I was recently out with some friends, and I found myself sitting next to an exuberant, wonderful woman who was visiting from Florida. We got to talking about the things that matter very quickly. She told me that she was divorced, had adult children and was running her own business in Florida. She had been an avid ballroom dancer for the last two years and adored her teacher whom she danced with. On the surface she had a charmed life, and she seemed lively and confident.
I invited her to go Salsa dancing with me at the Lincoln Center in New York City on a Friday evening where couples usually dance to a live band. I was planning to go on my own and meet some friends there. She confessed to me that she couldn't go dancing because it broke her heart to see all those couples happily dancing. It broke her heart that she didn't have a dancing partner with whom she could also share her life.
I found that an astounding statement. I had never thought of avoiding dancing because I didn't have a partner. I was brought up in an exuberant Greek way where you could pull anyone onto the dance floor and they would become your partner for the night. Not having a partner never stopped me from dancing.
On that night walking down 6th Avenue, my new friend and I ended up having a very beautiful conversation about why she didn't have a partner and what she was looking for in one. She said to me, "I've been longing for the right partner for years now, since I've been divorced. Someone that I am compatible with and that I can have fun with. Someone I can enjoy my life with, and also dance with. I get very upset when I think that other people have that, and wonder, 'why not me?'"
She asked me, "Is it not okay to want a man? Or a relationship?"
"Of course it's okay," I said. "But there is a difference between wanting and longing. Longing brings the tentacles of attachment and creates suffering that suffocates the enjoyment of our life. If you get clear in what you want and why then you can go about seeing how you can create it . "
My suggestion to her was to give up the longing, and start thinking about how she could make it a reality instead. Personally, when I gave up the longing of finding an ideal partner, I began enjoying my life much more. The longing had only created unhappiness for me. She exclaimed, "I don't want to give up my longing! It reminds me of how much I want that, and I don't want to forget it."
"That's okay," I replied, "provided that your longing doesn't keep you from being present in the moment." She stopped in the middle of 6th Avenue, held my hand and said, "I'm having a moment. I'm having an epiphany. Don't say anything else. I never realized that my longing was preventing me from being present."
We walked down 6th Avenue in that moment of epiphany, realizing how our longing creates suffering. My newfound friend said, "I now see how the longing perpetuates desire and not getting what you want , and it becomes a vicious circle . It stops me from being present and fully enjoying myself and my life. It stops me from seeing what might be possible." This incident is what prompted me to start this blog.
Longing acts as a defense mechanism or a security blanket that stops us from trying, failing and being disappointed. It actually paralyzes us from creating opportunities. Longing has been placed on a pedestal by our society, our literature, our movies, and numerous songs. Someone is always longing for someone. Scarlett O'Hara longs for Rhett Butler, Carrie Bradshaw longs for Mr. Big, Elizabeth Bennet in Pride and Prejudice longs for Mr. Darcy. We are accustomed to looking at people longing for their ideal, and waiting for their ideal to appear.
In my last blog I talked about the rock of Sisyphus, where he rolled it up the hill and down the hill it went again and again.
Longing is not just a rock. It's an immovable boulder. We long for that relationship. We long for that career. We long for success. We long for the opportunities that we see other people getting. We long for a better body. We long for vacations in faraway lands. We long to write that book, to get that part. We long for a more exciting life. We long for love, we long for romance and we long for connections. We long for recognition, for a bigger bank account and the ultimate, we long for God... the list is endless.
So what can we do instead? Our spirit thrives in being present in the moment, because that's all we have. It is our most powerful ally in assisting us in creating what we want. When we summon up the power that is instilled in being present and we don't cloud it with fear, worry, constricting rules, and beliefs of how things are supposed to be, our spirit can converge with the material world and help us manifest because we have clarity of vision.
Here is my recipe of how to move from longing to actualization:
1) Focus on what it is you desire, and peel away the longing. Throw the longing in the Aegean Sea. Now that you have identified the object of your desire, start mapping out and writing in detail what it would look like to have it. Focus on the experience you are looking for. How does having what you want make you feel?
2) Activate that feeling in all your senses: feel it, touch it, hear it, see it, experience it in your entire body. Write down the sensations with the bottom line experience, and put the note by your bathroom mirror wall. Let's say you want a partner you can dance with, as in the case of my friend. The experience is: "sharing my life with someone I care for who also cares for me, whom I can have fun with, dance with, and grow old with." The bottom line experience is "Having a connection to someone I love who loves me back." Conjure up that feeling in your imagination as if it is happening right now. Practice mocking up that feeling over and over again, until your mind begins to believe it and you begin to radiate it.That goodness you treate inside will find its match in the outside .
3) Check to see if there are any negative beliefs, blocks or walls you have placed between you and what it is you want to create . Be aware of your worry. Recognize your fear of stepping into the unknown, into unexplored territory. Do your inner work to chisel away at those worries, fears and doubts. Work with yourself to build trust and strengthen the belief that you can have the fulfillment you want .
4) Ask yourself what is the next, immediate, microscopic step you can take to create what it is you want? If it is a life partner you want, you may think the next step is signing up to an internet dating site and starting to date. But the next step may be letting go of all the old hurts and disappointments, forgiving them and letting them go so that you can start with a clean slate. Act the part as if you already have what you want.
5) Ask for support from people you trust. Ask them to help with your vision and to check in with you to see how you are doing. Hold the picture of what you want vividly in your mind, and keep holding it until it comes to fruition. Be strategic, creative and spontaneous. Keep yourself open and available to possibility. Be wary of the patterns of defeat and discouragement that can creep in when things don't happen fast enough. After all, it has taken you years and years of not getting what you want, so it may take you a bit longer to reach your goal.
As my mother used to say, "Don't miss the moment." That perfect moment of inspiration and connection often catches us by surprise. We don't always know what the next moment may bring, but we do have a choice of whether to block the moment or allow it to happen.
I would love to hear from you about how you are letting go of your longings to start manifesting your dreams.
Rev. James Martin, S.J.: 12 Things I Wish I Knew at 25: Spiritual Learnings on My 50th Birthday
Agapi Stassinopoulos: How to Rekindle Your Enthusiasm
But I'd like to pose the flip question: how come so many narcissistic personalities have succeeded in their endeavors, often with many people following them? And these individuals are completely (and by definition) incapable of compassion. How do we account for the successful leadership by these individuals? I'd be really interested in hearing how you and the other readers perceive this. It's such a fascinating study...
Thank you
What is the ultimate that will really fulfill me when I get what I want.
And yes, it's for me to do all my "homework": to get clear and ready, to do my actions and steps towards my goal, so when it IS manifested, I will just be there to step into it, so naturally, in all the beauty of my own wins.
A long time ago you've empowered me, Lady.
Thank you for what you do.
www.ManifestingYourLifeDreams.com - with Sylvia Giussani
Like any good recipe, I find that creating a dream ' takes as long as it takes.' A wonderful cake can't be rushed and neither can the manifestation of say...a life partner. I have been in the kitchen stirring that pot for a decade. Finding beauty and joy along the way seems to be the way I stay engaged (no pun intended) in the process.
Your mother was such an inspiration to savor the richness of the moment. Thank you so much for including her spirit in this wonderful post.
Much Love,
Eli
Maybe should stirring that pot and let it simmer
:0) Greg
I left out the stop, as in stop stirring that pot
To me, your "recipe" is right on track, although I would add a caveat..."however actively, honestly and persistently you apply the recipe, you may not get the result you want"...it may just not be what God wants for you...it may not align with your karmic path and the higher purpose we're here for...which of course is why we can't judge anyone for what we might call their successes or failures...
Indeed, in my experience, anything we wish for, obtain and hold dear in this world may ultimately be torn away from us...our health, or wealth, our relationships...regardless of what we think, say or do..until we learn to love it all...including our hurts, our fears and our longings...
I've never liked "the plan", but we don't get to set the rules...we have only one choice to make...whether to cooperate...
Besides, the beauty that your "new friend" experienced in your expression of love may far exceed anything she may long for...when we really look, every human being is beautiful...whether they know it or not...and far too many do not...
our life's path a lot of times takes us where it needs to go to fulfill our greatest growth
thank you for your wisdom and insight and sharing it...
and you glow too !!!!
blessings
Agapi
But I don't agree with what you said about "how to move from longing to actualization." I think what you did with that statement is to tell people how to move from longing (fantasy) to affirmations (fantasy). And since I agree that longing is like a mood altering addiction I have to disagree with your supposition that mood altering, "mocking up that feeling," is good because it is just another fantasy. And all fantasies take you away from the present.
So I would like to suggest that what leads to greater happiness and the achievement of great things (new boyfriend, great work, happiness) requires 1) previous successes in your history and the proven ability to learn how to do big things, 2) that your imagination is primed to take advantage of what crosses your path (i.e., guy who could be a great boyfriend or new job) because it is present and willing to play with what is happening now or 3) a general visualization like "I'm feeling happy and self confident" (rather than a specific visualization like "I have the perfect boyfriend").
Simplistic positive thinking doesn't work. If it did millions of people who had bought these best-selling books about thinking and growing rich would have already achieved their dreams come true. And they haven't.
www.bruisedandbattered.com
The bigger your dream, the more difficult it is to maintain balance in your life. And many people simply are not willing to make that sacrifice. Which is one reason why most dreams will remain but a dream.