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If Job Interviews Were Honest

05/22/2013 05:11 pm ET | Updated Jul 22, 2013
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Scene: Job interview at Hypothetical Honesty Office & Co.

Important Company Person: Hello! Thank you for coming in for this interview today. Your resume is quite impressive.

Applicant: Thank you for inviting me! No one is posting jobs that I'm qualified for, so my resume is a complete work of fiction that highlights my creative writing and improvisational skills.

ICP: Indeed! Now let's get down to business. We want someone who is willing to work hard for a small amount of money so that the higher-ups can work less and make a fortune. We could hire anyone we wanted to come in and do this generic office position, but we want someone with practical skills, so I'm going to ask you a few important questions. Ready?

A: Does this involve a drug test?

ICP: No.

A: Then yes, let's begin.

ICP: You have CEO listed on your resume. Can you explain what those duties entailed?

A: Well, CEO means "Cleaner of External Objects" to me. And as CEO, I always replace the empty roll of paper towel in the kitchen or bathroom, as I know that's a hard skill to master. I also place my dirty coffee cup IN the sink and then wash it instead of placing it NEXT to the sink and leaving it for an imaginary maid.

And at my last job, I had to fix the running toilet in the office bathroom. Does that make me a hero? Not for me to say -- but probably.

ICP:
Impressive and noted -- with a smiley face! Now it's a proven fact that the first 10 minutes of any conference call are spent watching people try and figure out how to set up the conference call. How do you deal with a) phones and b) meetings.

A: I'm more terrified of a ringing phone than I am of a fire alarm, so I let all calls go directly to a voicemail that I never check. And any invitations to attend a webinar or meeting longer than an hour will result in me decoupaging a flask for my desk or faking my death.

ICP: Look at you, Martha Stewart with your crafts! Next question. The other day I yelled, "Don't you know who I am?" at the printer. Apparently it does, which would be why it jammed. How would handle that scenario?

A: I would do a little karate yell while trying to unjam said copy machine. Not sure it would help, but I'm feeling pretty confident it would.

ICP: Confidence is key. We want our employees to be as assertive as the Adobe Acrobat update reminders.

A: And there was one time I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and then "Eye of the Tiger" popped into my head. Long story short, I weaponized my stapler.

ICP: Random, but impressive, as I often use music to soothe me as well. When a pen runs out, I like to sing "Circle of Life" ceremoniously before placing it gently in the trash. We live in crazy times, don't we? Speaking of crazy, how do you deal with coworker interaction?

A: Well, my 30s have been less about "finding myself" and more about "finding ways to avoid awkward chit-chat." So every Monday I would handle general "How was your weekend?" inquiries by making flashcards stating: "Weekend was great!" "Weather is wonderful!" "Can't believe it's Monday!" It would cut down on talking by 25 percent.

ICP: Brilliant! I love that idea! It would not only increase productivity and profits, but also reduce stress. Of course you know I will claim it as my own and never give you the credit.

A: Understood. I will also passive aggressively update my Facebook status with a vague reference to that fact.

ICP: I wouldn't expect anything less! Welcome aboard.