Good morning and welcome to our Fall Cappuccino Pledge Drive. Do you realize that for a very small investment - just a few dollars a day - you can do your part and make it possible for us to continue to deliver delicious, frothy, cappuccinos every morning?
If you're concerned, like we are, about dismissals made without a full airing of the facts, rest assured that when you've got a perfectly-prepared cappuccino in your hand, you're not afraid of anyone who walks onto to an aircraft. That alone is worth your support.
And just compare for a moment how much money you burn through every day - without really thinking about it - on things that don't really matter. Those few dollars you put away for your kids' college education? Give us a break, that's not going to mean squat when they're ready to go. And besides, have you seen the recent research that shows a college education seldom if ever pays for itself?
But as for the electric joy you get from that spurt of caffeine - well, that's something that pays for itself, over and over again. You know that and we know that.
In fact, for just the price of your morning newspaper - which, as we all recognize, is a near-bankrupt, sorry parade of the same-old political corruption and corporate mendacity - a hot, freshly-brewed cappuccino can brighten any morning.
And for those times when - as we like to say here during cappuccino fund-raising time - you're really dragging your ass, well then you really appreciate the extraordinary lifestyle difference a cappuccino can make.
For example, like many of us, you might require a cappuccino to overcome those self-destructive activities of the night before.
Say that you had a fight with your girlfriend because you got drunk on all the cruelty-free wine you had at that vegan restaurant, and you need the fog-beating, heart-leaping flood of morning animation that only a cappuccino can provide.
Your cappuccino will be there for you, as reliably as the way an out-sourced defense contractor in Kandahar Province uses his copy of the Army's Rules of Engagement to paper train the dog he's stolen from the son of tribal elder.
I mean, isn't cappuccino comfort more important than texting a contribution to the Red Cross for flood relief in Pakistan, or for that "emerging" cholera epidemic in Haiti? Let's be honest - those contributions get stolen by thieving bureaucrats before they even get to the victims. But there are no layers of grafting officials, no so-called "peacemakers" who stand between you and that non-fat, extra-foam hazelnut mocha cappuccino.
And let's be honest with each other. Your cappuccino gets no commercial or government support whatsoever. It's entirely up to you to fund the programs that your cappuccino brings you every day. Powerful, informative and enlightening broadcasts like "Triple Shot" - featuring guests so jittery they've failed to complete a sentence in the ten remarkable years it's been on the air.
We all know that these are tough economic times, which is why it's more important than ever for you to make cappuccino a part of your daily routine. Without the focus and alertness that cappuccino provides, it's likely a right-sizing consultant will show up in your office, seize your Aeron chair, and soon you'll be enjoying your cappuccinos alone while watching "The View" and fantasizing about whether or not you can get over Elizabeth Haselbach's politics.
Don't let that happen to you. And don't be one of those people who expect OTHERS to pay for the benefits of their cappuccinos.
What's more, we have a special matching grant for you this morning from the Estelle and Arthur Foamy Future Foundation.
Indulge your self-gratification instinct today, and the Triple F will buy you a free cappuccino tomorrow - plus you'll get a free solar-powered coffee grinder, because we know that many of you are moving off the grid, to Red Hook.
If you're feeling especially generous, a contribution of just $1,000 will gain you admittance to our "Cappuccino Corner." For less than the cost of your mom's home health care aids, or your dad's dialysis, or your kids' piano lessons, you can not only make sure you never go without your morning cappuccino, but you'll also be invited to special events with others who - like you - know just where their priorities are.