Satirical Commercial for Drug Known as Flaccidone

05/18/2015 11:38 pm ET | Updated May 18, 2016

You've reached the age when you know a thing or two. You know how to be a silver fox. Just look at you. You're wearing a fleece, so it must be chilly out, yet somehow your skin is tanned. And your pearly white teeth match your hair. Was that intentional? It doesn't matter -- it works. You know how to stare off at the horizon, and look damn good doing it. You know how to stand in front of the Washington Monument, and now the Eiffel Tower, and now the Space Needle, and now the Old Faithful Geyser. You, obviously, know how to travel fast. You know how to wield a variety of power tools: drill, grinder, and that buzzing chainsaw. You know how to hold that baseball bat at an upward angle by your waist. What you don't know, is how to get an erection.

Is it because your wife doesn't look like she used to? Or is she just not trying anymore? Is your own biology to blame? Hard to say. What isn't hard, is you.

Flaccidone is here to help. It'll help you rise above Mount O-limp-us. It'll help your Willy Wonk her. It'll give your floppy some drive.

Five out of six doctors deny ever needing to take Flaccidone, but that's because two of the doctors are women and the rest are filthy liars.

Do not take Flaccidone if you take any other medication or if you expect you might have surgery in the next decade. Do not take Flaccidone if you've ever had a headache. Do not take Flaccidone if you are over the age of 85, because that's just gross. Do not take it if you didn't get at least seven hours of restful sleep the night before.

If your erection persists for more than four hours, my god, roll over and seek medical attention. But three and a half hours is normal. If one of your fantasies includes lasting through the entirety of James Cameron's Titanic, this is good news for you (bad news for her). But if you have errands to run, you might find yourself between a rock and your hard place.

Common side effects include nausea, loss of vision, fatigue, heart attack, flatulence, breast growth, divorce, Benjamin Button syndrome, pant-ripping, creepiness, and death -- but you're old and probably about to die anyway. Could there be a better way to go?