Version 2009 C.E. (5770 for those of you keeping score at home)

WARNING: THIS IS NOT A KVETCH. What follows is a real life, non-practicing, reformed American Jew"ish" Haggadah. This is, as my Bubbi used to say as she was mimeographing anti-Franco literature at the ACLU, the real magilla. Do...

Went to the memorial of a great American the other day: Sponto. The "Mayor" of Venice Beach lived behind his storefront art gallery. Ran many things through that cramped space: Movie nights, poetry readings, poker nights, North Venice beach's polling place. He sold mind-altering shit to pay the rent and...

I went to fill up my imported, leased S.U.V. and it only cost forty-two dollars and twenty-one cents and I was like, "What the hey?" Just four months ago it cost eighty-four dollars and fifty-five cents for the same tank!?! Now, I haven't gone forward with my planned gas tank...

Sarah, this is God calling. How's everything?

We haven't spoke in a little while. I've been busy making sure only the sports teams I root for win.

Thank you for heeding my call to accept John McCain's impetuous offer to join his ticket. You really brought great attention to...

It's taken a week to digest that Barack Obama is actually my president. A week of trying to process a lifetime of cynicism and anger and disenfranchisement at the political process and the apathy of my fellow Americans and, sadly, myself. For my entire life, the America I believed I...

This ruins everything, eh? I've spent the last several months establishing a new identity. Enrolled my children in the Manitoba school system, got my Canadian National Health Card, dug the well for my self-sustainable lifestyle, forged a new passport, became quite proficient at Curling, filled my closet with Edmonton Oiler...

Somewhere in a Camarro parked outside of Wasilla:

"Dude, you dodged a bullet."
"It ain't like that, Bro. I love her."
"Dude!?!?"
"Shut up and pass the pipe."

Meanwhile, somewhere in Arizona:

"I can't fucking handle this! Two years of this shit and you only carried 10...

Socialist? Communist? Un-American? I thought we were replaying Vietnam, not McCarthyism! Well, if this race has come down to ridiculous, dangerous, slanderous culture wars, I'm ready to dive in.

John McCain is a philatelist! Do we really want a philatelist running our country in these dangerous times? Can we afford...

Oh, Sarah. My Sarah. Wasilla's church belle
Sent down from heaven to reek hell
Sparkling eyes that did not blink
When called forth from hockey rink

Mother four times, or maybe five
Convinced a zygote is already alive
Small town values are not as wild

I tuned in to watch the second presidential debate. Instead, I found myself watching "The March of the Penguin." The stalking, snarking, Viagra infused performance of John DisDain. That's his new name. Right? John DisDain. He wears his disdain on his marionette sleeve. He barks his disdain like a hung-over...

What is up with Sarah "Tinky Winky" Palin? Did some of the BS she was throwing around fly into her eye? I mean, what woman winks anymore other than at the Holiday Inn Express Karaoke Night?

Since she's...

While I was watching the debates last Friday I kept seeing movies flash before my eyes.
It hit me that I've been getting John McCain all wrong: He isn't Tom Cruise's Maverick in Top Gun.

No, John McCain can be compared to...

I was hoping to get through this whole Sarah Palin nonsense by just doing what I always do when Vice Presidential nominees appear on my TV. Muting the sound and practicing my own form of abstinence. That's how I tend to pick my vice president. Do they "inspire" me...

INTERIOR: THE EXXON-KODAK THEATER

ANGLE ON: THE PRESENTERS

"And the Academy Award for best performance by a leading man goes to Alejandro Khaleed-Gold for his portrayal of "Enemy Combatant #143" in "THE JUGGLER OF GITMO."

PAN AUDIENCE

Applause. Applause. Alejandro Khaleed-Goldfish kisses his wife Myra Goldfish. Accepts hugs. Pulls...

Drunk on Havana Club at the Hotel Arts in Barcelona. Heart still pounding. Breathing in life. Almost screwed the pooch off the coast of Costa Brava. Kayaking with the Fam. The Mediterranean's teeth bit down. Our 11-year-old bobbing dot too close to the rocks. Capsized with our 9-year-old son. A...

True story: Back in 1985 I did the bump with Ted Kennedy. I crashed a penthouse birthday party on Fifth Avenue with some of my preppy asshole friends. One of them knew the birthday girl, a skinny trust-fund with a pointy nose and middle-aged hair. We all donned tuxedos,...

Smiley McNasty is Mr. Potter living in Pottersville.
Smiley McNasty is Pappillon with a bad case of the Stockholm Syndrome.
Smiley McNasty is Boris Badenov hoping to become The Fearless Leader.
Smiley McNasty is Judge Smails at the yacht club.
Smiley McNasty is Brigadier General...

Dear Viagra, Debt Relief, Cialis, Medco, Vicodin, Giftree, Baccarrat, TrinityAlumni, eScapes, Flowers.com, Amazon, Apple, Amex, Ticketmaster, Equity Financing, The Rundown, ElEvate.com, Bueno Tech, Classmates.com and African Diamond mines:

This is an opportunity too good to pass up. I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce you to your new annoying...

I was cruising Amazon.com earlier today looking for a perfect anniversary gift for my agent, Marty, when I stumbled on the ADOLPH HITLER ACTION FIGURE DOLL being marketed by a company in the Ukraine.

An Adolph Hitler doll that comes in a handsome black Third Reich box and has...

Version 2008 C.E. (5767 for those of you keeping score at home)

WARNING: THIS IS NOT A KVETCH. What follows is a real life, non-practicing, reformed American Jew"ish" Haggadah. This is, as my Bubbi used to say as she was mimeographing anti-Franco literature at the ACLU, the real magilla. Do...