It doesn't matter who pays the mortgage, if you have small children, you are continually reminded that the space you inhabit is no longer yours. Here's clear evidence that despite your parental role, you likely have limited control of your home.
1. Your bed contains Legos and other hazards.
Remember when getting into bed was about soft sheets and comfy blankets? Yeah, me neither. Checking for foreign objects before diving in is highly recommended.
2. Your closet is routinely employed for hide-and-seek.
It doesn't matter how often you tell your kids to stay out of your closet. When it comes to hide-and-seek, it's the number one go-to spot. But you're a good sport so you pretend to have a tough time locating them, then go back after the fact to put your clothes back on the hangers.
3. When you go to the bathroom, the kids call a family meeting. In the bathroom. Because their need to speak with you inexplicably coincides with your need to urinate. Every. Single. Time.
4. Privacy isn't a thing.
Not just when it comes to peeing, but when it comes to everything. Were you hoping to have a quiet moment to yourself? A few minutes of reading? An intimate evening with your spouse? This is where locks come in handy, because your child cannot fathom why you wouldn't want to be in their presence twenty-four hours a day.
5. Your kids understand the remote control better than you.
Nothing is more humbling than having to ask your 5-year-old how to switch from Netflix to the DVD player. The upside to this is that in a few more years your child's knowledge will be the equivalent of complete, in-home tech support.
6. The living room exists for forts.
Heaven forbid your child decides to make a fort in his own room. The proper site for a fort is dead center in the middle of the most used living space. The fort must be comprised of at least one object from every other room in the house, destroy any notions you had of desirable décor, and impede adults from safe passage from one room to another.
7. No matter how often you close doors, you will find them open again.
This goes for garage doors, front doors, sliding glass doors, closet doors and kitchen cabinets. Because apparently, the ability to close any sort of door doesn't develop fully until the post-teenage years.
8. You can't park in your garage. Because bikes.
And scooters, skateboards, tricycles, rollerblades, strollers, tagalongs, wagons, mini-motorized bulldozers and Barbie cars.
9. Your kitchen is more for snack storage than actual cooking.
Go ahead and move any beloved appliances or gadgets to the most inaccessible recesses of your kitchen, because the priorities have changed. All of the prime real estate will henceforth be dedicated to goldfish, granola bars, and pureed fruit in pouches. While you're at it, move your favorite dishes out of the way and replace them with "Thomas the Tank Engine" plates and cereal bowls with built in straws (which are disgusting and should not exist).
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