McCain Celebrates Huge Pennsylvania Win

Presumptive G.O.P. nominee John McCain appeared at a mammoth rally in Philadelphia last night to celebrate the results of the Pennsylvania primary, calling the contest "a huge victory for me and my campaign."

A jubilant Sen. McCain said that as the results poured in, "It became abundantly clear that the people of Pennsylvania want to send the Republicans back to the White House for another four years."

Overjoyed McCain supporters packed the ballroom at the Philadelphia Hyatt to help their candidate celebrate what he called "the happiest night of my life."

"My friends, tonight the people of Pennsylvania have delivered the White House to me on a silver platter," he said, his eyes glistening. "This is the best thing to happen to me since I married a beer heiress."

At a campaign rally of her own, Sen. Hillary Clinton also savored the results of the primary, declaring that she was "one step closer to getting my hands on a nuclear bomb."

Turning towards her husband, former President Bill Clinton, she said, "I hope that my having a nuclear arsenal at my command will make you think twice before you do anything foolish this time."

Blood visibly draining from the former president's face, Sen. Clinton glared at him sternly, adding, "I'm not kidding."

In an effort to clarify Sen. Clinton's remarks, aides later denied that she had threatened her husband with obliteration.

Elsewhere, Sen. Barack Obama agreed to a televised debate on CBS moderated by Katie Couric, saying, "If I make a gaffe, at least no one will be watching."

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He is the host of "Countdown to '08" at the 92nd Street Y on Tuesday, May 13 at 8 PM with his special guests Calvin Trillin (The New Yorker), Susie Essman (HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm) and Jonathan Alter (Newsweek, MSNBC). For tickets, go to 92y.org.

Comments

[PioneerKing]

McCain has nearly 30% of PA republicans against him that's priceless.

[Hope42]

Ron Paul received over 128,000 votes, or 16 percent, in the closed Republican Pennsylvania primary. Huckabee received 91423 votes.
27% of the CLOSED Republican primary did not vote for McCain. Hmmmmm, doesn't sound like much of a victory to me.
See here:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/thenation/20080423/cm_thenation/45314454
This Andy Borowitz posted an anti-Obama blog with bogus information in it just yesterday and it was removed by Huffington Post. Who is he anyway, a comedian hired by the Repubs???

[FortuneTeller]

Andy IS a comedian. Funny thing is the MSM puts so much political BS out there that it all starts to sound like comedy central is scripting the reporters. I bet some people believe that SNL is a serious news outlet (didn't hiil ary quote them as a source?) and they have knee-jerk reactions to satire. Laughter...the language of the angels. Funny piece Andy...ty.

[rovezaleeker]

Where is Vicki Iseman?

[LOL123]

"Dear Colleagues" -A Dear Colleague refers to a mass-produced letter sent by one member to all fellow members.

"Dear Colleagues" usually describe a new bill and ask for cosponsors or ask for a member's vote on an issue. - "This is not about the Democratic party anymore, but about Hillary and Bill getting into the White House again and if they should lose, they (oops sorry) she will have helped the Republicans for which she stands. No laughing matter." Thank you for your time and vote.

[TRCimino]

For those of you who think this is a bad thing, let me remind you that 92% of those polled can't name 2 of the Democratic contenders from the last race(2004), keeping in mind that 2 of them were on the final ticket! All eyes are on the Democratic party and this can't be a bad thing. To think that John McCain has any advantage over the cumulative result of this contest, which is being played out like the last weeks of "American Idol," is simply incorrect. We have taken the political process from the level of "required viewing for current events class" and turned it into "Prime-time" television. We are converting passive voters into actual participators and doing so at record levels. We are also seeing record numbers of first-time voters. This process is good and despite which of these two win the nomination, one thing is for certain: This time next year, the good Senator from Arizona will be doing Viagra commercials.

[SaskiaStars]

Hello??? Hillbots are you listening??? When will you get that the Repugs WANT to run against Hillary because they HATE her and want to tear her apart- and they KNOW that only Hillary will excite the base. Can someone please get this indisputable fact into Hillbots' heads?

[Amminadab]

Ummmmm..... the Clintons have beaten the Republicans in eight straight elections.

The Republicans have thrown the kitchen sink, knee-capped, everything.... and still the Clintons have beaten the Republicans in eight straight elections.

Republicans DON'T KNOW HOW to beat a Clinton.

[Aaror]

What he is saying is that when the name Clinton is on the ballot, all the other Democrats lose. If you want to see Clinton as president with a republican senate, house, and state legislatures and governors, by all means keep supporting her. I'm sure that will do a lot for this country.
Besides, she wouldn't go to war with Iran, right? (Please ignore her recent statement about nuking Iran).

[ZodiacPope]

The logic that the right want to run against Hillary does not make any sense to me since they don't have a stellar record when it comes to going up against the Clintons. I like both Democratic candidates and hopefully plan to move the America to be a teacher during either one of their first terms (i am Canadian). As an outsider though i have a hard time not noticing that the supporters on both sides of the argument are being kind of childish. Referring to each other as Hillbots or Obamabots or whatever is just silly. Here is what i know, Hillary is tried and tested and a liar (or at least a misleader). Obama is a fantasy writer that doesn't even write all his own work...So do you go with the person that we know is not always truthful but has a record at least to back up some of her claims or do you vote for someone with a handful of inspiring speeches that missed many votes as a state senator and many more than Hillary as a federal senator, that instead of just defending himself and his relationships (which despite what supporters seem to think) which will if the nom come back to bite him hard, avoided the topics as not important (but go to character)? My suggestion Clinton/Obama 08. Just my 2 cents which is more like 1.96 cents to you guys.

[jkb246]

Poor Katie can never win.

[josephjsalas]

What is good for Nade..er..Clinton is good for McCain. Now she has to dupe Indiana and NC into
thinking she took a shot of apple juice!

[indypete]

As usual Andy, hilarious but in a way, too true to be funny!

[gerrylong]

OBAMA"S AMMUNITION

Regarding the Bosnia lie, Hillary said she made a mistake because it was late and she was tired.

Tim Russert brought up a clip showing her telling the same lie at 3:00 in the afternoon.

Obama has to get tough, or Hillary will win. Then McCain will get tough and beat Hillary.

Obama"s new theme should be:

"IF SHE"LL LIE TO THE PEOPLE AT 3:00 P.M.,
SHOULD SHE BE ANSWERING THE WHITE HOUSE PHONE AT 3:00 A.M."

[django707]

oh, you were joking.

[MHainds]

Yes! Yes! Yes! The results were: SAD. SAD. SAD.

[MaxMarginal]

Always making me laugh...

[Javalation]

Humor, but with more than a grain of truth embedded in it.

[Obamamo]

"I'm not kidding" That was funny as hell! Thanks Andy.