The Case Against Polygamy

About two months ago, my wife and I visited and entered the fundamentalist Mormon community of Colorado Sprigs, Arizona, the very base of imprisoned leader Warren Jeffs. I had always wanted to see for myself how this community lives.

Arriving late in the afternoon, we went to the main supermarket where tens of Fundamentalist Mormons were out buying food with their families. They were understandably suspicious of these intruders and were reluctant to engage us in conversation. After a while, the manager of the store came over to us and asked, with considerable warmth, if he had found what we were looking for. He politely confessed that the community was unused to outsiders and hinted that perhaps it was time for us to continue on our journey.

I told him that I was an orthodox Jewish Rabbi, that I had, thank G-d, eight kids, that it was nice to see so many children in a community. I also told him that I had a long-standing relationship with the Mormon Church, and that I had always wanted to visit the Fundamentalist Mormons as well. He told me that if I am friendly with the official Mormon Church, then no doubt I had a negative view of their community, to which I responded that I tended to make judgments based on my own observations rather than what I had been told.

We spoke a little to some of the young mothers we met, although I could not say whether any of these women were younger than the age of consent. The people were pleasant, albeit suspicious. They lived lives bereft of any extravagance, and that was about all I could conclude in such a short visit.

A month later the Texas authorities entered the Fundamentalist Mormon conclave in Texas and removed over 400 kids whom they said were in imminent danger of abuse and under-age marriage. To the extent that any of this is true, and some of it seems to be, this is extremely troubling. No amount of love for children or marriage can ever justify underage marriage, statutory rape, or forcing a woman to marry against her will, all of not only illegal but deeply sinful. And it remains to be seen how this community will respond to these allegations which are of the most serious nature.

But ever since the Texas raid, I have also found myself on the defensive answering questions from curious friends about Judaism's approach to polygamy, with many believing that our faith allows the practice.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

The Bible makes it clear that G-d created Adam and Eve, not Adam, Eve, Cindy, and Bonnie. The ideal of monogamy is thus established at the very outset of creation. Similarly Abraham, the first Jew, has one wife, Sara, until she pushes him to take another wife since she is barren. Likewise, Isaac is completely monogamous, and Jacob intends to be so as well until he is tricked by his own father-in-law into marrying the wrong woman which will later necessitate marrying the correct woman as well.

The only real Biblical examples of men with many wives are the Jewish kings, like David and Solomon. When it came to Kings, who back in ancient times would usurp whatever women they craved, the Bible sought to impose upon Jewish rulers a respect for women. This was done by allowing them to take a woman, beyond their original wives, so long as they married them, which would thereby grant their rights, rather than simply being used and discarded. But this was a concession to a virile male nature and never an ideal to be upheld, with monogamy always being the legitimate standard to which men were directed. Later, after Biblical times, Rabbeinu Gershom took the monogamous standard and made it law, enacting an edict binding on all European Jewry outlawing polygamy forever. And that has been the Jewish norm for more than a thousand years.

There is good reason to outlaw polygamy. Marriage is the most romantic institution because it establishes the inviolate uniqueness of its participants. A woman is made to feel that she is the one and only to her husband. A husband's devotion confers upon his wife the blessings of primacy and exclusivity. But polygamy subverts that pledge, establishing not a woman's uniqueness, but her ordinariness. Her husband marries her with the express understanding that she alone will not satisfy him. He requires others. She is inadequate.

Likewise, she is forced now to compete for his affections for the rest of her life, thereby immersing in her an unnatural competition for the man who ahs already pledged himself to her. This competition also erodes the natural fraternity and universal sisterhood of women, engaged as they are, even after marriage, for the affections of the same man.

In this sense, polygamy fosters unending rivalry and leads not to peace and harmony but to altercation and strife. How can any polygamous marriage be happy when, by its very nature, it does not bring people together but drives them apart.

Marriage is the very foundation of every civilized society precisely because of its civilizing influences. Marriage takes a man and a woman who are strangers to each other, orchestrates them together into inseparable flesh, and lends children a stable and secure environment within which to be raised.

Polygamy, however, offers children a model not of security but of rivalry, not of confidence but of permanent insecurity, as the members of a single household compete to be favorites. It is a toxic environment in which men are kings and women are courtiers.

After marrying and sacrificing all for her husband, no woman should ever have to feel that she is still not good enough.

Likewise, in the Jewish religion no woman can ever be forced to marry a man who is not her choice. As the Bible makes clear in the story of Rebecca's courtship with Isaac that her family says that we must 'ask the maiden' if she wishes to follow Eliezer, the matchmaker, and marry Isaac. Only with her consent can the deed be done.

Every marriage must be based on the exercise of the human free will to transform a stranger into our one and only.

Rabbi Shmuley Boteach's national radio airs daily on 'Oprah and Friends. He is the author most recently of 'The Broken American Male and How to Fix Him.'

Comments

[Trueheart]

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/04/27/sunday/main4048476.shtml
Ben Stein's 4/27/2008 commentary: WHAT DID THE FLDS KIDS DO TO DESERVE THIS?

[DramaQueen101]

As long as the relationships within a polygamous marriage are loving and supportive and the man is able to provide financially for his wives and children, it should not matter to anyone else. To each his own.

"An it harm none, do as you will." -The Wiccan Rede

[soonerdru]

And for those of us that have ZERO interest in your bible or your God? I'm always amazed that the bible people are so certain of their truths - truths that they believe adhere to everyone, whether they want them or not. I just had a discussion in a college class with a 'biblebot' who just listened, didn't defend her reasoning and then stated 'well, I was just like you one day and then I came around.' ??? Religion is the ruination of our planet today.

[Trueheart]

But if you have zero interest in matters spiritual, why did you bother with commenting?
I don't happen to agree with the good Rabbi, but I found his perspective and experience very interesting.

[Trueheart]

Rabbi,
There are many groups within our society where arranged marriages, rather than romanc-based marriages are accepted. These monogamous marriages are based on building family strength. Sometimes they work out, sometimes they dont. When they don't, sometimes divorce is an option, and sometimes it isn't. Quite often, if a man wishes to stay within his marriage because he doesn't want to distance himself from his community, he takes a mistress. If he supports his wife and their children, as well as the mistress and her children, then that's a form of ex officio polygamy, isn't it?

Frankly, I don't care if a man and several women want to live as a family, just as long as the family is child-centered, and practices loving, nurturing care.

I have been doing a lot of studying with regard to the polygamous Mormons who have formed "renegade" communities such as the Yearning For Zion Ranch in Texas. The question of why they choose to live in such insular communities, distancing themselves from the mainstream is of interest.

Along the way, I discovered this shameful piece of American history. In 1838, the State of Missouri passed the EXTERMINATION ORDER which made it legal to kill Mormons. To hunt them down like animals. The Extermination Order of 1838 was used to justify massacres of men, women and children who were Mormon. This law was finally taken off the books in 1976. Can anyone wonder why they are suspicious of outsiders?

[BadCompany]

That sounds mild compared to the extermination of the Native Americans or the treatment of slaves from Africa.
You only seem interested in mormons and their freakiness.

[dawacu]

I could see why Native Americans and African Americans would be suspicious of outsiders too. I think Trueheart's point is still quite valid; even if it is defending a group you feel the need to dehumanize. What the FLDS did is evil, but they are still human beings.

[Trueheart]

Hmmmm could it be that BECAUSE I am descended from both Native Americans and pilgrims who were persecuted in England and France that I have a deep interest in such matters? Could it be that because of that history of persecution, my people were active in the abolition movement and the underground railroad to Canada? Hmmmmmmm.

[BadCompany]

If you say so.
That wouldn't generate such intense desire to defend mormons and their polygamous pedophilia in most people.

[wondering]

But Adam and Eve only had sons, implying that Gad (Gud? Gid?) approves of homosexuals. (And that, somehow, gays can give birth.) I know, I know, they got wives from somewhere - musta been chimps or something.

Don't you just love literal interpretations of primitive nonsense?

[blueraven]

Pesach Sameach, Rabbi.

Polygamy as it is practiced by the Fundamentalist Church of Latter-Day Saints is diseased, twisted, soaked in the worst patriarchal norms and enforced by pederasts. Multi-partner relationships are not even close to the same thing, and blurring the lines between the two is not worthy of a man of your intellect.

[Roswalien]

Why does Rabbi Boteach rate a posting on this site? His posts are generally out of left field and have little to do with anything other than trying to spread the message of Orthodox Judaism. In theory, there is nothing wrong with polygamy. Unfortunately, the fundies have violated the law (and morality) by forcing underage girls to marry much older men. That, in addition to rampant welfare abuse (by the second, third, and so on wives) have led the authorities to continually watch these people. If consenting adults (emphasis on consenting and adults) want to live an unconventional life,that should be their business. Rabbi Boteach has a very narrow view of humans, remarking in all of his posts about the inability of man to resist his compulsions and desires. In the real world, I applaud a man willing to take on more than one woman....it wouldn't be a king and his courtesans, but rather a beleagured man torn in a million directions by his many wives. Lighten up Rabbi, the real world has passed you by.

[Duscany]

There is welfare abuse at the Yearning For Zion ranch but it's not any worse (or any different) than the welfare abuse you see every day in the inner city. There are pleny of men who have six or more kids by three or four dinner women. (I just read that Ray Charles had 12 kids by 10 women), I presume Ray Charles was wealthy enough to suypporet his own kids but in most cases the father doesn't support anyone, leaving the women to go on welfare and the taxpayer to pick up the tab. If you want to condemn the Yearning For Zion ranch for welfare fraud, I say, well fine. I'm with you all the way. Just don't forget to also condemn the much larger welfare fraud that goes elsewhere every day of the year.

[Roswalien]

In reality, I'm not condemning them for welfare fraud at all, even though welfare fraud is a huge problem. My posting was actually meant to say that if a group wants to retreat and live their particular way of life, they need to be mindful of the law. The authorities have no interest in persecuting polygamists as long as the polygamists don't violate the law.

[hoopesaz]

"Why does Rabbi Boteach rate a posting on this site?". So, unless it is liberal advocacy, you don't want to hear about it?

There's very little I agree with in the entire Huffpo site. But, I read it religiously. How can I ever be sure that I am making the right decisions if I'm only hearing half of the argument...that's my belief. I think we all benefit from hearing the opinions of those with whom we disagree.

[Serfie]

I love how the dear rabbi spins the Bible to fit within his own personal value system.

If the Bible forbids polygamy, there would have been outright prohibition of it There is no biblical prohibition of it. The Bible is pretty clear cut on positive and negative mitzvot between the sexes.

And your bit about Rabbi Gershom outlawing polygamy is a little bit misleading, probably intentionally, of course; the truth is that the rabbi outlawed polygamy only in Eastern Europe, and not from a biblical injunction, but as a reaction to what the Christians were doing.

Sephardic Jews and others continued to practice polygamy long after Rabbi Gershom's ruling.

Even when you take the bible or 1000 year old rabbinical rulings.out of the picture, you can't make a moral, biological or ethical case against polygamy.

[JohnFromCensornati]

This post really should have been titled "The Orthodox Jewish Case Against Polygamy", because the god of the fundamentalist mormons apparently disagrees with the god of the orthodox jews.

[Lon]

But the case made above is not limited to the claims of what God wants. The reasons for those moral principles are also given. It does not help the anti-religious case to pretend that religious people are not making arguments when they are.

[AJinCamden]

That's G-d, John.