I went to see the new Renée Zellweger movie this weekend, "My One and Only", a film that touches on the ever present subject of a woman's liberation after leaving a man. The movie is set in the 1950 and follows Anne Deveraux, a southern blonde who, as her husband Dan, a band conductor played by Kevin Bacon describes her, suffers from delusions of grandeur. When she arrives early from one of her trips, she finds him in bed with the singer of the band, and it's clear this isn't their first time.
She packs up, takes her two teenage sons, money and jewelry from the safe deposit box, buys a Cadillac and leaves for Boston, the closest city she can think of. He protests and tries to stop her by saying how the affairs mean nothing and that she means much more. He then tells her that she is a bad mother who doesn't even know what school her kids go to and that she won't be able to take care of them or survive on her own. She drives on, with the clear intention of finding a husband to take care of her and her boys.
This is the archetypic tale of the betrayed wife, and it lives on our collective feminine psyche. I know it very well from my personal experience and from watching my mother live through my father's affairs, sharing her heartache and suffering with it all (my parents' story has a happy ending, see below). I also know it from my extensive work on the Greek archetypes and working with various women who have lived through their experience of betrayal.
The archetype of the betrayed wife is nothing new and has been present in public lives from Henry the 8th through Hillary Clinton, Elizabeth Edwards, Princess Diana, Silda Spitzer, Dina McGreevy, and most recently, Jenny Sanford. But unlike so many others, Jenny walked out. She didn't sit by the governor's side as he confessed. Instead, she went and did an interview with Vogue and posed looking gorgeous.
Let me start with the mythology, the way it relates to today, and how it leads us to catharsis (the Greek word for resolution) at the end. Hera, the goddess of marriage, is the loyal wife of Zeus and the queen of Mt. Olympus. She is Mrs. Zeus. Their romance begins when Zeus woes her by disguising himself as a cuckoo bird. She takes pity on the bird and takes it under her arm. The bird then proceeds to change into mighty Zeus and seduces her, after which she to marries him. Now think back for a minute. Have you ever encountered a disguised male? Someone that enlists your support, that you embrace before he reveals his hidden self? Zeus and Hera have a 300-year honeymoon, and then he gets the 300-year-itch and has affairs with muses, goddesses and semi goddesses, fathering countless children while she is stuck at Olympus, humiliated and undermined. She feels disempowered and blocked from exercising her power as a woman and as queen. She becomes bitter, jealous, vindictive and turns his mistresses into cows, flies, and trees.
At some point she realizes that she must leave him. Yes, get out of Olympus. counsel no divorce lawyers, take no temples, just walk out. She leaves him (this is my favorite part of the myth) and returns to Evia, her birthplace, where she secludes herself in her sanctuary to do some soul searching. Beware of goddesses doing soul searching! They become mighty!
Notice that she doesn't confront him. She doesn't call her girlfriends to bitch about him. She just leaves. In the movie, Anne does a similar thing. She leaves, dates one jerk after another, moves in with a sister she can't stand, eats humble pie, takes multiple jobs, travels from city to city, runs out of money and even gets arrested. But--she doesn't go back!
In the Greek myth, Zeus misses Hera, so he disguises himself as a statue and begs her to return. She does return more complete within herself and is called Hera the Telia, Hera the perfected. In the movie, Dan, returns and begs Anne to come back. She says, "No", and when he asks her, "Don't you love me anymore?" and she responds with the climactic line: "I am not sure if I love you, but I am sure I don't need you anymore!" She has finally come to the realization that she can survive financially, emotionally and mentally without him. She has unhooked herself from him and has connected back to her own self .
Like Hera and Anne, my mother, made the decision to leave my father. In Athens Greece in the 60 's with no vocation or a job this was a most courageous act with many challenges on the way. In the last year of their lives he asked her for forgiveness, and she forgave him. They had a loving six-month long distance relationship, Athens to L.A., she died three months after him. That is how strong their bond was. In the film, Anne finds her sea legs by reassuring herself, getting up after every blow. My mother found her life force in leaving my father.
The core issue is not that the man is unfaithful, lies, cheats and betrays the woman. The core issue is that the woman assigned her well being to the man. Such a relationship is doomed to be a dead-end. Somewhere in there she gave up her inner authority and it's going to backfire at some point. Our feminine psyche is always prompting us to wholeness so it will bring up false situations to wake us up. Ultimately it is all serving to return us to self.
When something becomes so visible in our society it is a collective wound that is being exposed and needs to be healed, "The fault dear Brutus is not in our stars but in ourselves." When we women rise up in who we are and own our truth, when we express our needs and claim our voices; when we recognize that we can be both powerful and vulnerable when we stop diminishing ourselves, the men will rise to the occasion and match us. But if we remain unconscious of our feminine power, the men will have a field day and we both will suffer the consequences.
I am grateful to Charlie Peters, the screenwriter, for raising this subject again, and I am grateful to each of us who walked away from the unconsciousness of being suppressed, forgotten and shut off.
Have you been betrayed? Has someone close to you? How did you cope? Share your story or thoughts on the subject matter below.
Jill Brooke: Elizabeth Edwards Reportedly Thinks Serial Cheating Is Worse Than an Affair. Do You?
Also, I will admit, it's oh so sweet because the power in our marriage has shifted. It used to seem to be that I was the one that was lucky to be married to him. Now, he's realized that he's as lucky to be married to me. He knows that without him, I could survive just fine, although I do love him, and would miss him terribly. But I'm a stronger and more resilient person than he is. On the other hand, he needs me. Am I happy about this? You bet I am. Is this for everyone? H/ell no. But you asked how I dealt with my husband's infidelity, and that, in a nutshell, is it.
I kicked him out and I've never looked back. He's since become sober and has begged and pleaded with me to reconcile, but I'll never put myself or my son in the position to be abused like that again. He even withheld child support to try to force me to take him back because I couldn't afford to support us on my own. I stayed resolute through all of this and now he's realized he can't treat me that way anymore. He's shaped up, helps me financially, takes his son on the weekends and even has a new woman in his life.
As for me, it's been a very difficult road and I've coped by hitting the gym six days a week. Cheaper than therapy and I've lost the 36lbs I put on due to all the stress during my marriage. I haven't healed completely by any stretch, but I now know that I can handle just about anything life throws at me. I wish I hadn't had to learn that the hard way but...c'est la vie!
"Cheating: The Glue That Holds Us Together," is a blog post I wrote about the subject. Check it out and let me know what you think:
http://tartandsoul.com/2009/08/03/cheating-the-glue-that-holds-us-together/
Sometimes it's a bit difficult sorting out relationships between people you meet.
Oh Amen on this one! Life does have a way of sending us the same situation over and over until we learn what we need to for wholeness or we self-destruct in some manner. My mother took the route of developing a series of neuroses which drove away the very people who could have honestly cared about her. I'm trying to learn the lessons and do the hard work. For me, it means not being the betrayer of myself.
-Be for yourself; not against anyone.-
I identify with the character you have described.
Later, he married an old girlfriend, but waited until she was 8 months pregnant so as to maximize her humiliation. (that was during the time that women still got humiliated for that reason).
Later, I met the love of my life, and we had 42 good years together before he died last spring. The gut pain went away and was replaced by something much better....security in the knowledge that I had the love of a good man.
Even after a year, learning the truth was definitely a "mixed bag" for me emotionally, mostly because I felt partly responsible for not knowing it sooner. At the same time, I'm glad that this miserable man is not in my life any more. As a positive person, I hope that my next relationship will be a lot healthier, with help from an emotionally healthy man.
So the behavior we attribute to human females is also not done so thoughtfully and by choice. It's programmed into our behavior-wired in- just like men's promiscuity.
I think it will take another 10,000 years before there is some evolution on this issue and men find themselves happy with one significant other.
If evolution is not fast enough for you, perhaps you will condone the use of oxitosin for men(the bonding agent that makes women bond to one person) and the use of testosterone for women so that they will chill and be a bit more physical for the sake of being physical. (Studies already back these results)
Either way, that change will take place in the human species-where we will become more of one species as opposed to what appears like two entirely different species at the present.
And to those who "have one of the good men"...it is only time before you catch him in bed with someone and realize the dream you had of him all these years...was yes, just a dream.
GiGi
www.GiGiSays.com
You ask:
Have you been betrayed? Has someone close to you? How did you cope?
This is a monumental question. I wonder if anyone at some time in their life hasn't?
I also believe things happen and sometimes what appears as painful can turn into the opposite. Before I met my beloved Deb I had a relationship that caused me grief and I felt betrayed big time. But if it didn't happen I probably wouldn't have met Deb.
Blessings,
Ed
Treasure yourself. Open your heart to life and magic happens
I am touched by your comment
I feel things will go well for you!
Joyfully,
Ed