How To Tame Your "Inner Brat"

I remember a bumper sticker years ago that read, "My Inner Child Made Me Do It!" Apparently, rather than growing up, our "inner child" has now evolved into an "inner brat!" At least this is the basic thesis of an article in The Washington Post that I read awhile back. The article began with a pronouncement that "We are all entitled brats!" In light of the current financial/economic crisis, as well as the fact that we are now officially into the holiday shopping season (as marked by "Black Friday" last week), I think that you will find the idea of an "inner brat" timely, provocative, and, hopefully, meaningful.

Besides referring to proof of this new phenomenon on various television shows, including the so-called "reality show" variety, the newspaper article looked carefully at what is occurring in "real" life. Consider this: as consumers in a highly-technical society, we have come to expect efficiency and convenience, as well as instant gratification and quick turnarounds. In other words, "we want what we want and we want it now!" Moreover, we want what we want without aggravation, without hassles, without pain, and we want it "our way." And when our expectations are not met, such as when we become annoyed by inconveniences and inefficiencies (have you flown lately?), our moods are adversely affected as are our behaviors. In other words, we have found the stress enemy and, in large part, it is us!

Many "experts" argue that this change in expectations is primarily a generational thing, with members of the younger generations expecting much more choice and opportunities than their "elders," including baby-boomers. Most dramatic (and perhaps alarming), according to a study published in the Journal of Personality this year, is the rise of narcissism and entitlement among the younger age groups. Our "it's all about me" culture, suggests this study, increasingly emphasizes that we feel good about ourselves and favors the self -- selfishly -- over others. And the research data underscore that entitlement is a key part of narcissism, suggesting that humans tend to project on others and on "external forces" when things don't go the way that they would like. This, in turn, often antagonizes a situation because feeling entitled to something that you don't get leads to frustration, "bratty" behaviors, including aggression (for example, think about all of the rude behaviors we witness when driving, in customer service lines, and at airports), and, yes, increased stress.

It's a vicious cycle! The more that we feel entitled to something, the more dissatisfied we become when we don't get it (Note: this is a form of "paradoxical intention," which I introduced in a previous post, "Living with Meaning: Don't Work Against Yourself"). And in a society where advertising constantly reminds us that whatever we have is never enough, this vicious cycle is very hard to break, especially for those who, again, narcissistically feel that they are entitled to whatever their hearts desire. At least it seems that way, doesn't it?

According to psychologist Pauline Wallin, we need to "tame our inner brat" by realigning our expectations and squelching the nagging voice in our minds that fuels our dissatisfaction; in other words, that holds us "prisoners of our thoughts." And as I've already mentioned, the frustration that accompanies dissatisfaction leads, more often than not, to "bratty" behaviors and increased stress. (Stress, in turn, also fuels bratty behavior. Alas, there's that vicious cycle again!)

There are many things, of course, that we can do to "manage" and even relieve stress. In this connection, the HuffPo Living Section and its community of stakeholders offer a wide variety of remedies, practical techniques, and other supports to deal with both the symptoms and underlying causes of stress. With this support system in mind, I also recommend that we all take steps to tame our inner brat and shift our focus of attention away from ourselves, especially when we feel "entitled" to something (I refer to this principle as "dereflection" in my book, Prisoners of Our Thoughts, a concept and technique that I will discuss further in a future post). Let me quote Dr. Wallin, "If you're self-focused, you're not going to be happy even if you get your way. You're just going to be looking for the next thing to be upset about." As a result, you'll become even more stressed! Now how "bratty" is that?!

You can find out more about Dr. Alex Pattakos, author of the international bestselling book, Prisoners of Our Thoughts, in his HuffPost Bio and at http://www.prisonersofourthoughts.com. Contact Alex at: [e-mail].

Follow Alex Pattakos on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DrMeaning

Comments

[DrWallin]

As author of "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide for Transforming Self-defeating Behavior" I appreciate your mentioning my book. We make ourselves miserable when we (i.e., our inner brats) grumble about things over which we have no control - traffic jams, long lines, air travel, etc.

That doesn't help anything. It just puts us in a bad mood and saps our energy. If it's not going to matter in a week - or even in an hour - then you're better off just accepting it.

As for bad customer service, I've got news for you. The customer service people have to deal with a lot more brats than the rest of us do. ;-) . . . So a kind word to them goes a long way toward getting the help you need.

[Alex Pattakos - Huffpost Blogger]

Hello Dr. Wallin,

What a treat! Thank you so much for your insightful and meaningful comments. You've added a dimension to this conversation that is greatly appreciated. And for anyone out there who still questions the validity or reliability of the "inner brat" phenomenon, let me direct you to Dr. Wallin's book, "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide for Transforming Self-Defeating Behavior" on Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/Taming-Your-Inner-Brat-Self-Defeating/dp/1885171854/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1228621932&sr=1-1

[Tamoomoo]

Veruca Salt is just surviving the best way she knows how. You have to admit her brattiness is effective. In a lesser society, she'd be queen. Today though, she would most likely benefit from some cognitive behavioral therapy, and also some volunteer work after she's had her moment of self-realization.

[Alex Pattakos - Huffpost Blogger]

Although I probably need to consult with "Willy" on this one, I agree that Veruca's brattiness was learned behavior (which means that it can be "unlearned"). Insofar as her being "Queen" is concerned, I hear the words, "Let them eat cake" rather than chocolate, in my ears for some reason! Thanks for the comment.

[QueenOfViolets]

I have a problem understanding just how seriously you take this submerging your personal self business.

For example, suppose we're talking about a tribal society. Suppose I'm a woman in a tribal society and I don't want to marry the man my tribal chief has picked out for me to marry, even though my family's position in the tribe would be improved by my meek obedience.

Am I self-obsessed? Would my frustration and fear in that situation merely be a product of my false sense of entitlement?

Where do you draw the line when it comes to thinking about the needs of other people?

I tried to find that line in your post but I didn't see it there. I didn't see that you acknowledged the positive values of a focus on self, one of which is the development of societies based on individual rights, where women don't have to accept violence and inequality in the name of thinking about the welfare of others.

[Alex Pattakos - Huffpost Blogger]

To be sure, there are many dimensions to your comment and I'm afraid that I will not have the space here to reply fully and respectfully. Let me begin by underscoring that I am not an advocate of what you are calling "this submerging your personal self business." On the contrary, the philosophy behind my meaning-centered work, which is grounded in the System of Logotherapy developed by my mentor, Viktor Frankl, is focused on "elevating" the notion of self, unleashing human potential, and advancing personal responsibility (i.e., the "ability to respond" appropriately and meaningfully to different life situations). Moreover, I am not a believer in "arranged" marriages, be they for women or men, and certainly believe in human "rights." This said, drawing the "line," to use your words, can be very difficult; but it needs to be done--some times even at the risk of our own lives. This line is an important criterion and determinant of our "identity" and helps to distinguish between "self" esteem and "other" esteem. You'll be interested to know that my book, Prisoners of Our Thoughts (which I highly recommend that you read) is currently being translated into Persian (Farsi) and I am collaborating with some colleagues in Tehran to advance these meaning-centered principles in Iranian society.

[brooklyncitizen]

Well I try to have my sense of humor beat out my inner brat...doesn't always work...my pet peeve is any "customer service" line. Boy that'll get my brat going. Other stuff not so much.

[Alex Pattakos - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks for mentioning the value of one's sense of humor as a way to "beat out" our inner brat. I suspect that we all have similar feelings about customer service lines. I often find myself practicing my "10 Positive Things" Exercise when I'm in frustratingly slow lines! For a description of this exercise see my previous post, "Living with Meaning: Exercise the Freedom to Choose Your Attitude" (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/alex-pattakos/living-with-meaning-exerc_b_120950.html), and my video clip on YouTube, "The Meaning of Positive Thinking" (http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ptU9i4tAKE8).

[shirleyfeeney]

My inner brat, as I've called it myself for years, tends to come out when it's time to do the grown-up duties around the house...my inner brat prefers to not put laundry away, cook dinner, and most especially clean out the litter box. But then I realize that the outer adult needs to take over, and I usually feel better when I actually accomplish my tasks rather than let the brat win.

Besides, I have a six year old that gives my inner brat a run for her money ;)

[Alex Pattakos - Huffpost Blogger]

I suspect that your six year old not only gives your "inner brat" a run for her money but also is a source of meaning, learning, and personal development for her! Thanks for sharing!

P.S. Note the following passage in my book, Prisoners of Our Thoughts: "It is more important to be aware than it is to be smart." Awareness of when our "inner brat" pops her/his head is an important step in the search for meaning in life and work.

[BonnieBeeMee]

Got me to thinking. When I find my 'inner brat' surfacing, whether for cause or not, I try (not always successfully) to remember an old saying that relates to picking your battles, and ask myself, 'Would I rather be right, or be happy?"

When the odds are that an argument will result in a stalemate, especially when my emotions are strong, my experience is that I don't feel 'victorious', I feel revenge, and that's not a fun feeling for me. Your point about 'perspective' is a useful one - I suspect it takes some practice, wish me luck. :)

[Alex Pattakos - Huffpost Blogger]

Great advice! Indeed, our capacity to "self detach" (look at ourselves from a distance) does take some practice. See my post on this subject: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/alex-pattakos/living-with-meaning-look_b_144112.html

[BonnieBeeMee]

Thanks for the link. I read the article and it makes sense. I work in healthcare and bite my tongue all day long and my patience is exhausted at the end of a 10 hour shift. Sometimes a thought just comes out in reaction to something I would ordinarily shrug off, but there it is, hanging in the air, and I know I haven't made anything better, just lashed out. It is so hard to stay in that 'non-reactive' place - any suggestions?

[brooklyncitizen]

Thanks for the link- this post is really valuable.
It's a good thing to practice and it allows for fresh points of view to enter....when getting stuck on having "my way"it generally doesn't feel good which cues me into detaching and often surrendering but sometimes stubborness wins out. Sigh.

[mandycat]

I'm not quite sure why expecting efficiency and competence from others is brattish. I'm constantly appalled at the inefficiency and incompetence of the businesses I deal with and every year it gets worse. My first job was for an insurance agency. It entailed typing on an IBM Selectric and churning out newsletters on what was known as a "ditto machine." (If I tell you that I frequently went home with my clothes smeared with duplicating ink, that will give you an idea.) We processed insurance applications and claims within two weeks or had to explain to management what went wrong.

I just completed a very simple and low-dollar insurance transaction with Aetna that began in early July and was only completed on November 18th, after many fruitless phone calls. And then I had to call them one more time on December 2nd to find out that the request was approved. We did better in 1965 with a tool set that was slightly more sophisticated than quill pens and parchment scrolls.

[Alex Pattakos - Huffpost Blogger]

First, let me thank you for your comment. Now, I suggest that you re-read my post and pay particular attention to what I said about "expectations" in their entirety and context. To be sure, having expectations about efficiency and competency does not necessarily translate into "bratty" behaviors or stress. Moreover, such expectations can vary widely from person to person, situation to situation. Relatively-speaking (no pun intended), for instance, what one parent may view as "appropriate" child behavior may be cause for calling "Nanny 911" by another! In any case, we need to look carefully at both stimulus and response, as well as at the implications of the behaviors observed. To the extent that our expectations result in or contribute to dysfunctionality (another relative term) to ourselves and/or in relation to others, I'm suggesting that there are alternative paths to follow that will better serve our (and others) highest good.

Simply put, consciousness can be viewed as a relationship between the "observed" and the "observer." We can "shift" our consciousness by changing the observed (usually a difficult, if not impossible, task) and/or by changing the observer--­ourselves! So while you may not be able to "change" how Aetna conducts its business, you are free to change your attitude about your job, seek to change your position within the company, or quit and find other employment! Whatever you may choose to do or not do, the capacity to shift your "consciousness" is within reach AND within you!

[Gnrshrtd]

I don't think expecting efficiency and competence from others is brattish, especially if you're paying hard earned money for something. I say that from a point of view of having worked in Quality Assurance for almost a decade in the past. In QA there is a saying, from Demming or someone like him: 'Satisfaction is based on expectations'.

Some years later I was chatting with a psychotherapist client of mine and I used the quote. Her reply was a friendly, 'And too often expectations diminish joy'.

At first I thought it was just a platitude. I've found it often to be true.

[Alex Pattakos - Huffpost Blogger]

Great comments! Again, I agree that expecting efficiency and competence from others necessarily translates into being "brattish." This said, there is a very fine line that, once crossed, may move us into what is being called "brattish" behaviors (e.g., that smell of much higher levels of narcissism and entitlement) which, as your psychotherapist client said, my "diminish joy" as well as manifest in other ways that you may not have intended.