02/17/2014 04:23 pm ET Updated Apr 19, 2014

Presidents Day?

It's Presidents Day! The day we celebrate our founding fathers the way they would've wanted -- by giving 10 percent off all appliances $397 or more at Home Depot.


After all, it's what they fought for. That asshole King George III would've charged us full price. But is that what Presidents Day is all about? Mattress sales? Or is it about people like Millard Fillmore, whoever the hell that is?

It turns out, Presidents Day is pretty complicated.

First off, the name alone is confusing. Is it President's Day? Presidents Day? Or Presidents' Day? Everyone spells it differently. Where does the apostrophe go? Well, if you go by the legal name of the holiday, the apostrophe goes after the "n" in "Washington's Birthday."

There, now you know everything there is to know about Presidents Day.

What's that? If the legal name is Washington's Birthday, why do people call it Presidents Day? Good question. I mean, it's not like we call Columbus Day "Explorer's Day" or "Why Does Our Country Celebrate an Enslaving, Raping, Genocidal, Accidental Explorer When He Never Set Foot on North American Soil and Has Nothing to do With Our Country Day," do we?

Well, it's because "Washington's Birthday" used to take place on February 22, his actual birthday, for almost 100 years. Then, in 1971, the holiday moved to the third Monday of February, because of the Uniform Monday Holiday Act, which was designed to increase the number of three-day weekends, by moving holidays to Mondays.

But like most things Congress-related, they didn't do a good job at the whole "uniform Monday" thing, since there are 11 federal holidays, and more than half of them aren't on Mondays. Which isn't exactly uniform.

Regardless, Washington's Birthday was moved, and since Lincoln's birthday is the 12th of February, and now the holiday falls between the two, people started calling it President's Day instead. Or Presidents Day. Or Presidents' Day.

But you know who else was born in February? Ronald Reagan. Why not get him in on this also? Come on, let's win one for the Gipper at a Presidents Day sale!

Or how about William Henry Harrison, who was born February 9, just a short time before Lincoln? If it's one thing William Henry Harrison knows, it's short times, am I right? He was only president for 32 days! Boom! President joke on Presidents Day!

Okay, now it makes sense. Everyone calls the third Monday in February Presidents Day because of Washington and Lincoln. You think you got it now?

Well, you're wrong, so stop being so cocky.

Alabama commemorates Washington and Jefferson's birthdays. Even though Jefferson was born in April.

Arkansas celebrates Washington's birthday and the state holiday of Daisy Bates Day, and New Mexico does recognize Lincoln, but they celebrate Presidents Day on the Friday after Thanksgiving. Which I'm assuming is the day Lincoln hunted vampires.

Then again, New Mexico has a drug problem, so maybe that blue meth has them confused as to when the rest of the country celebrates it.

So, there you go. I cleared up this complicated holiday, and answered all of your questions. Except for whoever Millard Fillmore is. But judging by his name, he's either a duck, or a porn star. Or a famous duck porn star. You'll have to Google it yourselves and let me know in the comments.

Oh, and if he is a famous duck porn star, please post a video.