iOS app Android app

Aemilia Scott

Entries by Aemilia Scott

Money Can't Buy Me Gov

(20) Comments | Posted November 7, 2012 | 4:02 AM

The biggest loser of this election isn't Mitt Romney. It isn't Paul Ryan, or Todd Aiken, or evangelical Christians. It's Karl Rove. Sheldon Adelson. The Koch Brothers. The people who tried and failed to use money to deliver themselves the election. American Crossroads and Americans For Prosperity attempted a coup...

Read Post

In Video Veritas

(3) Comments | Posted September 24, 2012 | 6:05 PM

I've got it. Mitt Romney really wants to be the President. He just doesn't want to be your President. Unless "you" are a person who is currently sitting inside a G6. He said the following thing at a fundraiser:

All right -- there are 47 percent who are...
Read Post

Let's Just Say It: Progressives Are Right

(13) Comments | Posted August 22, 2012 | 3:30 PM

I'm just going to say it. Progressives are right. They are. No more discussion. The left is the correct choice.

I really love to maintain objectivity in all circumstances. I am not a kook. I'm the last person you'll find out on the street trying to push into your hand...

Read Post

It's Not the Deficit, Stupid

(0) Comments | Posted August 1, 2011 | 3:05 PM

When James Carville wrote the phrase "the economy, stupid," he didn't actually mean the economy, capital E. He meant jobs, and gas prices, and bread prices, and mortgage rates, and all of the other sad and boring things adults think about. In actuality, people don't give a single, solitary shit...

Read Post

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Full-Body Scan.

(0) Comments | Posted November 28, 2010 | 12:42 AM

In the media pile-on over the TSA's new scanning procedures, the loudest voice has been the one crying foul over personal exposure through imaging and human contact. We've heard from the security hawks, the first amendment hawks, the radiation hawks, but it's the modesty hawks who seem most confident. There...

Read Post

Your Conservative Friend Is Actually a Big Pinko. Or: How We Got Out of the Great Depression.

(0) Comments | Posted October 10, 2010 | 6:49 PM

If our Great American Recession were an illness, Republicans and Democrats would be arguing about whether to starve it or feed it. In the service of either argument historians and pundits love to bring up the Great Depression, and America's economy in the years afterward, as evidence for or against...

Read Post

DEATH-PAC Takes on Blue Cross in Chicago (VIDEO)

(0) Comments | Posted September 23, 2009 | 10:17 AM


Tuesday was a great day for corporate profit.

My satirical Political Action Committee, DEATH-PAC, today successfully defended Blue Cross / Blue Shield -- that tiny, innocent little ma and pa shop -- from the demonic populist horde whose name is

We set up a self care...

Read Post

9/12 Health Care Protest In Chicago (PICTURES)

(1) Comments | Posted September 12, 2009 | 5:11 PM

As the poet said, you have to fight crazy with crazy.

That's why I created DEATH-PAC (Dying and Enfeebled Against Total Healthcare PAC), a nonprofit organization dedicated to protecting the rights of for-profit organizations.

Today we attended the anti-healthcare rally in Chicago's Millenium Park. Here are some of the...

Read Post

Health Care Town Hall in Chicago -- Let them Speak!

(3) Comments | Posted September 1, 2009 | 4:18 PM

I attended Jan Schakowsky's Town Hall in Skokie, Illinois yesterday. All the anti-healthcare reform people want is for you to let them speak! Okay, we'll let them speak.

On behalf of my Political Action Committe, DEATH-PAC (Dying and Enfeebled Against Total Healthcare), I came to the center of the...

Read Post

Obama as the Joker? Holy Dumbass, Batman!

(10) Comments | Posted August 20, 2009 | 6:03 PM

These Obama-as-Joker posters, the ones with the word "socialism" in all its lowercase glory along the bottom, are really beginning to wrinkle my undies.

As a comedian, my first instinct is to destroy these hecklers using their own low-hanging fruit: namely, the use of the word Socialism with...

Read Post

Don't Hate Whole Foods Because of Health Care...

(11) Comments | Posted August 18, 2009 | 4:06 AM

Hey liberals, are you angry that the CEO of Whole Foods doesn't want a government option for health care? Does that make you want to boycott your local store? Come on, hipsters, wake up. Don't stop shopping at Whole Foods because its John Mackey is acting like a 19-year-old...

Read Post

Crappy Earth Day, Everyone! Love, Texxon.

(1) Comments | Posted April 21, 2009 | 11:41 AM

Seems Like everyone nowadays is helping us celebrate Earth Day. Even your friendly, neighborhood oil conglomerate. Through the magic of Stock Footage, Civic TV presents: "Texxon: Greenology."

Read Post

Vagina, We Hardly Knew Ya.

(18) Comments | Posted April 7, 2009 | 12:48 PM

Below is embedded the most recent episode of South Park. The Episode is entitled "Eat, Pray, Queef."

It was recommended to me by a relatively hip carpenter a few days ago because he knows I am a comedy writer. Having worked through many a queef joke, I have to admit...

Read Post

An Open Letter to Outraged Conservatives

(112) Comments | Posted March 1, 2009 | 6:54 PM

Dear Outraged Conservative American On The Verge Of Financial Ruin,

I am so pleased you have found a way to express your hatred for Obama in reclaiming the word Socialism. I congratulate you on your little knowledge of history, and admire your middling pluck in using the Internet...

Read Post

Chicago Wins!

(0) Comments | Posted December 9, 2008 | 5:11 PM

Hey New York: Suck it! SUCK IT! You feel that? That's the feeling of Chicago coming up behind you and stealing your city's thunder. Chicago is the Second City no longer. We are now the First City of endemic, bald faced, corruption. Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has pushed us to...

Read Post

Automotive Chiefs Announce Further Restructuring, Closing Ohio

(3) Comments | Posted December 8, 2008 | 3:55 PM

In his testimony before congress Friday, the head of General Motors announced that GM, Ford and Chrysler would push themselves toward financial solvency in 2009 by closing Ohio.

Rick Wagoner's announcement came in response to harsh criticism from Congress toward the Big Three for not explaining how a federal bailout...

Read Post

Objects in Mirror Seem More Relevant Than They Appear.

(15) Comments | Posted November 14, 2008 | 9:58 AM

The specifics of Henry Paulson's economic bailout plan elude me -- and according to yesterday's report that the remaining portion is going to be redistributed, it seems as though the specifics might have eluded Paulson as well. One thing that progressive economists like Robert Reich have agreed upon is that...

Read Post

Campaign Ad or Ad Campagin?

(2) Comments | Posted November 13, 2008 | 4:48 PM

Progressives, halt your celebration! A moment of your time, please. We can go back to our Kleenex-clutching Obama acceptance speech replay-a-thons in a moment. There is still one thing left to learn from Campaign 2008. Who will teach us the lesson that we should take with us into 2012? Sarah...

Read Post

President Bush Stays the Course on North Pole Relations

(0) Comments | Posted December 12, 2007 | 5:01 PM

In a stunning announcement today, President Bush declared that contrary to a growing chorus of international opinion, Santa Claus does exist. He made the announcement in a press briefing only hours after the release of an intelligence report finding no evidence of toy production in the North Pole.


Read Post

Marathons Made Simple

(7) Comments | Posted October 10, 2007 | 3:55 PM

Last weekend, the Chicago Marathon was brought to a forcible halt by police cars and helicopters ordering marathoners to finish the rest of the race at a walk. This happened because Chicago was experiencing record-high temperatures, and many runners were passing out cold on the trail from heat exhaustion. One...

Read Post