What to Say to Your Annoying Relatives About the Strike

Justifying your Hollywood career to your family has never been easy, from the niece who quizzes you about the celebrities you've met (unless the answer is one of the High School Musical eunuchs, you flunk) to the blow-hard uncle who couldn't even make it through a single episode of your show (not his cup of tea, because he doesn't like tea that tastes like shit), to the cousin who sniffs over his vegan quinoa pilaf about how corporate consumerist media is gluten in America's gut. But now that you're on strike, well, you're kind of obligated to explain things, aren't you? Somehow, your fluffy lark of a profession has become political. You need to have a position. So here are some talking points for the Thanksgiving table press conference.

Your cousin who has always known that he's funnier than you is going to start things off with the following question:

WHY AREN'T THE PICKET SIGNS MORE CLEVER? I MEAN, YOU'RE WRITERS!

Laugh. I know it kills you, but laugh at this as though it were the first time you've heard it. Never mind that Jamie Lee Curtis, of all people, has already limped this horse out of the barn. Instead, in even tones, tell him that the strike is a serious thing; people's livelihoods are on the line, and, while there are a few strikers trying out jokes, most writers feel that this is not the time to be cute. A good writer is succinct, and two words get the job done: "On," and "Strike."

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? WE'RE AT WAR, PEOPLE ARE DYING, YOUR BROTHER JUST GOT HIS PhD. WHO CARES?

Shrug. Just a shrug. Let the shrug say, "I don't control what's in the news cycle." Then tell them why you care about the strike and why you think everybody else should care. Explain that this is ultimately about all the issues of labor versus management -- pension, health care, collective bargaining and respect. Let them know that if the WGA falls, all other unions in town will be next. Of course, Uncle Red Face is going to want to jump in here with an anti-union tirade. Don't engage him. You can't change his mind about unions, but you might win a little respect by showing him that, as it turns out, and much to the Mega Corps' surprise, writers are not pussies. Writers, after all, are used to having hundreds of people trying to take their jobs, to being out of work, to fighting for their ideas. And for once in most writers' careers there is something important to be said.

Also, don't hesitate to let Uncle Red Face know that you are pissed off. Anger is his language. Every time a new media outlet has come along, writers have given the Conglomerates a break -- on home video, on cable, on Fox Network, on DVD's. Writers never got the promised reach around. The Conglominations made dumpsters of cash; writers got pennies. So you're a little pissed about that and not in the mood to roll-over and give them a free pass on what is clearly going to be the future of all media: New Media. Why We Fight

Now, your brother, who is an Internet expert because he spends a lot of time Googling himself, will shoot this one your way:

NOBODY MAKES MONEY ON THE INTERNET. WHY SHOULD YOU?

Tell him that you're only asking for a percentage, so if nobody makes money, you don't make money. But suppose somebody does make money using your work, then, under the WGA's proposed plan, somebody will get 97 percent and you will get 2.5 percent. Seems like a good deal for somebody.

Now, Uncle Red Face has caught up with the conversation and he's going to say something like:

IF A PLUMBER FIXES MY TOILET, I DON'T PAY HIM EVERY TIME I FLUSH.

Ah, the old residuals argument. Several ways you could go on this one (besides pointing out that every time Uncle flushes, everybody pays). You could try to explain how intellectual property has been one of the driving forces of American ingenuity. But, perhaps the best response is this: if you have a problem with intellectual property, why don't you take it up with the Monster Corporations who get over 90 percent of the benefit. Why pick on the people who only want a slim piece of the pie that they bake? You could also whip out your iPhone and load this concise and funny explication of residuals: ("They're not bonuses.")

But, of course, now that you're upstaging the turkey with your iPhone, Mom weighs in with a smile:

ADMIT IT, HONEY, YOU'RE JUST BEING GREEDY.

Keep it on you. Let them know that you personally are not being greedy at all. Let them know that this strike is going to cost you more money than you could ever recoup, no matter how sweet a deal the WGA makes. You're doing this on principle, you're doing this for the middle class writers who can't make their own deals with the Megagloms. And you are doing it because writers in the past went on strike to get you pension and health.

Now that you're on the topic of money, expect Aunt Stringy Hair to pose the following:

BUT WHY DO WRITERS GET PAID SO MUCH, WHEN DOG RESCUERS GET PAID SO LITTLE?

Smile. You know the real question here is "Why don't I get paid more?" And you can't answer that one for her. But here are a few points to bring up. First, writers don't actually make that much, not when you look at the median and take into account that a few writers make hundreds of millions while most writers have short and sporadic careers. Next, you should point out that it's a risky business. It takes an investment of years to get into the field and seconds to fall out. Unless we want screenwriting to be the profession of rich dilettantes, hermits and other maniacs who are unable to sustain relationships (and are thus unable to write stories about real relationships), the pay must give aspiring writers a reasonable expectation of living a fairly stable life. Remember, the money comes from the value writers create. It's not charity; it's just fair.

And now comes the question you've been dreading, the real question that has been on everybody's mind. Finally, thanks to the frikking strike, they can ask it out in the open:

WHY DOES SO MUCH OF THE WRITING SUCK?

Okay, first of all, don't take it personally. They may be talking generally and not just about your work. And it's important not to whine as you say this. Keep it neutral when you say, "Because it isn't easy." A script has to meet the demands of an industry, overcome a long line of executives, play to the strengths and weaknesses of the actors, and then captivate not just a thin piece of the NPR audience, not just the HBO set, but millions of Americans who have hundreds of other entertainment options. Okay, they're half on-board now, but still not convinced. Next point out that, believe it or not, writers don't decide what gets made. It's the executives who make that call, and any one of them makes more money upon being fired than all the writers are requesting. Now, while they ponder corporate greed, hit them with the aesthetic argument. Explain to them that the writing isn't actually as bad as they think. There are, despite the incredible odds, plenty of good TV shows and movies. The shows of yore just seem better because we romanticize them and don't remember all the drek that surrounded them. We remember the Mozarts, not the Schmendricks.

At any rate, if they don't like the quality of what they get from the mass media, the answer certainly isn't to allow the Giagantarations to deny financial participation to writers. Writers have varying control over the quality of the shows they write. If writers lose residuals, they lose any shred of creative control, because money equals control in this and most other towns, because if writers don't own what they write, they are just hired guns and are thus even less likely to be heard when they say things like, "That's not how it's supposed to end," or "I don't want the thing my main character drinks in that scene to be digitally altered with every re-run to be now Coke, now Sprite, now Absolut." No, Hollywood writers may not be the best stewards of our culture, but they are at least creative people; they do, at least, want to do good work and do really care about what you create. Corporations only want to maximize their profits.

Now it's time to conclude the conference. Stop taking questions. If you need a smoke screen, tell your niece that you once saw Miley Cyrus at the Grove. Her squeals will turn everybody's head toward the pumpkin pie.

Happy Thanskgiving.

Read more about the strike on the Huffington Post's writers' strike page.

Comments

[frank67]

Without writers there are no shows. Producers cant't write. executives can't write. Hence, no shows, only reruns. Good! Solidarity! Writers of the world, unite!

[prettyinthecity]

Fabulous.

(A good writer is succinct.)

[algoa456]

This may come as a terrible shock, but most people outside the litterati and chattering classes don't really care. They have their own employment challenges.
Sure people have a passing sympathy - everyone deserves to get rewarded for their effort (though there are few jobs where you get royalties for prior efforts).
Look on the bright side - it is relatively difficult to outsource your jobs since most Asians are not well qualifieds to write for Hollywood and TV.
Not so for the rest of us as we see our jobs going off shore daily.

[thunderboltfan]

Maybe frustrated viewers will start paying attention to what really matters during the strike: weakened economy, corrupt government energy policy, war without end, presidential campaign, etc.

Yeah, I'm holding my breath for that.

As much as I support the writers in principle, I can't say I do in practice. Commercial TV and Hollywood lost me long ago.

Good luck.

[wrabbitt]

Every show that is on TV has to have a story line that is strong enough to stick in the viewers mind thru 5 minutes of car commercials, pain medication commercials,Up and coming shows, whats on the news at 11 and,bulletins about Paris,Brittany, and OJ what was i saying? oh,yea strong story lines or lack of most people i know change the channel, when a commercial comes on even tho there is commercials on every channel at once. I remember when we had 3 channels,A­BC,CBS,and Nbc and no remote! Were the shows better or were we hypnotized by the brilliance,or baffled by the bull.

[notnuffsaid]

Actually I've seen some very clever (and to the point) strike signs: "EVERYBODY! PENCILS DOWN" Then there was "ENJOY THE RERUNS" except it was repeated down the length of the sign. How about "A MUPPET WITHOUT A WRITER IS JUST A SOCK"? And then there was the SAG actor carrying a sign that was covered with "I...UH, UH... I MEAN, UH... UH, YOU KNOW, I.... I UH...UH. GEE, I.... UH (get the point?)
And finally my favorite chant: "WHAT DO WE WANT? RESIDUALS! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM? LATER!

[edayres]

I'm really sick of these people who compare writing to plumbing, electrical work, etc., and how these workers do not receive anything other than the fee they charge. That's nonsense. Workers receive 401K contributions, health care benefits, holiday pay, vacation pay and all sorts of things in addition to their fees. Writers are the reason there is something to make a movie or a television show about. If a plumber had designed a new toilet flushing system he would want a piece of the action wouldn't he? I think these people, and my guess is they are not really blue collar workers, who make the argument about blue collar workers being paid only for their work are just jealous that they cannot do what these writers do. Why is OK for big corporations to own intellectual property rights and make money in perpetuity but not the people who actually create the ideas? I know it's hard for some people to get that ideas are a marketable product.

Good writing is clear and succinct so here's my suggested response to the red-faced uncle at Thanksgiving dinner. Blow me!

[Synoia]

Sorry, port = porn

[Synoia]

NOBODY MAKES MONEY ON THE INTERNET. WHY SHOULD YOU?


Really? All those port sites don't make money?

[LiarLiarIraqsOnFire]

Most of my family is Union employed, the rest wish they were.

In Solidarity!

[yooper2]

Go writers!! fair is fair! Hang in there! Can't write a lick myself so appreciate those who can!

[SeaBlood]

You certainly deserve more money for your work if your post is any indication--- witty, clear, succinct, it got the point out, while convincing me to read the whole piece even though I am bombarded by internet reading material.

[PerryWhite]

You should give thanks for the income from the Huffington Post that tides you over during the strike.

[BinBaldwin]

I wish I could get paid for work I did in 1989. How wonderful would that be? Imagine paving a street and getting paid each day it is used for the next 20 years.

When I pay a decorator to design my living room I pay her once. It remains MY LIVING room. She doesn't get paid every time I allow company to enjoy it.

[AMolinaro]

I live 3500 miles from Hollywood, and let me tell you that NO ONE is buying into the propaganda sold by the studios in regards to this strike. Even my most staunchly Republican relatives (don't judge me, we've all got Republican relatives) thinks the studios should just pay the writers for their work and be done with it. The Megagloms (I pick this out of your many terms for the industry, as it has the most guttural sound) have lost the trust of the vast majority of America, and the masses aren't buying their storylines any longer.

Meanwhile, you and your fellow writers, being creative sorts, need to get together and figure out how to get paid for writing without the studios being involved. Show them who needs whom in this relationship.