06/07/2010 05:42 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

The World Cup as a Therapy Session


If World Cup nations were on Dr. Freud's couch:

USA - I need to belong
England - I feel like a loser, again
Germany - I will win, I will win, I will win!
Italy - I want my mama!
France - Nobody likes me, I'm a ball fondler
Holland - I feel flat, again
Brazil - I can't stop partying
Argentina - My name is Diego, and I'm an alcoholic
Mexico - I hate the neighbor, he's making my life miserable, and I want him to go away
Paraguay - I like to dress up in uniforms
Uruguay - I feel as if I am invisible
Chile - I feel warm but people think I'm cold
Honduras - People think I'm a cigar
North Korea - I like to recite poetry and kill as many people as possible
South Korea - I'm always afraid
Portugal - I feel superior. I'm not Spanish!
Spain - I feel superior. I'm not Portuguese!
Australia - Drink! Burps! Farts! It's what I do
New Zealand - I have a girlfriend, she has a wonderful baaa
Japan - It's simple. I win or die
Serbia - I have anger issues
Denmark - Lager for breakfast, is something wrong?
Slovakia - I don't feel whole anymore
Algeria - Don't tell anyone that I am here
Slovenia - I hate being small
Switzerland - Life is always in neutral for me
Greece - My life is falling apart, it's a tragedy
Cameroon, Ghana, Nigeria, Ivory Coast, South Africa -
We don't need f****** therapy

Alan Black is the co-author of The Glorious World Cup, a send-up guide to the Finals

Subscribe to the Entertainment email.
Home to your favorite fan theories and the best movie recs.