President Bush Stays the Course on North Pole Relations

In a stunning announcement today, President Bush declared that contrary to a growing chorus of international opinion, Santa Claus does exist. He made the announcement in a press briefing only hours after the release of an intelligence report finding no evidence of toy production in the North Pole.

In the face of this new, definitive evidence from the NIE, or National Imagination Explanation, the President has maintained that he will not change his policy toward the Arctic Circle. "Santa came to my house, Santa is coming to my house, and Santa will come to my house," Bush said.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said on CNN's Situation Room, "Seriously? He said that? Okay. Look, Mr. President, if you can prove that one single, solitary present was ever created by Santa Claus and delivered to a child on Christmas, Congress will back any and all political action against the North Pole."

The President has long argued that evidence of an arsenal of presents aimed at America's children was not necessary. "Just because we can't see Santa's workshop, doesn't mean it's not there."

President Bush's unchanging policy toward the North Pole is increasing tensions on Capitol Hill. Pelosi told CNN's Wolf Blitzer that by focusing all of its energy on preparing for a confrontation with St. Nicholas, Americans are ignoring the holiday at home. "The President needs to accept that there is no Santa, and spend more time sitting in the lap of America's working poor." She added, "I can't believe we're still having this conversation."

National Security Advisor Stephen Hadley said that he wasn't looking for a smoking toy gun. "If there is even the remotest possibility that Santa Claus has the capability of beginning to develop the technology for nuclear family enrichment, we must act. We must act before he amasses a stockpile of Guitar Heroes and Journey Diamond necklaces, and forces them down the chimneys of American citizens."

President Bush shows no signs of easing tensions with the hypothetical region. "Look, we may not be able to find Santa now, but I have evidence that his magical workshop, with gingerbread walls and a gumdrop roof and vanilla frosting snowmen, existed in the past."

The President cited a 2005 intelligence report, but the report has since been discredited. It relied heavily on evidence from a secret polar informant nicknamed "curve snowball," who claimed to be an elf but who officials later discovered was an alcoholic Laplander with a hormone deficiency.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid attacked the President's foreign policy intransigence. "The IAEA [International Advent Enjoyment Agency] has declared that no current Santa would be capable of producing the quantities of chair massagers and Nintendo Wii's necessary to threaten American national security."

The NIE report has sent a shockwave through the 2008 presidential landscape. Embattled democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton said yesterday, "Look at the evidence, people. When I was five years old I sat down and weighed the evidence rationally, and decided that there was no Santa Claus."

Senator Barack Obama cited the need for change. "The current administration has made it hard for the average American not to believe in Santa," Obama said at a rally in New Hampshire. "But I believe there is a better way."

Dennis Kucinich noted on his blog, "I've seen Santa. I saw him floating over the New Mexico desert in the summer of '70. Wild."

It is unclear how this news will affect voters. At the most recent Democratic debate, Iowa voter Helen Grotowski expressed confusion at the intelligence revelation. "Wait, you're saying that Santa Claus doesn't exist? That can't be. Why would America be so fixated on finding Santa's Workshop if it didn't actually exist?"

Her husband, James Grotowski, was even less convinced. "I already spent all this time and money on decorations. Why would there be decorations at every store, and why would there be all those ads telling me to buy more decorations and stuff, if there wasn't really a Santa?" He added, "Sounds like Democrat doom-and-gloom politics to me."

Republican presidential hopefuls were quick to defend President Bush's consistent policy toward the North Pole. At the CNN/YouTube Debate, Senator John McCain screamed, "Let us find him! Let! Us! Find! HIM!"

"Let me put it this way," said former Governor Mitt Romney at an Iowa speech. "Which would you rather believe in: a complicated system of international politics and trade relations involving the globalization of toy production that out-competes American factories with cheap, dangerous Chinese-made goods that cost Americans their jobs and poison their children, putting the average family at the center of a global macroeconomic race over which they have absolutely no control?" He smiled, adding, "Or, Santa?"

Responded former Senator John Edwards, "Oh, forget it."