THE BLOG
09/30/2013 12:25 pm ET Updated Nov 30, 2013

Five Things Women Shouldn't Do After Divorce

And they say women are complicated! Ha! They are actually quite predictable. Whether they are going through a divorce or breakup women have very similar patterns on how they deal with their anguish. They are always worried about the future; consequently, they spend their precious moments agonizing about it. Why isn't he calling? I can't believe he left me! I need to find myself a husband! On and on their minds spin into a visceral wooly scarf that will eventually become their emotional noose. For every poor decision they make in the early days of the break-up they will pay a price that will only enlarge exponentially if they don't knock it off! Here are five behaviors that women need to stop doing after divorce or a bad breakup:

1) I'll show him! Spending money immediately after the separation.
Most women consider retail therapy either a vengeful act of indignation or as a source to brighten a weak moment. They run out and buy new clothes, sex toys, lingerie, jewelry, cars, etc. None of the items they purchase will give them the result they are looking for. Divorce is a time to slow down your emotional engine and reassess your life, finances, careers, children and understanding that during this difficult time you should not trust anything your ego is telling you. Making any financial decision big or small should be halted for at least a year after separation. The only dividend you will receive at the end of your bountiful spree will be remorse for the debt you have accumulated over the past twelve months.

2) A friendly visit to the local plastic surgeon.
Yup, that's what they do. They internalize that somehow they were not young enough, pretty enough, big breasted enough or whatever nonsense their insecure selves can convince them of. And, it is at this vulnerable state they will justify their shortcomings just like a good attorney and come up with a million arguments convincing themselves that a boob job, a shot of Botox or some filler will forever change their lives and give them the confidence they need to forge ahead. And it's a wonder men tell us we are too emotional! Ladies, the failure of your marriage or breakup had nothing to do with your physical looks! In this case, bigger is not necessarily better. Let me simplify it: Your marriage ended because one or the both of you decided to break the contract -- marriage is a contract. Your extra wrinkles or wilted boobs had nothing to do with the wreckage of your vows. Before you go and change your exterior, which may be permanently altered, please look to change your insides first. Changing the way you view the world will change the way you view yourself.

3) Boo Hoo! Woest me!
Cut it out, will ya! Nobody wants to listen to a crybaby. Stop playing victim and how you've been so wronged and he is such an SOB. Blah, blah, blah, same story, different characters. The bottom line; the marriage didn't last forever and ever like the fairytale promised. Surprise, surprise! It's not the end of the world, but it can be the beginning of a wonderful opportunity to recreate yourself and discover parts of you that you never knew existed. Trust yourself and the universe that this event occurred to take you to a place even better. I know, while you are going through this agonizing time life seems so futile; practice non-resistance with all your emotions and soon you will find the bad ones will float away and be replaced with a new sense of verve for life. Offer yourself the gift of hope for the splendid future that awaits you.

4) Jumping Into Another Relationship ASAP
Yup, that's exactly what every man and woman needs immediately after breaking up with their life partner; replace them with a new partner; surely this will fix all your heartache. I don't think so! I find it fascinating that people feel the need, not just the desire, but also an actual need so strong they believe they will suffer physical pain if they don't find another partner immediately. This makes me think about the first time as a child I placed my hand on the burner of a stove only to find out that it was not only hot but it burned the skin right off my little hand. I promise you I have never touched a burner since that day without wearing a pair of heat mitts. I also went to the doctor to mend my tiny paws immediately. Humans are a fascinating species; they fall (which usually represents some sort of physical pain) in love, get burned and just like a drug addict they hit the streets again to find more crack, ahem, I meant love... Deciding to fall into another relationship tout de suite after a calamitous love affair is so obviously inappropriate it is subtle. Statistically, almost 65 percent of remarriages end in divorce. Hmmm, me thinks you ought to make sure you understand what it is you really, really want out of your life. Your first and only job after divorce should be to work on thyself. There is no way you are going to be successfully available emotionally or legally for that matter, until you take a long look inside your spiritual being and hire a good divorce attorney (not sure if there are any.) Now go and tell your ego to take a hike so you and your spirit can begin the process of healing your mighty self. Oh, and, don't forget to bring a pair of hot mitts on your journey.

5. Over Analyze The Broken Relationship
Come on... you know you do it. I did it too, shamelessly, I might add. What is it with women? They want to talk about the same small details over and over again ad nauseum. Somehow we believe by talking about it and getting everyone to side with us that he was a dirty rotten scoundrel will somehow vindicate us and make us look like perfectly innocent victims. How many victims do you see being swimmingly successful in life and relationships? Hmm, wait, I'm thinking...still thinking...Oh, that's right, none! Not a one! I have a policy in my world: No Victims Allowed. You should put a placard on your front door with those words on it so that every time you walk through the doors to your kingdom you are reminded that you are a stalwart for strong, independent women and not a mamby pamby fatality of your own psyche.

Listen my friends; take note of all the wonderful benefits your broken relationship offered you. If you have children from the voyage be in gratitude for the man that helped you create this spectacular child the two of you created in love...at the time at least. Be very careful when spewing negativity towards exterior factors for the demise of the relationship you were a co-creator in. Take responsibility for your part and learn from it. Make a conscious effort to find love inside of you. If you are looking for love and happiness through any exterior circumstance you will most definitely be disappointed. Love lives inside of you. Now go in search of it.

Take great care my friends ~

If you have a question about love, marriage, divorce, dating or your breakup, please contact me at: agi@dearagi.com or www.dearagi.com

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