I am firmly prObama. I have met people who are, unfortunately, pro McCain. And yet, according to the news, there are all these people out there who are undecided. I haven't actually met one of them, because I live in New York City where everyone loves Obama. But my question is this: How is it possible that after a 18 month long primary process plus another 4 months of around the clock general campaign coverage, people still can't decide? Love them or hate them, Obama and McCain couldn't be more different. On a majority of issues, they are diametrically opposed. In the next month, their stances aren't going to change very much, if at all. So what is keeping these undecided people from making up their damn minds already?
My explanation is that undecided voters are very, very stupid. So in an effort to help these dimwits make up their minds, I have created a simple questionnaire to help guide them to the right decision:
Please read the following statements and evaluate if it applies to you. At the end, add up the number of "McCain" answers and the number of "Obama" answers. The name you see the most? Why that's the person you should vote for, dumbass.
1. I believe that women should not be allowed to get an abortion, even if they were raped and impregnated by their mongoloid uncle.
AGREE (Vote McCain) DISAGREE (Vote Obama)
2. I think the last 8 years under George W. Bush have been positively terrific.
AGREE (Vote McCain) DISAGREE (Vote Obama)
3. I believe that what's missing in international diplomacy is folksy stories about small towns in Alaska.
AGREE (Vote McCain) DISAGREE (Vote Obama)
4. I am really, really rich and all I care about is tax cuts.
AGREE (Vote McCain) DISAGREE (Vote Obama)
5. Global warming isn't caused by man, and it isn't really a big issue anyway because when Jesus comes back in a few years, he'll take care of it.
AGREE (Vote McCain) DISAGREE (Vote Obama)
6. I don't care if the rest of the world thinks of the people of America as a bunch of ignorant douche bags.
AGREE (Vote McCain) DISAGREE (Vote Obama)
7. Men and dinosaurs walked the earth at the same time.
AGREE (Vote McCain) DISAGREE (Vote Obama)
8. I believe that Creationism should be taught to children in public schools alongside the "theory" of evolution.
AGREE (Vote McCain) DISAGREE (Vote Obama)
9. The President of the United States takes his orders directly from God and/or Jesus, whoever is available at the time.
AGREE (Vote McCain) DISAGREE (Vote Obama)
10. Children don't need universal healthcare coverage. That's what Flintstone's chewable Vitamins are for.
AGREE (Vote McCain) DISAGREE (Vote Obama)
11. The fundamentals of the US economy are strong. No they're not. Wait, yes they are.
AGREE (Vote McCain) DISAGREE (Vote Obama)
12. US troops should remain in Iraq for the next 100 years, or at least until Jesus comes back, which should be any day now. (see question 5)
AGREE (Vote McCain) DISAGREE (Vote Obama)
13. Vladimir Putin's heart would be warmed by the phrase, "You betcha, Vladdy!"
AGREE (Vote McCain) DISAGREE (Vote Obama)
14. The best reason to start a non-profit organization is so you can have fast and easy access to painkillers.
AGREE (Vote McCain) DISAGREE (Vote Obama)
15. Understanding of technology and the internet, though essential for a position in Accounts Receivable at a company that manufactures cardboard boxes, isn't necessary for the President of the United States.
AGREE (Vote McCain) DISAGREE (Vote Obama)
Alec Brownstein is a writer and director living in New York City. You can view his work at www.alecbrownstein.com
