Quick, what is your gender?
Your mind may reflect on the last time you checked off a box next to a letter 'F' or a letter 'M.' I'd like to share with you a model with more facets. Imagine if you had three different types of genders.
First, think of the gender of your mind. How do you picture yourself in your mind and how do you want others to perceive you? Is it as a woman, a man, or are these categories too restrictive?
Second, is the gender of your heart, as in the seat of love. Are you emotionally drawn to women, men, either, or does it depend on the person?
Third, is the gender of your anatomy. At birth were you categorized as being male or female? Was this straightforward or not? Some people have traits that are initially indeterminate and are categorized mostly for the convenience of those around them.
These natural gender variations can combine in many ways. I suspect that your 'gender combination' is one of the largest factors shaping your worldview.
For example, I am a biological male who sees himself as a male in society and is emotionally drawn to women. To be precise, I should say, a woman since I'm happily married. Recently, a man I'll call Mark, told me how hard it was to connect with his girlfriend. It was a classic Mars vs. Venus issue. He wants more freedom to pursue his hobbies. She wants more communication. Mark found it easier to talk to me about this since he is also a male who sees himself as a male and who is drawn to women.
As a doctor who works to improve people's hormones, I also help those undergoing gender reassignment. Mark could talk to me more easily about his girlfriend even though, just over a year ago, he presented as a woman himself.
Do you have a hard time understanding those whose gender combination is different from your own? If someone who has lived as both genders finds the process difficult, I'm surprised we don't have more problems than we already do.
The skill that counters this confusion is being able to imagine someone else's perspective. You can show a three-year-old child a piece of paper that is red on one side and green on the other. If you show them the green side and ask them what color you see, they will think you see a green paper like they do even though they were shown that the other side is red. Normally by age seven, the child will say that they are seeing the green side but you are seeing the red side. This is called moving from a pre-operational worldview to a less egocentric operational worldview. The child realizes that their perspective on the paper is not the only possible one.
It has been a joy seeing Mark and others realize something that many of us take for granted, living in society as the gender that we see ourselves to be.
Even though we see the world through the filter of our own gender combination, we can at least acknowledge that other combinations exist. The solution is the same advice I gave Mark and frequently give myself. When you're having a hard time connecting, own it. Tell the person you're having a hard time connecting and you'd like to connect better. Start a dialogue. Perhaps the Supreme Court's ruling on marriage equality despite gender combinations will help the national dialogue.