fact that Hillary is the Queen of Denial!!

[Independent_voter]

Good yuck.

I prefer hillary nightmare to Hillary Nightingale - but still very funny.

[elevando]

Beth,

This article was pure genius. How would we go about having it nominated for Pulitzer consideration next year?

[HockeyTown4Ever]

Pure Genius? How about purely sophmoric?
This isn't the "uplifting" that Sen. Obama is calling for, it's the kind of rhetoric I thought I left behind in high school.
Sen. Obama is a good candidate but, dear Lord, please save us from his supporters. Especially the ones like this....

[EJ99]

With a primary struggle that is fast moving from the sublime to the ridiculous, you would begrudge us some levity? How sad!

[Sandtrapp]

Hillary Gore...Invented the internet AND saved the planet from Global Warming!!

[nmbg]

Elevando,

Your sentiment is appreciated, but Hillary Clinton has already won all of the Pulitzers for next year.