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Alena Dillon
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Humor author of I Thought We Agreed to Pee in the Ocean

Entries by Alena Dillon

The Donald Trump Rap

(0) Comments | Posted July 23, 2015 | 4:53 PM

After a series of ridiculous sound bites, Donald Trump gave me no choice but to compile his quotes into a rap (along with a few creative contributions for fusing.) It actually wasn't all that difficult to put together; his language naturally lends itself to the arrogant tone of hip-hop.

...
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Why Tina Fey Should Be the Next Face of the Twenty-Dollar Bill

(0) Comments | Posted June 23, 2015 | 12:52 PM

2015-06-23-1435067398-9209140-20_2.png

There are rumblings over Andrew Jackson's impending termination as the face of our twenty-dollar bill, and I don't blame America. I mean, as another Jackson so astutely questioned--what has he done for us lately (aside from having gloriously windblown hair and a forehead...

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Satirical Commercial for Drug Known as Flaccidone

(0) Comments | Posted May 18, 2015 | 11:38 PM

You've reached the age when you know a thing or two. You know how to be a silver fox. Just look at you. You're wearing a fleece, so it must be chilly out, yet somehow your skin is tanned. And your pearly white teeth match your hair. Was that intentional?...

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Are Doctors Just Sweet Talking Us?

(0) Comments | Posted April 29, 2015 | 2:29 PM

Some women have terrible taste in men. I know -- I used to be one of those women. Then I married a perfectly lovely man, and that must have thrown the universe off-balance. It's since righted itself; I now have equally terrible taste in doctors.

You can read about the...

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5 Things Women Want That May Surprise Me

(1) Comments | Posted May 13, 2014 | 5:29 PM

Women. You know the type. Walking into rooms, and then out of rooms. Saying things. Doing stuff. If one has short hair and you see her quickly in your peripheral vision, you might think she's a man. But she isn't. She's a woman. You know?

Who are these strange creatures...

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iGirlfriend

(0) Comments | Posted May 1, 2014 | 5:32 PM

Slim. Smart.
All you need.
Hold me beneath the dinner table.
Caress me on the train,
in a pew.
i whisper in your ear,
shimmy into your pocket,
and vibrate.
Push my buttons.
Drop.
Recharge.
i light up your...

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10 Foolproof First Date Escapes

(0) Comments | Posted April 8, 2014 | 4:33 PM

It can be awkward to end a date with a person you don't plan on seeing again. What are your parting words? How do you communicate finality? You don't want to give false hope and let them believe you might call for a second date, but you also don't want...

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Finding Myself On Buzzfeed

(1) Comments | Posted February 26, 2014 | 2:03 PM

We've learned so much in 2014. We learned that Russia has a city that sounds like the name of a blonde telepathic waitress and vampire lover. We learned that Patrick Stewart is gay, and then we learned he isn't. We learned that Ron and Hermione need marriage counseling, and we're...

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10 raffinierte Fitnessübungen fürs Büro

(0) Comments | Posted February 26, 2014 | 8:52 AM

Nach einem langen Arbeitstag sind Sie erschöpft - wie könnte es auch anders sein? Sie haben (bestenfalls) acht Stunden damit verbracht, in einen Bildschirm zu starren, zu analysieren, synthetisieren. Sie haben Kontakte zu Geschäftskunden oder Mitarbeitern gepflegt. Sie hatten keine Zeit für ein nahrhaftes Mittagessen und ihr knurrender Magen scheint...

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10 Easy At-Work Workouts

(1) Comments | Posted February 21, 2014 | 6:23 AM

After a long day at the office, you're exhausted -- and why shouldn't you be? You spent eight hours analyzing, synthesizing, staring at a computer and/or networking with clients, customers or coworkers. You didn't have time for a substantial lunch, and your stomach growls that dinner can't wait until after...

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The 10 Best Valentine's Day Ideas to Lower Expectations for Next Year

(0) Comments | Posted February 6, 2014 | 9:24 AM

Have you found the one? Or at least the one for now? Then you must recognize your worst enemy this Valentine's Day: hope.

Hope is that glimmer in your girl's eye when she sees a deliveryman appear in her office doorway with two dozen long stemmed roses and for...

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On Losing My Starbucks Gold Card

(0) Comments | Posted January 6, 2014 | 4:19 PM

The news was delivered over email. Not face to face, or even by phone. Over email. They may as well have texted.

Starbucks demoted my Gold Card to a Green Badge.

I'd been a Gold Card Member for nearly five years. It saw me through my Master's thesis, the writing...

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Shia LaBeouf's Future Film Credits

(0) Comments | Posted December 18, 2013 | 8:44 AM

"LaBeouf apologized for failing to credit artist Dan Clowes' work in his new short film HowardCantour.com."-- USA Today

  1. The Quiet of the Sheep
  2. It's A Rad Birth-Until-Death
  3. An Immediate Apocalypse
  4. The Green 5,280 Feet
  5. It Was Right Here A Second Ago But The Wind Just Took It
  6. United...
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Hey Everybody -- The Grinch Was White!

(0) Comments | Posted December 18, 2013 | 8:27 AM

"Santa just is white... Santa is what he is." -- Megyn Kelly of Fox News

It is a verifiable fact that our beloved Grinch, the curmudgeon on the hill we all love to hate and, ultimately love to love, was originally white. As white as Cindy Lou and the rest...

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Football Season Survival Guide for the Non-Sports Guy

(3) Comments | Posted December 4, 2013 | 10:58 AM

You know the scene: You're sitting in the barbershop, a lone mute in the midst of a football debate fit for "SportsCenter". The men spit their opinions and then turn to you, wide-eyed, encouraging you to offer your take, to reveal your loyalties. You can see the speculation in their...

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Man's 'Pants' Determined to Be New Type of Skin

(1) Comments | Posted November 14, 2013 | 4:07 PM

WILLIAMSBURG, NY- After extensive observations, a team of pants experts concluded that the legs of a young professional in Brooklyn were not covered by skinny jeans, but by a new form of purple skin.

The subject was monitored in his own environment: scribbling in his moleskin journal...

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The Warning Label That Should Be On Lululemon Yoga Pants

(47) Comments | Posted November 10, 2013 | 1:43 PM

"...Women will wear seatbelts that don't work [with the pants], or they'll wear a purse that doesn't work, or quite frankly some women's bodies just actually don't work for it." --Chip Wilson, founder of Lululemon, on why the brand's yoga pants are too sheer or pill.

WARNING:

Hand wash in...

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Costco: Or Why I Might Be on a Terrorist Watch List

(2) Comments | Posted October 10, 2013 | 2:40 PM

Costco exhausts me. You know how the elderly have to distribute their obligations across an entire week (laundry on Tuesday, drugstore on Thursday, etc.) because everything is so damn tiring? That's how I am with Costco. I walk into that warehouse and I'm done for the day.

Management realizes the...

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Weight-Loss Methods I Wish Worked

(0) Comments | Posted September 26, 2013 | 11:17 AM

Lying down is one of my favorite pastimes.

Because of this preference for passiveness, it's very difficult for me to work out. Why move around, sweat and increase my heart rate when I can curl up on my bed and... not?

Sadly, every three months or so, my pants tighten....

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Fake Commercial for Groupon's New Erotic Products

(0) Comments | Posted September 24, 2013 | 4:11 PM

What's all the buzz over at Groupon? It's Body Pleasures Pocket Vibrator -- Groupon's recent Labor Day Deal. What better way to honor America's working men than by giving them the night off? No need to lift a finger, fellas; Groupon has your gal covered.

Groupon is your one stop...

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