11/09/2011 09:11 am ET | Updated Jan 09, 2012

Boomerology 101: Passing the Torch So No One Gets Burned

'Breaking News!' Baby Boomers are Coming of Age this year: Retirement Age! Yes, the first batch of Boomers will grab their Social Security money while it's still there and then we are done like Rick Perry. That means next year, if you're 20/30/or 40-something, you are in charge of the world -- a frightening thought to your kids who think you're a total dork. (It's alright; we went thru that with you.)

If it's true that 50 is the new 40, that means it's also the old 60, so that bunch is recused from any meaningful responsibility, much like the Vice Presidency.

South of 50? We're handing you the keys to the car and now you're driving. OK, not a real car, it's a Prius, but that's progress. It wasn't long ago that Exxon made us believe we could get 20 miles on an oily duck.

I won't bore you with Endless Boomer Wisdom, that's what we have The View for, but on behalf of my demographic -- none of whom actually asked me to speak for them -- let me speak for them anyway and petition for our Legacy Props.

We did, after all, give you liposuction and Viagra and other things you may not need now, but trust me, you'll grab on to one day like the Nancy Grace Death Grip on that defenseless Leprechaun in the Paso Doble.

We're sorry we couldn't quite explain global warming or Dog the Bounty Hunter. We're sorry about the whole 'John McCain for President' thing -- he was too old even for us.

But remember, we invented 'Sex, Drugs and Rock 'n Roll' so that you could create the sub-categories, Make-Up Sex, Revenge Sex, Online Sex, Sex Addiction, Dysfunction, and those Cable TV 'On Demand' channels.

We introduced Medical Marijuana and almost fooled the Feds with that one. Your drugs are for fun, mine are for survival.

Anti-inflammatories, cholesterols, depressants... my medicine cabinet would be the envy of many a dead rock star.

'Warning: These products may cause headaches, backaches, weight gain, hair loss, diarrhea, gonorrhea, pizzeria, Mamma Mia'... and that famous burning sensation. Ask your doctor if you're healthy enough for sexual activity. If he says "No," kill yourself.

Over half of you now favor legal weed. In Canada, they have that, plus same sex marriage and universal health insurance. You could play hockey one night, hit the pipe at the team bong bash and wake up married to your goalie but you're both covered!

And you rock! You added Hip-Hop, Garage, Grunge, Dubstep and whatever you call what Radiohead was doing. (Over my head.)

We learned from you that when Boomers dance, we should keep our arms in and our hands low so we don't look like air traffic controllers.

Did I mention "sex"? I hope so but I'm not sure 'cause I'm 60 (minimum) so I'd have to go back and read that paragraph.

Anyway, let us please stay in that game...

Did you know that 20% of internet dating is done by Boomers?!

A guy in my demo might still have a few things on his bucket list that require a partner and some fragrant lotion.

Wanted: Middle-aged man seeks woman for companionship... loves Cabernet on the beach, and rescuing ponies.

Really? How 'bout Wrinkled Aging Cynic seeks Hottie half his age for shallow, meaningless sex on demand... hygienic nymphomaniac with her own car who loves poker, hates jewelry, and talks only during commercials.

You know what a 'middle aged guy seeking women' finds on the Internet? Another middle aged guy seeking women.

Love is tough on single Boomers because we have limited time and no community property left over for further experimentation in the snake pit of dating.

So there it is... we're on our way out the door and we'd like to take some cash with us but apparently our children took it all and somehow don't remember where they put it.

We sent you to college and you got so smart you bundled our 401Ks into credit default swaps. What the hell is that???

Whatever we had left over from your tuition and rehab was supposed to pay for my hip replacement and erectile dysfunction tablets.

We have trophy wives screaming for botox.

They want lobster once in a while.

That money was not intended to buy you a Lamborghini or put up your nose. The K at the end of 401 does not stand for 'Kids'!

All we're asking is to please be gentle: it's our first time being irrelevant. We can see the future and we're not in it.

You are and we love you, so good luck, my trans-generational darlings. In the words of Herman Cain when he met Justin Bieber...

"Is she with you?"