06/17/2005 10:42 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Those Radical, Rogue Medical Examiners

I have had enough of those radical medical examiners and their lefty autopsy reports. What gives them the right to set the agenda? On Wednesday, Pinellas County medical examiner Jon Thogmartin decided completely and separate from the will of the people, to dispute a videotaped diagnosis from Dr. Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist that Terry Schiavo was able to see.

Rogue Examiners like Thogmartin are a danger to true democracy in our country. And their fancypants and elitist medical science wonk talk threatens to bring us all down. As a Doctor and an elected official Ph.D. Bill Frist has double the right to make his VHS aided medical pronouncements. He is a ruler and a healer. What the hell is Thogmartin? A geek and a liberal.

Now I'm no scientist but from what I understand the head has a lot of gunk in it and some of that gunk makes the eyes see good. Once again, I have no medical background whatsoever but I think this gunk is radioactive. Dr. Frist, due to his Doctor skills was able to see on the video tape that this gunk was not broken. The same way I saw on my video player that Russell Crowe killed that tiger in the Coliseum so the evil guy with the harelip wouldn't get his lady. Video is good like that. End of story, right?

Guess again.

Enter Thogmartin, driven by who knows what kind of personal ambition or snotty Ivy league disingenuity, who then decided to play politics by publishing his "medical autopsy report." Thogmartin claims the science behind his report is beyond question and is a matter of logic and the empirical method. Is this guy a typical lefty or what? We all know that statistics can be bent to reflect any point of view and the same goes for medical reports and chemistry and math.

I call on Congress not only to take control of the radical left judiciary, public television stations and climatologists but also to reign in the liberal activist Medical Examiners that plague our nation. And while we are at it, and we most certainly will be "at it," the right wing should take a look at these unpredictable and sometimes downright anarchic meteorologists. Why was it that it was partly cloudy last week when Dick Cheaney went outside for his weekly "ten seconds of sun?"

I also call for the Congress to hold hearings on modern mathematics. I've never been comfortable with the whole Calculus thing and the idea of "fluid rates." A rate should be constant and any true Christian American knows this.

Now if you'll excuse me I have a weird cough that started after I got a job near the incinerator. Don't worry. I'm going to videotape my chest and mail the tape to Dr. Majority Leader Frist. That should take care of it.