With the chair of the House Judiciary Committee recently turning off the microphones of those who disagreed with him on the Patriot Act, and the White House rewriting reports on global warming that didn’t conform with their pro-corporate views, the question has come up “Are some of us not comfortable maybe being wrong?”
For centuries the magazine Cosmopolitan has used the quiz or survey as a way to reduce complex emotional and sociopolitical issues into numeric scores or categorical diagnosis like “You need a Vacation!” or “Time to find a new hairdresser and a new husband!” The good news is that it has worked. With no qualifiers or blowback, Cosmo has fixed the human race. So I thought I’d employ the same method to find out how close-minded we are as individuals.
Now I myself often throw up slightly in my mouth every time Donald Rumsfeld is on the TV. Or I’ll be playing with a pencil only to find I’ve snapped it in half after reading a quote from George W about how well the war in Iraq is going or how great it is that we have no more functioning regulatory arm in the government for anything.
I’ve also seen some pretty, shall we say, “secure” behavior from the corporate and religious right. Statements like “Nixon’s one of the best presidents we’ve ever had. And that’s a fact,” or, “If you don’t shut your lefty mouth, I’m gonna hit you,” strike ever so gently the chords of an overly certain mind.
So, in the spirit of creating a healthier nation, let's give ourselves the Cosmo quiz to find out whether we’re pleasing our partner or not (and by partner I mean the part of our brain that is supposed to be in touch with reality regardless of whether or not it’s how you want it to be). Keep score of your answers with a pencil and feel free to break this quiz out for fun at a party or a hunting trip or on the floor of the House.
1. If someone disagrees with you about a world view or public policy you….
A. Thank the Founding Fathers that we live in a nation where we can disagree openly without fearing jail time or blacklisting. You then calmly consider the opposing point of view being presented to you.
B. Call him fat.
C. Tell your friend to go blow Michael Moore and while he’s at it buy some crack with his welfare checks.
D. Shoot him.
2. If a President you supported were to start a war based on false reason, be that war an invasion of Serbia, Iraq or LEGOLAND, you would:
A. Demand a Congressional investigation and, probably, criminal proceedings. People are dying, for God’s sakes.
B. Support him no matter what because either that country had it coming and/or it was just a blow job.
C. Find other reasons for the war after the fact and then buy music by Toby Keith putting those reasons to song.
D. Put a “Power of Pride” sticker on your car and call it a day.
3. If God almighty came to you and told you that you were on that wrong path and that love and compassion were his real message, not judgment and war, you would:
A. Have a huge religious awakening, right your ways and devote your life to peace and helping others no matter their beliefs or sexual orientations.
B. Go back to sleep and remember never to eat pepperoni calzone past eleven again.
C. Move from the Upper East Side to the Upper West Side because that’s the biggest life change there is.
D. Find out who that hippy was who broke into your bedroom and have him arrested and then “interrogated” in Syria or another Geneva Convention-lite nation.
4. If your child came to you and said, “Father or Mother, I don’t agree with your world view at all,” you would…
A. Remember that sometimes great wisdom can come from a small child and seriously look at the validity of your beliefs.
B. Smack that kid up side the head as hard as you legally can.
C. Get a new TV for the house that only broadcasts old reruns of SWAT and Fear Factor so that damn kid can starting “getting his mind right.”
D. Have your kid get a DNA test because “I’ve always thought he had Bill Maher’s (or Joe Scarborough’s) eyes.”
5. If your best friend or most respected peer came to you and said “I’ve been a fool. Our pride and failure to hear the real facts has led us to support madmen and power mongers.” You would…
A. Say, oh my God. I’ve respected this person for years. I should at least hear him out and consider his side.
B. Pass gas and say, “This is what you sound like.”
C. Try to get him to have brain surgery so they can find the chip Michael Moore put in his head.
D. Shoot him, but with a tranquilizer dart. Then shave his head and write “I’m a flip flopper!” on his ass with a permanent marker.
6.If a neutral and bipartisan government agency came out with statistics or facts that contradicted your view of the environment you would:
A. Have to at least listen. What possible reason would these people have to lie if they’re not appointed or elected?
B. Get in your Hummer and scarf down some baby seal burgers on your way to “Who Gives a Shit-ville.”
C. Watch the movie Lone Wolf McQuad starring Chuck Norris, because even though you just had some heavy info laid on you, “be ye right or left, there’s never a bad time to scope some Norris.”
D. Call your friends at the White House and have them “clarify” some of the language in the documents. What air problem?
E. Shoot a tree.
7. The following is separated into Democrat and Republican. Answer according to your affiliation or closest affiliation.
I. If you are a Democrat, the statement “McCain, Powell and Eisenhower are right wing leaders who I respect or have respected despite our differences” makes you feel…
A. Like there is hope for this nation because so long as there is one good person who is not quiet there is the possibility of true democracy.
B. Like you just ate a cat litter burrito.
II. As a Republican the statement “Even though I’m right wing I have to admit Barak Obama, John F. Kennedy and Wesley Clark are or were good leaders with good intentions” makes you feel…
A. Like maybe I am too harsh on those that disagree with me. There are many on the left who have done good for this nation.
B. Like I just was forced to make out with Al Franken at gun point.
CHECK YOUR SCORE
Each A is worth 10 points.
Each B is worth 2 points
Each C is worth 1 point
Each D is worth minus ten points.
70 points: Why are you in America? Clearly you missed your flight connection to Tibet or got so high you think you’re in Amsterdam rather than Denver.
50 to 60 points: You have your good days and your bad days. Kind of like Howard Dean.
10 to 50 points: Hello fellow citizen. Welcome to the mess that is 2005 America.
Zero to 10 points: Thank you for taking this quiz, Anne Coulter.
Minus Seventy to zero: You are a dangerous psychopath. You should immediately get your own talk show on FOX or MSNBC.