12/14/2011 07:44 pm ET | Updated Feb 13, 2012

The Oscar Surgeons, or, 'How to Look Better Than You Feel'

It's approaching Awards season again, where people who spend weeks choosing an outfit, days planning a hairdo, hours getting made up, suddenly appear on stage and say, 'I wasn't prepared for this... I don't know what to say.'

How 'bout including in the 'thank you's' a fat tip of the hat to the wizards behind the winners: the Hollywood Society of Cosmetic Surgeons! Surely they deserve their own category by now.

'Best Actor'? No! 'Best Turkey-Neck Lift, so a 70-year-old Geezer could play Credible Lover to that 20-Something Hottie!'

'Best Actress'? No! 'Best Big Wow Red Carpet Butt Implant and Sudden Appearance of Staggeringly Impressive Cleavage.'

'Best Makeup' or ... 'Least Detectable Weave'? 'Follicle Plug Job'?

'Most Decades-Shaving Substance-Abuse Cover-up of Rehab Rosacea by Dermal Abrasion'!
Our beloved Town of Tinsel boasts 'A doc on every block'-like franchises: McFacelifts, Los TummyTights, The House of Hooters.

You can have two nice looking people get married in Hollywood, neither one tells the other they both had nose jobs, they give birth to a kid with a honker the size of the Baja peninsula.
'Where did we go wrong?' It's not nice to fool Mother Nature.

The kid gets a job sniffing shoes at the airport. Cruel parenting.

(Fact: Americans spend more on breast implants and Viagra than we do on Alzheimer's research. One day we'll have a million old boobs staring at 2 million new boobs and wondering why.)

Our goal in this column is always to Connect the Generations and no one does that better than those heroic souls who snip and tighten, mold and lighten, tweak and scrape the years away when us Boomers start wishing we still looked like you Nexters.

There's no crime in trying to look young because that's where the action is! Your fun is organic, ours takes planning and a nap.

If you're an Under-AARP'er, the reason to pay attention here is...

a) You can assume us Boomers are less healthy than we appear and could expire at any moment, leaving you stuck arranging the parade.

b) If you're lucky, you'll live long enough for this stuff to happen to you.
50 may be the new 40 but I've had mornings where 60 is the new 90.
True, 'Life begins at 60' for some, but Death begins at 61 if you don't behave.

Mickey Mantle famously said, 'If I'd known I woulda lived this long, I'da taken better care of myself.' The Mick was a lot of laughs but had a very angry liver.

Conversely, President Bush the Latter was ideal as our poster boy for Boomer Fitness with consistent test results. Cholesterol: 177...Triglycerides: 68... IQ: 43.

Sorry if I've now lost the Republicans but that was irresistible. (Really? No Republicans read the Huff Post? Alrighty then.)

If surgery is too frightening or expensive (it's both!), we can always fall back on those old reliables, Diet and Exercise. (Bor-ing!)

After much research consisting mostly of asking attractive people how they got that way, here's Dr. Nip/Tuck/Oscar Luck and his 3 keys to looking great while feeling merely passable.

1) Diet: If your friends have 4% body fat and you're 96% cheesecake, get newer, fatter friends because you'll never be happy around these harpies. You've heard the whispers and the jokes:
You know you're fat when you go bicycling and your cheeks get caught in the spokes.... If they offer you a group rate on a Fanny Tuck....

Fat-free health-conscious Vegetarians are infiltrating our carnivorous society. Poised to strike when you're at your heaviest and therefore most vulnerable, they will try to convert you! Vegetarians are the Scientologists of Food.

Meat people like to savor food, Vegetarians don't care how it tastes, only 'Did it pass easily?'
'How was dinner?' 'I don't felt good and it's gone.'
That's a successful meal!
'What did you have?' 'Could be spinach. It happened so fast.'
'Dammit! Pour me some carrot juice. It's party time!'
I'm a semi vegetarian... I only eat animals who eat vegetables.
('Vegetarian' comes from the Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.')

Hint: Maybe they're on to something. You never see a Vegetarian chunkster youngster because you'll never hear a kid say, 'I pigged out on sprouts last night; so ashamed... so delicious!'

2) Exercise: I had a nice body in college; her name was Darlene. That was just fun to say.
Boomers stay in shape playing sports in the FERZAGE division. "He looks good... Ferzage. He moves well... Ferzage. Doesn't drool much... Ferzage."

I still play hockey but I've told my wife, 'I can't skate and make love in the same month so I hope you enjoy the game!'
If your sweat pants start sweating at the very thought that you'll be getting into them....
Tip: Get off your Ass.

#3) Pedicures: Old age begins in the toenails. Remember when you looked down and saw beautiful feet, soft and tanned and young and lovely? Do Not Look Down After 60! It happens overnight that those toes become total strangers... grizzled beef jerkies at the end of your foot... veins that pop out looking like a map of downtown Apocalypse, topped with gnarly little tufts of hair, your former toenail is now a two-inch thick slab of volcanic lava on a crusty linoleum biscuit!
Tip: Wear shoes.

Bonus Advice: to guarantee good looks...have beautiful parents.
Thanks for listening and now...'May I have the envelope, please!'