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Abbie Rumbach
Abbie Rumbach is a full-time mom and a sometimes writer. She is a former beauty pageant contestant, can play the trumpet and bakes a great banana bread. She also enjoys red wine by the bottle and tabloids by the dozen. She frequently hauls her three screaming children through the ever-crowded aisles at Walmart and then blogs about it at The Kids Made Me Fat.

Entries by Abbie Rumbach

Strep Throat. Ninja Style.

(0) Comments | Posted January 20, 2015 | 3:09 PM

Jack turned 4 years old on a Tuesday and on a Saturday, we hosted a birthday party -- ninja style.

We all wore Ninja Turtle Masks, beat to death a Ninja Turtle piñata and then ate Ninja Turtle birthday cake. Jack was so excited about the birthday cake that...

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The Day I Broke My Son's Heart

(32) Comments | Posted November 6, 2013 | 2:26 PM

I crushed him. I broke his tiny hero heart. I went too far. I yelled too loudly. I yelled one too many times. My patience was pushed to its breaking point and I broke him. His eyes spilled with tears and his head hung defeated.

Jack is energy. Jack...

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Sharking Her Pants

(2) Comments | Posted June 7, 2013 | 4:47 PM

My poor kid's breath stunk. Like really stunk -- like made my toes curl gagging stank-ass stunk. The putrid smell coupled with her nausea and sore throat brought forth a diagnosis that any seasoned mother could make on her own, yet I had to make a trip to the pediatrician's...

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High Hopes

(14) Comments | Posted May 19, 2013 | 9:49 AM

A lot of scary, awful sh*t goes down in our minivan. There's yelling, there's arguing, there are sippy cups being thrown and oh, the complaining. It's too hot, too cold, we're never going to get there, my seat belt's too tight, the van smells bad... the list goes on and...

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The Elf Went for a Drink

(0) Comments | Posted December 4, 2012 | 3:26 PM

The Elf on the Shelf is one of those genius ideas that makes me want to slap myself for not thinking of it first.

Not familiar with the Elf on the Shelf? Here's the idea: The elf is purchased with a book that explains to children that the elf...

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Okay With Being Done

(2) Comments | Posted October 17, 2012 | 6:13 PM


Nearly every desperate and completely unoriginal parent (I include myself among them) teaches their children the lesson about jumping off the bridge. You know the story -- the one where if all your friends jump off the bridge, you shouldn't follow. There are a lot of...

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Be You

(8) Comments | Posted October 9, 2012 | 5:54 PM

Last year, Hadley was apprehensive about starting kindergarten, and by apprehensive I mean she spent hours and hours sobbing in the days leading up to the first day of school. My efforts to console and calm her were met with no success, so I decided I'd have to bribe her...

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McNuggets of Wisdom for New Moms

(1) Comments | Posted September 7, 2012 | 2:17 PM

I reluctantly grabbed the fat jeans out of the back of my closet. Any girl who's ever been overweight knows to NEVER throw out the fat clothes. Its a slippery slope to skinny, and discarding clothes you've outgrown is just tempting the fat gods to slather you with their lard...

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First Grade and My First Tears

(6) Comments | Posted August 24, 2012 | 12:11 PM

I'm not particularly sentimental regarding my children's milestones. I never have been. Watching them grow and achieve is awesome and very rewarding, but it has always failed to trigger my tear button.

I thought maybe I was weird. Why wasn't I crying with the other moms on the first...

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The Humbling of a Breastfeeding Snob

(57) Comments | Posted August 1, 2012 | 12:23 PM

I was never very good at pregnancy. Sure, I guess it all turned out all right. The pregnancies always achieved the desired results -- a baby. But, I never really felt at home housing a child. My own mother claims that she always loved being pregnant -- that she never...

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