President Palin Resigns, July 3rd, 2014

03/18/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Transcript of President Palin's resignation, given on the steps of the Columbia Elks Lodge #85

Hi America, I appreciate speaking directly to you, the people I serve, as your President. It is with much sadness, but NO regret, that I am formally announcing my resignation as POTUS. That's right, Katie Couric, I know what an acronym is. So get some (Palin winks and smiles to camera).

Of course there are those that will point fingers. They'll say it's because I couldn't handle the difficult economy I INHERITED from my esteemed and allegedly African American predecessor. They'll whisper it's because I have no real grasp of foreign affairs. They'll insulate it's because the American-Canadian war is finally taking its toll on me. It is with this last point in particular that I take extreme offense. The Canadian government's decision to allow Americans access to their discounted health care system was an open act of aggression. My decision to send the Blackwater Republican Guard into Ottawa was and is the right decision. Might is right, fight through the dark night, HE will lead us to the light (The crowd applauds wildly, Presidential speech writers Hannity and Colmes fist bump).

Were some of my decisions controversial? Absolutely. Did they work? H yes they did! The unprecedented creation of a Tri-Secretary of War, State, and Treasury is one of my proudest achievements and I know we can all agree that Secretary Dick Cheney has excelled in all three posts. Tapping into and exhausting the world's entire supply of oil and gas in under six months did more than make clean energy a priority. It made it a necessity. Even those who initially resisted my decision to add a perpendicular column to the Washington Monument now agree that it looks a kazillion times better. And happens to be one heck of a place to pray if I do say so myself. (Vice President Michele Bachmann crosses herself and grins).

So farewell America. It is my promise to you that I will always be standing by, ready to assist. We have a good, positive agenda for America. In the words of General MacArthur, "We are not retreating. We are advancing in another direction." (Palin looks at her teleprompter and laughs at herself.) Oh geez, that was from my last resignation speech wasn't it?

Cue "Hail To The Chief" and out...