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An Ode Of Hatred To My Diva Cup

05/13/2015 03:35 pm ET | Updated May 13, 2016

I'd heard so many good things about you on the Internet. Women's forums on Reddit couldn't shut up about you. Amazon gave your product almost five stars. Your convenience, your cost-effectiveness. Your benefit to the environment. So many people sung your praises. So one day at Whole Foods, I spied you on the shelf and decided to take the plunge. I opted for the one that claimed to be appropriate for my age group, paid the cashier and took you home.

Rant #1: You cost $40!

Rant #2: Getting you into my vagina was like playing a game of bloody thumb wars with my junk. Every time. Bend, fold, twist? Get my hand up there and see if it's in place? Both hands? It went okay if it was first thing in the morning and I was in the shower. But it was definitely not okay if I had to empty the cup, say, at work. I couldn't exactly be in the public bathroom, squatting on the ground while shoving plastic into my bloody nether regions. And it's not like I could just walk to the sink to wash you off, either. Bathroom trips made me feel like I was in an Ann Rice novel.

The insipid advice I got in various forums never helped, either. Advice most received: "You'll get better at it!" or, "Gee, I never have a problem!" Well, fuck you too. Then the real "helpful" advice: "Did you try twisting? Lifting? Balancing on one leg while turning clockwise? U fold? W fold? R fold? Did you try making a balloon animal?" Keep in mind this is a cup of blood.

Rant #3: You were NEVER comfortable, not once, Diva Cup. This may be because you come in two sizes: Model 1, which is for fresh, nubile 20-somethings. And Model 2...because Diva Cup assumes that once you turn 30, your cup needs to be the size of a toilet plunger "to prevent leaks." You felt too big. You pinched off my urethra so that my piss came out at either 100 PSI or not at all. It was hard to poop. I swear you made my junk muscles weaker over time. Despite this, the cup leaked constantly.

Again, with the helpful advice: "Try a different cup! Try the other size, or the Lunette, or the Moonbeam, or the Unicorn Fart!" Um, see Rant #1, they're fucking $40 apiece! What idiot is spending $200 finding the perfect vagina cup? This was supposed to save money. Am I being trolled?

Rant #4: "You can go all day without having to change anything! You can cut down on sanitary supplies, all you need is your cup!" Bleeders, you know who you are. This is a lie. Nothing but a terrible, malicious lie. If you bleed like a motherfucker, you WILL need to empty this thing. A lot. And then, not only will you probably need not only liners, but backup pads, not to mention wipes and everything else to keep from looking like Carrie on prom night.

Rant #5: Don't drop it on the ground. It bounces. I was at work when this happened once. Instant Tarantino movie. It took 45 minutes to clean everything up. When I related this experience online, someone disdainfully asked why I hadn't been hovering over the toilet like I was an idiot.

Rant #6: It stunk, despite constant washing. To counteract this funk, I was supposed to soak it in hydrogen peroxide or boil it. That's exactly what my husband or any house guests would ever want to see - my period cup in our kitchenware. Hydrogen peroxide was less offensive but minimally effective.

Rant #7: On Friday, I was at work, trying to empty out my cup for the 2nd time that day and dealing with the blood, the mess, and everything else. It slipped out of my grasp into the bowl, and before I could decide to reach into the toilet in my shark water and fish it out, the auto-flush triggered and it was gone. (That's why I hadn't hovered over the bowl, Assface From Rant #5!)

When I went to the store yesterday, I considered a replacement but in the meantime, bought my usual box of tampons. I swear it was like coming home. No bloody hands. No discomfort. No wrestling with insertion.

A day later, all I can say is, fuck the Diva Cup. Fuck it. Friday was the Flush of Freedom. I'm glad it works for a lot of people, but for me, just no. Never again. It's not worth the hassle and the mess, which in hindsight was absolutely ridiculous! And for what, to "save" $5 (which I'd obviously pre-spent anyway)? My backup pads and wet wipes weren't exactly saving the landfills, either. Women, join with me. If the Diva Cup didn't work for you, you are absolutely not alone. Maybe I'm in the minority, but FUCK THE DIVA CUP!

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